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On Saturday I had to say goodbye to my little girl. I bought her at 9 weeks old for my 19th birthday, she was only a few months off 17. I had her for nearly half my life. I lost my other girl at 13 on Christmas eve 2020. That was another decision I had to make. But I had my Jordan to comfort me. I knew that I wouldn’t have her much longer, she had arthritis, was 95% deaf and 80% blind, but she was still in there. Although she had dementia, when she smelled me, she knew it was me and I loved her more than life. I got home on Saturday afternoon and she wasn’t in the lounge room, I thought she must be asleep in my bed. I had a ramp so she could still get up herself, and she slept with me every night. When I went to my bedroom there was blood all over my bed and she had somehow got the Donna cover wrapped around her neck. I thought she was dead. She was lying there limply and thats not how she sleeps, she’s usually curled up. I got the blanket off her neck and she was still alive, there wasn’t any blood on her. She was standing up and walking but she didn’t know I was there. I went outside and put her down and she just walked in circles and when she walked into the shed, she kept going and didn’t even flinch. Even in my arms she just kept trying to move but she wasn’t aware that I was holding her. I managed to get a hold of her vet and because it was a Saturday, no one was on call. I managed to get the other vet in town and I met him at the clinic. I had to make the decision to do it. Her body was still there but her mind was no longer there.
I feel like my heart has been ripped out. She was all I had. I can’t stop picturing her surrounded by blood and the vacant look on her face. But what if I made a mistake, what if she was just tired, what if I killed her for reason?
My bed is so empty, there’s too much room in the armchair, I’m lonely on the toilet because she’s not coming to check where I am.
My hands are empty, I have nothing to pat. I have no dog anymore. I am alone. Its too quiet.
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