My father’s passing

[leila_v]

Hi, this is my first time posting here.
I lost my father when I turned 21. Our relationship was not a picture-perfect kind, but he tried his best to be there for me. Until this day I still feel guilty because of the hurtful things I said to him, and because we could never really resolve our misunderstandings. My only wish is to let my father know how much I loved him.
I coped with my father’s passing by getting back to work straight away. My colleagues and friends offered their condolences, but I was laser-focused on moving on. The reason being was I’d see myself as flawed or broken. I guarded up my feelings, but behind the scenes, it was difficult to carry out my daily tasks. I don’t think I have had a decent night sleep ever since the event.
Besides that, a number of other events added up to my anxiety in life – the house where I spent most of my life living in was sold while I was away (didn’t get to see it for one last time); I lost my job at the start of the pandemic; and my ex and I broke up due to the impact of the extended lockdowns.
I find it hard to share my past experiences with even my closest friends. I’d often suppress my emotions in order to feel “normal”. I’m finally doing myself a favour now that I am sharing this here.
Thank you so much for listening.

Topic

[VM – OnAJourney]

Dear Leila
Thank you for sharing this. It’s hard to lose a parent at a young age. That must have been traumatic regardless what else was going on. And on top of that you are dealing with the experience of regrets and guilt. Adding to all of that you are having to deal with a number of other losses. Very understandable that you feel anxious – and that all you want to do is supress your emotions. I can imagine you might feel like the emotions would just totally overwhelm you if you allow them to surface.
Yet, you made this very brave step to post on this forum. I’m not sure what it’s like for you, but what you write just reminds me of my last couple of weeks. I was not feeling well but pushed my feelings away because I did not want to deal with them. I was worried that they would totally take over if I acknowledged them. So I tried to ignore them and it just made it worse. Last week I finally managed to talk to a friend about them which was really hard at first because I felt so unworthy and flawed. But once I put it all out there and had a good cry I felt so much better. And my feelings seem to have lost some of their power over me.
I hope that you can experience something similar. And it might not be with a friend. Could be Griefline or some professional counsellor. Or this forum. I wonder how you felt after you posted here – did you feel some relief getting it all out?
Take care – and know that you are deserving of compassion and love, yours and that of others.

[leila_v]

Hi @VM_OnAJourney,
I appreciate your time reading my post and replying to it.
While writing my story, I let my emotions resurface and had a good cry. I’ve cried so many times before, but this time I felt most relieving because I got to speak about my grief publicly. Yes, I am seeking professional help. In the meantime, I’m taking it day by day, and reminding myself that these events are what make me resilient. I absolutely agree that as we allow the emotions to be known, they can no longer hold control of us.
Thanks again for your kind words. I hope you’ll also be able to make peace with your griefs or whatever challenges they might be in life. Take care!

• This reply was modified 2 years, 1 month ago by leila_v.

[VM-Mancha1]

Hi Leila,

Thank you so much for sharing, your story has hit quite close to home for me. My father passed away when I was 25, after I had travelled overseas and hadn’t seen him for 7 years. We never got on, I always felt he didn’t like me, and only learned after his passing that wasn’t true. So, to some degree at least, I can share and understand your feelings of guilt. It can be a hard burden we place on ourselves, especially as we’re punishing the current ‘us’ for the younger ‘us’ not understanding how to navigate really complicated relationships. I think it is so normal to feel this, even for those who have a good relationship with their parents.

I can feel the pain in your post, and I’m really glad that you are finding your way to help and to some relief through expressing your feelings. I too took the ‘bury it and get back to work’ approach. As @VM – OnAJourney says, pushing away your feelings can sometimes just make them harder to deal with at a later stage, and I’m so glad to hear that you’re working through some of them now.

It can be so empowering to come to somewhere like GriefLine and to share your story, how have you found things since you last post? I’d really like to know how you’re coping, so please come back and tell us. You’ll find a really supportive community here.

There are some really helpful resources on this site, one of them that might help you is about finding your strengths, and using these to help you to cope. You can find that here: https://griefline.org.au/resources/grief-recovery-part-1-in-search-of-lost-strengths/

It’s also really important that you stay strong from day to day, and there are some amazing tools that help with that. In my case when my loss hit me full blast, I did everything wrong (lots of junk food, late nights and TV, poor sleep and no exercise). Which made coping like trying to win a race with one leg tied behind my back. This article (https://griefline.org.au/resources/east-toolkit/) talks about how you can give yourself more strength and support through the basics – eating, activity, sleeping, and allowing time.

I hope these help, and please do come back and tell us how you’re going. We’re listening.

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