My heart is dead.

[kristie]

On Saturday I had to say goodbye to my little girl. I bought her at 9 weeks old for my 19th birthday, she was only a few months off 17. I had her for nearly half my life. I lost my other girl at 13 on Christmas eve 2020. That was another decision I had to make. But I had my Jordan to comfort me. I knew that I wouldn’t have her much longer, she had arthritis, was 95% deaf and 80% blind, but she was still in there. Although she had dementia, when she smelled me, she knew it was me and I loved her more than life. I got home on Saturday afternoon and she wasn’t in the lounge room, I thought she must be asleep in my bed. I had a ramp so she could still get up herself, and she slept with me every night. When I went to my bedroom there was blood all over my bed and she had somehow got the Donna cover wrapped around her neck. I thought she was dead. She was lying there limply and thats not how she sleeps, she’s usually curled up. I got the blanket off her neck and she was still alive, there wasn’t any blood on her. She was standing up and walking but she didn’t know I was there. I went outside and put her down and she just walked in circles and when she walked into the shed, she kept going and didn’t even flinch. Even in my arms she just kept trying to move but she wasn’t aware that I was holding her. I managed to get a hold of her vet and because it was a Saturday, no one was on call. I managed to get the other vet in town and I met him at the clinic. I had to make the decision to do it. Her body was still there but her mind was no longer there.
I feel like my heart has been ripped out. She was all I had. I can’t stop picturing her surrounded by blood and the vacant look on her face. But what if I made a mistake, what if she was just tired, what if I killed her for reason?
My bed is so empty, there’s too much room in the armchair, I’m lonely on the toilet because she’s not coming to check where I am.
My hands are empty, I have nothing to pat. I have no dog anymore. I am alone. Its too quiet.

Topic

[VM-Cleo]

Dear @kristie,

The love with simultaneous heartbreak in your story about Jordan is truly in immense. Even though she had dementia, this wonderful dog still recognized her human until her last days. I can feel the deep impact that this gorgeous old dog had on your life. A traumatic way to leave you life The feeling of something being ripped from your heart and the proceeding guilt are a very human response to such tradgedy. It’s a testament to your relationship with Jordan that you shared your story here – we are all priviledged to witness it.

Griefline has a great resource for when we lose our dearest animal companions – I wonder if that has crossed your path? Something it mentions is taking care of yourself. I wonder how your appetite and sleeping are going since you wrote this post?

Losing a Pet

You’re also welcome to call us on 1300 845 745 between 6am and midnight AEST and talk through anything you might be feeling with our volunteers.

Part of walking through grief and loss can be sharing the story of your loss with others – and you have dont just that, my heart goes out to you in this incredibly difficult time.

Keep writing – we are listening xx

[VM-Mancha1]

Hello @kristie,

that is such a heartbreaking story, your words are powerful. I particularly felt the pain in the words ‘my hands are empty, I have nothing to pat’. That brought tears to my eyes, so much said in so few words.

It’s been a while since you wrote this, how have you been coping since? Please come back and let us know. We all hold our love for different friends and fur-family, but we all share that pain of loss when they leave us – share some time with us here, if you can.

I hope you come back soon.

[Author]

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