Dear katzpurr,
I am sorry to hear your story and can understand getting to this age and not being touched by the death of a family member or someone incredibly close before. It is lucky in a way, but leaves you feeling underprepared for grief.
Mortality is full of tricky questions that are hard to answer. Because it is a personal preference and nearly everyone will have a different perception on it. Your grief may have already started with your mother’s diagnoses and all your thoughts you have conveyed are valid.
A great thing you have pointed out is how well known you and your mother are in your community. That will continue as a legacy and if you choose to continue doing volunteer work or go out and about in the community, when you feel you can, it is making an enduring connection with your mother. It is a way to continue celebrating her life. It is lovely that so many people will remember her with you.
When you are in the situation you are in, there is no control and emotions like anxiety can arise. It is important for yourself that you get to release these emotions. I know you don’t feel you can discuss how you are feeling with your mother, but there are two things to consider. You may be left with regrets if you don’t discuss what you need to, even the hard things. Regrets are worse than breaking down in front of your mother. And secondly, it may be helpful to your mother to be able to discuss these things with you too. To release her anxiety and to know that you are going to be heartbroken, but okay when she does have to leave you. She may need reassurance too. You might like to ask her if there is a way she would like to be remembered or celebrated. Things only found out by asking. It may be important to have these conversations. I have had regrets and questions of what if’s. Unfortunately, I can’t get any answers to them now.
Everybody’s grief journey is different. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no timeframe for you to grieve her and be “happy” again. It may be useful to do research on grief, so you understand what happens in the brain and in the body, when it occurs. So that it isn’t too overwhelming, the emotions and the intensity. Or feeling that you must be doing it wrong. I found researching after losing my loved one, was incredibly helpful. It helped fill my time, in the overwhelming times, when I just needed to focus on something other than what I was feeling. I was distracting myself with research, instead of sitting in my feelings. You may not be able to fully prepare yourself for what is going to happen, but you can understand why it is happening. And I have always felt knowledge is power. Just try not to go too far into it too soon. Don’t fall down the rabbit hole, in other words. That could be damaging.
But if I can say one more thing, she is still here now. You have time to be with her and love her now. It doesn’t mean you still don’t have these questions, but time will answer some of them. Others we learn along the healing process. But you can still make memories and be with her physically now.
Some people aren’t aware, but your GP can connect you to a psychologist through Medicare. I believe it is per Calander year. It is an option to talk, when you are ready. There isn’t ever any shame in seeking help. Grief is a massive experience in one’s life. Sometimes we may need to lean on someone trained in this field of loss.
Also, call the hotline. I have and they are wonderful. They don’t push and allow you just to talk as you need too.
Wishing you well,
ABC01
