Motherhood and Grief 💔😥💔 Share your stories of grief and loss here

[onlinecommunity]

As Mothers Day nears it can feel almost impossible to dodge the onslaught of soppy messaging in the community. Mothers day gifts, cards and flower bouquets have overtaken the stores, tv, radio and social media send out a constant barrage of triggering messages, friends make plans to catch up with their mums, grandmas etc, …it can feel like there’s no escape. Some of us just want to hide, switch everything off and wait for it to be over.

This is your space to share your grief and loss experiences about motherhood in all its forms. And to listen, support and give hope to one another.

We honour the children (young and old) who are grieving;

Those who have lost their beloved mum,
Those who have lost an adored grandmother, aunty or matriarch,
Those who have lost the one true maternal figure in their life,
And those never given the opportunity to love a mother.

We honour Mothers who are grieving for children lost;

Those who have lost children they loved and raised,
Those who have lost babies they held in their arms,
Those who have lost unborn children who lit a spark in their belly,
And those who have lost the dream of the precious child they longed for.

We honour Mothers who are grieving for a better life for their children;

Those raising children with compromised physical, mental or emotional health,
Those raising children in circumstances of poverty, violence or cruelty,
Those raising children who face untold adversity,
And those who find themselves estranged from their children

We honour the love of mothers, the love of a child for their mother, and the distinct form of grief and loss we suffer when they are lost to us.

Please express your grief and loss experience here 🌸

Topic

[JoJo90]

I didn’t realise how hard it can be to stop oneself from crying. Usually I’ve no problem but today has been so painful I have to keep hiding away because I can’t stop the pain from boiling over into tears.

Mum died from cancer 7 years ago and I’ve dealt with it very well since then however this is my first mothers day while being pregnant with my first child myself. A time in every daughters life when she needs her mother the most. Grandchildren was the only thing she wanted before she died but I was only 23 then and not ready to have children.

What’s hurting so much today is that mum was the only person in my life that loved me and cared for me. Now there is no one. After her death, dad ran off with an awful, selfish, manipulative hag and has conveniently forgotten he’s a father. There is no one else on his side, no one else on mum’s side who cares and my unborn baby has no father. I struggle badly with Aspergers and as such I live in a garage, where I will be bringing my baby back to in 3 months time, have no job because I’m not impressive enough to be hired and have no support whatsoever. If mum was here things would be different I think. She told me she loved me growing up and she would support me to live better if she were here.

Next mothers day I will be a mother myself. It breaks my heart to know I can’t provide my son with a family. I want him to have more than just a mother. That’s all I had and she’s gone. I don’t know why I was born. There seems to be no point. I wish I had been aborted or miscarried. They say everyone has a purpose. I think my purpose must just be to help keep people in jobs when I’m a paying customer or maybe just to care for my two cats.

I miss my mother more than ever today.

[onlinecommunity]

Dear JoJo90,

Just checking in and sending a note of care and also thanks for sharing your story on Mother’s Day. We acknowledge the overwhelming emotions you are dealing with, made even harder on Mother’s Day. It’s clear you had a very special bond with your mum which makes the grief all the more painful and it sounds like you’re going through a really hard time – being pregnant with your first child and feeling isolated and abandoned by your dad.

Like you say, we have no doubt your Mum would give you love and support if she were here. And we wonder what advice she would give you if she had the chance. Sometimes it’s helpful to imagine what our loved one would say to us – it can give us a new perspective on things and maybe even some help with decision-making. Perhaps she would look for ways to ensure you have the right support around you with the upcoming arrival of your beautiful baby…perhaps she even inspired you to write your post here on the forums!

As a young, single mother you deserve to be cared for and supported, if your family don’t have the capacity to do that for you right now, then there are many caring community agencies and individuals who would open their arms to you.

We have listed some agencies below who may be able to offer help;

• THE NATIONAL COUNCIL FOR SINGLE MOTHERS AND THEIR CHILDREN – give “access to information and support …and enables women to make informed decisions, and better equip them to protect and support themselves and their child (ren). NCSMC gives primacy to mothers living in hardship.

On their website, they state “Single mothers have and will continue to raise amazing children.” – we feel sure this relates to you too. Their website is https://www.dev.ncsmc.org.au/

• The Council of Single Mothers and their Children is a non-profit organisation founded by single mothers to improve both their lives and those of their children. They “do this through telephone and email support, giving single mothers a greater voice and advocating for their rights in employment, income security, affordable childcare and housing and respectful treatment from government agencies.” The website address is; https://www.csmc.org.au/

• Motherless Daughters Australia provide “a space for women and girls to grieve in an empowering and positive way, as they learn to navigate life without their mum. We bring women of all ages and backgrounds together to comfort, soothe and support each other in a non-judgemental space and provide platforms to facilitate discussion that might not otherwise have been possible. You can register with them at https://www.motherlessdaughters.com.au/

@JoJo90, the fact that you had the courage and clarity to publish your post shows us the huge amount of determination you have to care for your self and your upcoming baby. Not everyone is brave enough to share their story – this is a real strength. There are ways you can build on this resilience and some of them are listed on our “Coping with Grief” article which you can check out here on our Resource Hub. In the meantime, here are a few we feel might relate to you;

Establish safety and build self-empowerment…

Our grief can consume us with thoughts that cause fear and avoidance and make us believe things will never get better or that we should never be happy again but there are ways to feel safe and strong again. Here are some tips for feeling safe and in control;

Identify your strengths and remind yourself of the challenges you have overcome before this. Change your self-image from a ‘victim’ to a ‘survivor’ and even a ‘thriver’.
Note down coping strategies on post-it notes to turn to when you’re struggling. Stick them to high-use items such as your computer, steering wheel or fridge.
Start a coping diary in which you rate each day between 1 and 10 according to how well you coped. Ask yourself what you can do to increase your score and work on increasing the number of good days compared to bad.
Remember, you always have choices no matter how hard things seem. Don’t settle by thinking “it is what it is”.

Please keep in touch, we are here for you as you navigate your grief journey and the big changes in your life ahead 🌸

[JoJo90]

Thank you for the helpful reply. The strategies and links are great, I’ll be sure to look into them further.

[Peep]

It’s approaching the 3yr anniversary of my daughters death. This time I’m not taking anti depressants and I’m really feeling such grief. I don’t know how to cope with it. I used to talk to my best friend but she has dementia and I have lost her through that. I have my sisters but they don’t live close by, my husband keeps busy (he’s playing golf today) I’m sure its his way of coping. I hesitate to call my sisters because they also grieve for my daughter and me and its hard on them too.
I already distract myself by reading, but sometimes I can’t concentrate enough.
How do I get through this and keep on living?

[onlinecommunity]

Dear @Peep, welcome to the forums. We are so glad you are here reaching out for support as the anniversary of your daughter’s death approaches. Our hearts go out to you at this time.

At Griefline we so often hear from bereaved people in the lead-up to anniversaries. It’s a harrowing and frightening time because you know just what to expect. And it sounds like this year is particularly heartbreaking for you due to the fact that you are also grieving the loss of your friendship to her dementia. When we’re dealing with multiple losses such as yours our grief can get complicated – leading us to ask ourselves questions like ‘how do I keep on living?’.
You also asked how do I get through this… perhaps the answer can be found in your strengths. You have shown incredible strength to get through the last two anniversaries. How did you manage it? We acknowledge that you are lacking 2 important supports this year – the medication and your friend, but perhaps you can identify other supports that got you through? If so, try to lean on them (even if it means asking your sisters to prioritise your grief).

You might also like to read the article ‘In Search of Lost Strengths’ on our Resource Hub. It might be helpful for identifying the gaps in your social support and ways to fill them (particularly face-to-face support which is something you seem to be yearning for).

In the meantime, we hope that you’ll find support and understanding here on the forums. Please keep in touch over the coming days and weeks. Let us know how you are going. We are here for you in the lead-up to, on the day, and after your daughter’s anniversary. 🌸

[Peep]

Thank you for your reply, your comments were much appreciated. It really helps to know that someone else understands what its like to feel such grief and despair. My daughter died 3 years ago tomorrow. Sharing how I felt yesterday was a real help and the rest of the day I felt a little calmer. today I have cried but also read a bit and then watched some Netflix and was able to keep my mind occupied.
I will see how tomorrow goes, I don’t remember how I coped last year but I was taking anti-depressants and perhaps that helped a bit. I have noticed that without that medication I cry a lot more at anything that is sad. You feel more strongly and react more deeply without it.
Sharing my thoughts and feelings does help though, so thank you for your care and support. It really does help!

[GL friend]

Hi @JoJo90 i wish you never experienced this loss! Everytime i think of becoming a mother myself, i also miss my mother. I won’t be able to turn to her for advice or help at all. I have some memories and bits and pieces she told me, but thats it. I am not close to any other family members. She was my mum and my best friend. My friends have their mums along their motherhood journey but i wont have that. It is so hard. Sending you big big hugs. We cant take away the loss or the pain but i like to think mum is watching me from somewhere and wants me to be happy.

[Author]

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