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Mum passing away during going through delayed grief/depression with Dads death

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Home Forums Loss of a loved one Mum passing away during going through delayed grief/depression with Dads death

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  • #23236
    Paul s
    Participant

    Hi,
    Was having an incredibly tough time dealing with my dads death. I had delayed grief and overwhelming emotional response and depression 3 years after he died in 2019. In 2020 my mum passed away also whilst i hadnt really progressed much with my dads healing. I was extremely close to my dad, he was my everything and then mum passing also just put the icing on the cake for a perfect storm or hurricane should i say. Ive had to resign from my job from dealing with depression also, as ive decided due to personal reasons against meds.
    Anyway, im finding this grief is so up and down, im trying to move forward and get going with becoming somewhat active in doing sinple tasks jobs, as im just coming out of a deep depression now, but still finding it painfull to do stuff withoit feeling guilty ill forget him especially and thats holding me back i think. Im looking forward to the future and what it holds, as im still single, but luckily have great friends and pretty good support, but evertine i start doing stuff it hits me and im hokding back and its fustrating and i get angry and then ball my eyes out, which ive already done alot with despair and sorrow amd screaming whichbi know is good.
    I know the pain will ease over time, bu its just so tough at moment.
    Anyone elses experiences would be much appreciated.
    Thankyou
    Paul

Viewing 10 replies - 1 through 10 (of 15 total)
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  • #23238
    VM- thanasis43
    Participant

    Hi Paul,
    I’m so sorry this has happened to you. Thank you for sharing what you are going through so openly with us here on the forums. The feelings you have described all sound incredibly normal given your losses, however, I understand knowing this does not alleviate your pain. Our parents are often the people that help us feel safe in the world and it sounds like you had a great relationship with your parents, especially your dad, so such losses do really seem to shake our foundations. @artemis and @mikey2022 can I’m sure relate to this feeling.

    Fearing we’ll forget our loved ones is common and you might benefit from writing down memories that come to you, to create a record of some of your favourite times with your parents. Or maybe you could create a playlist that evokes memories of them too. Some people also have things (eg. a mug or keyring) made using photos of their loved ones that will serve as regular reminders each time they use them. This Griefline article shares other tips on continuing your bond and coping with grief, which you may find useful: https://griefline.org.au/resources/coping-with-grief/

    It’s reassuring to hear that you have some good support around you. I would encourage you to keep reaching out to these people during times when you feel too depressed to do anything, even if you can only manage to send them a text. There is no timeframe for grief, or feeling ready to re-engage in social ways, but it’s important to stay connected with your support networks even if you don’t feel up to seeing them. You can also always call Griefline on 1300 845 745. Do you also have a counsellor you speak to about your depression?

    Try to focus on doing the little things that make you feel better and note things you might need to stay away from for a little while if they make you feel worse.

    Keep talking, we are here for you.

    #23241
    Paul s
    Participant

    Thanks alot,
    I Appreciate your reply. I have a councellor, she is good to talk to about my general progress and to give me encouragement, but in terms of relating to grief, she is abit light on, but helpful neverthless. Ive been trying to possibly find a more specific specialised grief councellor but its pretty hard.
    I always talk to my Dad everyday, he is still always there, to be my number one fan and supporter, its just feels like this grief is neverending and i know i bottle up my emotions alot and the only way to bring them out is to start moving forward and getting abit active to start of, but its so painful and excruciating at the moment, even though im looking forward to the future, however scary it might be without both of them gone now. Its great to have afew close friends and some concerned relatives who visit and call here and there, but its not the same when you lose the two people who loved you the most, unconditionally. I just feel lonely and angry and upset sometimes.

    I appreciate your message.
    Thanks

    #23355
    vmremember
    Participant

    Dear Paul s
    Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your special relationship with your dad. It is no easy task to overcome the loss of family member and especially the ones that you are close to and to have both your parents pass away within a small timeframe from each other would be a challenge for anyone. I just wanted to acknowledge your pain and discomfort and to let you know you are not alone whilst you are working through these emotions.

    The accumulative effect of your grief and loss, ups and downs and the depression I can only imagine would create some very grey or dark days for you whilst you sit with your pain and loss. It is okay to feel this way, and to work with your counsellor and other agencies to support you during this time. It is good to know you have some family and friends to support you whilst you learn to heal or find a place of comfort and to take care of yourself.

    Don’t forget to access Griefline’s “book a call” with a grief and loss counsellor for a 30min timeframe which can be accessed on the website http://www.griefline.org.au
    There is also a helpline that you can contact Mon – Fri 8am- 8pm 1300 845 745 and Lifeline 131114 can be contacted 24/7 and are especially good for those times when you wake in the middle of the night and may not be able to go back to sleep.

    Don’t forget we are here for you.

    #23364
    maree
    Participant

    Hello Paul,
    I too lost my Dad 4 years ago, and my mum in May 22. I relate to your loss( but losing Mum way harder for me), and depression and struggling with grief. Its so debilitating. Im finding it so lonely,as my friends ask me whats wrong with you as Im not an easy going person of late.They have put a time frame on my saddness I find so hurtful.Im so thankful you wrote your story, but sad for your losses obviously.

    #23365
    Paul s
    Participant

    Thanks Maree,
    Im sorry youve lost your parents also. Its a tough and lonely journey at times, this grief. My friends are the same, they dont really get it. I adore them and value their company, but they havent lost any of their parents, and just dont know what to say, especially as im going through deep depression also. I try to keep my contact with some of them abit conservative at moment, but still like to see one or two of them regularly, which i find are understanding and compassionate the moment. There is no time frame for grief, ive found that you will have it with you forever, this pain and sorrow, but it will ease and you learn to live on, and be happy, whichbis what they would want you to. Its a painful process, and it changes you forever. Its easy to get angry at people with any comments they might make, which seem stupid, i get that to, but be gentle and lenient with yourself. Its normal to feel alot of these things as your dealing with your grief, everyones different. Im starting a grief emotion journal also, when i have bad intense days of crying, anger, sorrow,,etc. Thats helping.
    Take care of yourself.

    #23368
    jc25
    Participant

    Dear Paul.
    I’m so sorry to hear of your loss, you have my deepest sympathy. Can I recommend a book I’m reading at the moment, trying to deal with my own Grief, that is helping? Its by Megan Devine, and called “Its OK, that you’re not ok”. I hope this helps, all the best. PS Its on Amazon, about $10-11 bucks? maybe from a Library too.

    #23369
    Paul s
    Participant

    Im sorry to hear about your loss also. Thankyou very much for the recommendation, i have just bought it, and look forward to reading it.
    I hope you are slowly working through your grief and finding peace, hope and happiness again.

    Kind regards.
    Paul

    #23433
    harv
    Participant

    Hi Paul,

    Very sorry to hear of your Mum’s passing, that’s one of the toughest losses to go through in life, and it would be a great deal harder with the delayed grief of your Dad’s passing. It’s important to go through the grieving process, absolutely, but watch that it doesn’t overwhelm you completely.

    Keep reminding yourself that they would want you to enjoy your time here and experience the best life has to offer. What helps me is writing a letter to my passed loved one and say or write all the things I didn’t get to tell them, it helps me to manage my grief well.

    Take care
    Harv

    #23688
    traceyh
    Participant

    Hello Paul,

    I am sorry for your profound losses. I resonate with the expression of your painful experience, that up and down, crying , depression, never ending, not wanting to use anti depressant drugs , losing the people that supported you unconditionally and facing the future without them.

    Take care

    Tracey

    #23697
    stillsad
    Participant

    Hi Paul & Maree
    I just lost my mum two weeks ago and my dad 4 years ago so understand how sad you must both feel. I wake up crying all the time and the loss seems overwhelming. I really wasn’t prepared for how hard it would hit me. I feel guilty for not being a better daughter and angry at myself and then angry that I didn’t get time to make things right. I am reading a book called “grief and grieving” which is helping (when I can read it without crying). The default position seems to be that death is transformative. But if you are not overly spiritual (no life after death) it’s super hard. I would like to think that mum and dad are watching over me but I’m not sure – do you think that your parents are still “present” ?

Viewing 10 replies - 1 through 10 (of 15 total)
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