Home › Forums › Loss of a loved one › My beautiful mother
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November 9, 2024 at 5:56 am #34840katzpurrParticipant
This may not be allowed.
My mum has lung cancer amongst 2 others,she’s receiving palliative care atm and on a chemo break til December.
I’ve not lost one person in my family that I knew- I’m 48yrs old so this experience is very very new to me.My mum and I are extremely close and live 100mtrs away and in the same community.
My mum is well known by residents here as mum and I do alot of volunteer work in the community.I’m struggling to get my head around her dying.
I’m so scared it’s mind boggling.
I have not spoken of this to anyone else.
I haven’t asked her many questions as I don’t want to cry infront of her or anyone for that matter.
I just can’t get my head around her not being here anymore (here alive with me)
Is there an afterlife?.
Will her spirit still be alive?
I don’t understand what the point of life is because we all end up dying.
How can I live here when she is such a huge active member of this community?
I think of when she does pass and the funeral.
How do other people handle the grief?
Will I never see her again?
Will I ever be back to normal and smiling after she dies or will life be hard for me then on?I’m sorry if I’ve come to the wrong place but I don’t know where else to go.
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November 9, 2024 at 1:39 pm #34844VM_ally12Participant
Hi katzpurr
Thanks for reaching out; it sounds like you have a lot to process at the moment, and your mum’s diagnosis has really thrown you into a state of shock and disbelief.You have definitely come to the right place, and all the questions that are running through your mind are quite normal, particularly when you haven’t experienced the death of a family member before. It sounds like you really need someone to talk to who can help you process your questions.
Our Helpline is open between 8 am and 8 pm AEDT every day of the week, month and year. We are here to listen to you and offer guidance during this time. You can call us on 1300 845 745 and a volunteer will be available for you to speak to.
Our Griefline website has lots of great resources that you may find helpful; here is a link to one of them: https://griefline.org.au/resources/coping-with-loss/ that may be of help.
Please feel free to call the Helpline for a chat; hearing a friendly, understanding voice can go a long way at this time, and you won’t feel so isolated in your grief.
Take care of yourself
November 12, 2024 at 6:59 pm #34841VM-roseParticipantHello @katzpurr, I am deeply sorry to hear about your mother. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. It sounds like you share a close and special bond with your mother – so beautiful to hear.
I just want to acknowledge how much strength and courage it has taken for you to share your personal experience here on the Griefline forum. I also want to let you know that grief is a personal and unique experience for every individual and your feelings are completely natural. I also wanted to share that even if you do end up crying in front of your mother, that’s completely okay. You need to release and express your emotions, not keep them bottled up inside. It is my personal belief that our loved ones are always with us, whether here physically or with us in spirit. We are all souls, and I believe that souls live on.
Maybe you could try writing down your thoughts and feelings. This is a great way to express yourself and release your emotions. It’s also important to engage in self-care practices and treat yourself with compassion. Engaging with a support network is also a very important aspect of the grieving process.
You can call the Griefline on 1300 845 745 between the hours of 8am and 8pm, 7 days a week. You can also request a callback at a time that suits you. Here is the Griefline resources page: https://griefline.org.au/resources.
There are also some great insights in our Griefline articles here:
Continue to keep in touch through this online forum and take care of yourself. We are here to listen and support you.
November 16, 2024 at 5:53 pm #35010VM-Cody24ParticipantDear Katzpurr,
Thank you for sharing your story here.
It takes such courage to be so vulnerable.I recently lost a loved one to pancreatic cancer. It was so hard to watch one of the most beautiful human beings suffer so greatly.
I can relate to all of those questions that you are asking yourself and I wish we had the answers.
What I do know now is that I wish that I had not tried to always put on a brave face for my loved one. I wish that I had not been so scared to show my emotions. Those emotions were there because of the love and she deserved to witness that love.I hope you have found a way to share your feelings.
Please continue to reach out to Griefline, either via the telephone helpline (ph. 1300 845 745) or here on the online forums.
Take care.
November 17, 2024 at 9:11 pm #35051abc01ParticipantDear katzpurr,
I am sorry to hear your story and can understand getting to this age and not being touched by the death of a family member or someone incredibly close before. It is lucky in a way, but leaves you feeling underprepared for grief.
Mortality is full of tricky questions that are hard to answer. Because it is a personal preference and nearly everyone will have a different perception on it. Your grief may have already started with your mother’s diagnoses and all your thoughts you have conveyed are valid.
A great thing you have pointed out is how well known you and your mother are in your community. That will continue as a legacy and if you choose to continue doing volunteer work or go out and about in the community, when you feel you can, it is making an enduring connection with your mother. It is a way to continue celebrating her life. It is lovely that so many people will remember her with you.
When you are in the situation you are in, there is no control and emotions like anxiety can arise. It is important for yourself that you get to release these emotions. I know you don’t feel you can discuss how you are feeling with your mother, but there are two things to consider. You may be left with regrets if you don’t discuss what you need to, even the hard things. Regrets are worse than breaking down in front of your mother. And secondly, it may be helpful to your mother to be able to discuss these things with you too. To release her anxiety and to know that you are going to be heartbroken, but okay when she does have to leave you. She may need reassurance too. You might like to ask her if there is a way she would like to be remembered or celebrated. Things only found out by asking. It may be important to have these conversations. I have had regrets and questions of what if’s. Unfortunately, I can’t get any answers to them now.
Everybody’s grief journey is different. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no timeframe for you to grieve her and be “happy” again. It may be useful to do research on grief, so you understand what happens in the brain and in the body, when it occurs. So that it isn’t too overwhelming, the emotions and the intensity. Or feeling that you must be doing it wrong. I found researching after losing my loved one, was incredibly helpful. It helped fill my time, in the overwhelming times, when I just needed to focus on something other than what I was feeling. I was distracting myself with research, instead of sitting in my feelings. You may not be able to fully prepare yourself for what is going to happen, but you can understand why it is happening. And I have always felt knowledge is power. Just try not to go too far into it too soon. Don’t fall down the rabbit hole, in other words. That could be damaging.
But if I can say one more thing, she is still here now. You have time to be with her and love her now. It doesn’t mean you still don’t have these questions, but time will answer some of them. Others we learn along the healing process. But you can still make memories and be with her physically now.
Some people aren’t aware, but your GP can connect you to a psychologist through Medicare. I believe it is per Calander year. It is an option to talk, when you are ready. There isn’t ever any shame in seeking help. Grief is a massive experience in one’s life. Sometimes we may need to lean on someone trained in this field of loss.
Also, call the hotline. I have and they are wonderful. They don’t push and allow you just to talk as you need too.
Wishing you well,
ABC01 -
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