More than a year later, I am suddenly now grieving my best-friend

[uncertifiedsandy]

More than a year ago – or about exactly a year now – my best friend suddenly stopped talking to me. I found out via a mutual friend that he “doesn’t want to see (me) right now”. I remember feeling a pit in my stomach, but until today I felt that I had accepted it for what it is. I told myself that my love for also extends to respecting his choices and if he were happier without me in his life, it’s not my place to be upset. So I lived happily without his presence over the last year – so I thought.
Last night it all came crashing down on me and I cried all the way until 7am and have sobbed in between my Friday. I never heard of and still do not know what I did to lose him. It hurts more that he made a conscious decision to say he didn’t want me around anymore. I only recall our last contact, he called me. I have a diary entry on that date that reads “I’m so grateful for him”
A year of thinking I was coping weirdly well to losing him, I now can see my year-long drug addiction, social isolation and lack of motivation may be related to this grief that I’ve carried with me for so long.

My heart is so broken. A year’s worth of sadness hit me. We used to see each other most every other day, if not chat on the phone for hours. Whenever we hung out I’d leave feeling so blessed. On my 21st birthday he took me to dinner where we simultaneously pulled a gift out for each other. We had both written cards detailing how grateful we were of each other.

Purely platonic with no romantic or sexual desire involved. No expectations, no pressure. The friends I still have, have gradually become less and less tolerable. Every friendship I have now feels like a disappointment and only reminds me of what I had. I’m already so distant from them – I’m afraid I’ll shut myself in from my high-standards for friendship and a combined fear of having to experience this kind of heart-ache again.

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[onlinecommunity]

Hi @uncertifiedsandy, thank you for sharing your grief experience with us here on the forums. Your story is of losing a beloved friend is heart-wrenching. It’s been a week now since your world came crashing down once the realisation of what happened hit you. And it sounds like it opened your eyes to the reality of how you’ve resorted to some destructive coping mechanisms in order to keep avoiding the grief.

We’re checking in a week later to see how things are going for you and to offer our support. After a year of willing yourself to be strong it’s little wonder your resolve finally gave way. Losing a friendship like you described can result in grief that is tricky to manage – you are experiencing a living loss which can leave us unsettled and perhaps anxious about how life will unfold now. You can read a little more about relationship loss here on our Resource Hub including this explanation of how abandonment can affect us;

“Do not believe that loneliness means you are unloved, inadequate or unwanted. Loneliness is a feeling it is not a fact. Our brains are wired to respond to fear of abandonment, which stems from very early experiences or fears as a child. An incident or memory can trigger this anxiety, sparking negative feelings or thoughts about ourselves …Although it may feel uncomfortable, if you feel lonely, reach out and connect with a friend and organise to catch up with them. Some of those old thought patterns may want to repeat, such as the belief that I am unlovable or unworthy. If these thoughts or feelings come up, just remind yourself that they are just old thoughts, feelings or ideas and that you do not have to listen or respond to them”.

You might also like to take a look at our mindfulness for grief page… which describes activities designed to allow you to feel the emotions rather than avoid them.

@uncertifiedsandy we hope these tools help and would love to hear how you are going this week. Take care. We are here for you. 🌸

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