My best friend lost her Mum

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  • #20274
    Chardz2000
    Participant

    Hello everyone. I hope you are finding the light and guidance that you need. My best friend (21 years old) just lost her to cancer mum 5 days ago. Her last text to me was “ Thank you, no haven’t really been sleeping everything just hurts too much 😓 just want this to not be real”. Does anyone have any ideas of what I can say? I’m struggling. Thank you and take care.

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  • #20276
    VM-ocean
    Participant

    Hi Chardz,

    Thank you so much for posting. That sounds really hard – seeing your best friend struggling like that, and not being sure what to say or how to help. It is beautiful that you are looking for ways to help her. Having a good friend who is willing to listen is really helpful to people who are grieving.

    I agree with @vm-harry – the ‘supporting a grieving friend having courageous conversations’ has some good specific ideas about having conversations. It also has some conversation starters (and some things to avoid saying), which I find helpful. I will often say something like “My heart goes out to you” or “I’m so sorry to hear of your loss”.

    Also, it is OK (and normal) to be unsure what to say. If I don’t know what to say, I will actually say “I don’t know what to say.” Often the hardest thing is the first step – making the phone call or turning up. I find it gets easier after that first step.

    Having trouble sleeping is common in grief. The Griefline website has ways to help with sleep, which I’ve attached below. If your friend continues to have trouble sleeping, it may be helpful to show her (although the most important thing at the moment would be listening).

    Tips to Improve Your Sleep

    Dealing with Insomnia

    I hope these ideas help. All the best with helping your friend. Remember we’re here for you – feel free to post again.

    #20284
    Moon
    Participant

    Hi there, sorry your friend is going through this. I understand how painful it is for close friends to witness, not know, how they might need you, or how to accept their private ‘enfer’. My advice ( from personal experience as recently bereaved ) would be just a message, maybe not daily, but just a small hey, I’m here, can know how to listen
    Just invite her around, do nothing together, be patient. The silence does not mean she doesn’t need or want you in her life ok xxx

    #20278
    VM-Harry
    Participant

    Hi Chardz2000,

    First of all I just want to thank you for posting and I’m so glad to hear that you are reaching out for guidance to help your best friend who is obviously going through a very difficult period of grief – You seem like a beautiful person and your friend is lucky to have you.

    It can be challenging to know what to say to someone who is grieving out of fear of saying the wrong thing, but just by being there for support and willing to help, being open, compassionate, and being present will offer that support. Grief can last from anywhere from a few weeks to a number of years so it is important to let your friend know that you are there for them, as it is important for people who are grieving to know that they have a support network around them that they can rely on and know will listen to them during these incredibly hard moments of grief.

    From the extract of the text you have shared with us it seems that your friend is really struggling. This can be difficult for us as supporters to watch a friend go through and navigate such a difficult moment in their lives, and so finding the right words to say to support them can be tricky. Sometimes the best thing we can do is to simply listen and validate their emotions and grief. This way we are letting them lead the conversation whilst we hold back on giving advice.

    I wonder if you have come across one of our pages we offer from our Griefline website? This is a great reference point that will help and give some advice on how to support your grieving friend. It talks about finding your support style that is best for you in supporting your friend as well as some conversation guidelines, as conversations about loss can often be difficult to navigate. It also gives you some great conversation starters as well and some assistance in finding the right words to say. I have attached the link to this page for you to access here:

    Supporting a Grieving Friend: Having Courageous Conversations

    I do hope that this can be of some use to you!

    Lastly, I just want to make sure that you are okay as well, and to make sure that you are taking the time you need to take care of yourself as well.

    I hope this post helps and all the best in supporting your friend as she travels through this difficult moment in her life.

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