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More than a year ago – or about exactly a year now – my best friend suddenly stopped talking to me. I found out via a mutual friend that he “doesn’t want to see (me) right now”. I remember feeling a pit in my stomach, but until today I felt that I had accepted it for what it is. I told myself that my love for also extends to respecting his choices and if he were happier without me in his life, it’s not my place to be upset. So I lived happily without his presence over the last year – so I thought.
Last night it all came crashing down on me and I cried all the way until 7am and have sobbed in between my Friday. I never heard of and still do not know what I did to lose him. It hurts more that he made a conscious decision to say he didn’t want me around anymore. I only recall our last contact, he called me. I have a diary entry on that date that reads “I’m so grateful for him”
A year of thinking I was coping weirdly well to losing him, I now can see my year-long drug addiction, social isolation and lack of motivation may be related to this grief that I’ve carried with me for so long.
My heart is so broken. A year’s worth of sadness hit me. We used to see each other most every other day, if not chat on the phone for hours. Whenever we hung out I’d leave feeling so blessed. On my 21st birthday he took me to dinner where we simultaneously pulled a gift out for each other. We had both written cards detailing how grateful we were of each other.
Purely platonic with no romantic or sexual desire involved. No expectations, no pressure. The friends I still have, have gradually become less and less tolerable. Every friendship I have now feels like a disappointment and only reminds me of what I had. I’m already so distant from them – I’m afraid I’ll shut myself in from my high-standards for friendship and a combined fear of having to experience this kind of heart-ache again.
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