Missing Mum

[calliek]

Hi All,

I am 37 years old and recently (FEB 2023) lost my mother as a result of a car accident. She had the car accident on the 31st of Jan and died on the 12th of Feb. Those two weeks were a blur, one minute she was going to be ok and the next, they were taking away her support and she was going to pass away. I was there the whole time and two weeks before the funeral which perhaps wasn’t a good idea – just constantly surrounded by her things. I don’t think I have still processed what actually happened. We lost my grandmother in June 2022, and i feel like we hadn’t even processed that and being the only two females in the family left, all we had was each other and now i am left without anyone. I don’t have many friends as i recently moved to South Australia from Victoria. I have two kids and a husband, and i feel like i am letting them down because i am always so sad. I just miss her so much. I think having her birthday come around so quickly (30 of March) and then Easter has also impacted me severely as she was meant to be here. My brother doesn’t seem to understand how i feel and is dealing with his own grief so i don’t want to burden him either. I just don’t know what to do anymore or how to “feel better” nothing is helping and i feel like i am slipping into a Giant Hole that i can’t drag myself out of without her here to help me. I just feel so alone.

Topic

[VMAngel23]

Hi CallieK
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Its clear that you had a strong bond and that you were each others support systems. I cant imagine how painful this is for you and what a big gap it has left in your life.
Its very natural to feel shell shocked, overwhelmed and lost given that your loss is quite recent and that her passing was sudden and you have also had other life changes like moving interstate. There is no timeline to ‘feel better’ as grief is a process that is individual and what you are feeling is completely normal. I can only imagine how challenging the two significant events this time of the year, her birthday and Easter were for you. Its clear that you are a strong person and you are holding things together for the family. Perhaps you could keep your bonds with your mother by writing down some of your favourite memories that you shared. Even though you feel like you are ‘letting your family down’ I am sure your family completely understand your loss and are there to support you throught this. If you have not already done this , you could call the helpline at Griefline on 1300 845 745 to chat to a trained volunteer about your feelings. There are also some resources on Griefline website on coping with grief to help you. Please continue to touch base through the online forum and take care of yourself. We are here to listen and to support you.

[VM-Kay]

Hello CallieK
I just wanted to reach out to you, your story is a very painful one. You have been through a lot, and each event in isolation would have been traumatic for anyone. But you have been practically bombarded. So acknowledge this, and give yourself whatever it is you need. You deserve to feel whatever you feel, whenever you feel it. You don’t need to hide it or fix it. Your family will understand, you are not letting them down.
Your brother will be dealing with his grief in his own way, no two people, even siblings, experience the same grief journey. Grief can be a lonely, unspoken experience, so reach out to people you trust, or to the number of supports available here at Griefline to talk about whatever you want. We are here for you and ready to listen. Take care

[vmestia]

Dear calliek,

Echoing VM-Kay’s reaction that you have been ‘practically bombarded’ and the VMAngel23’s understatement of the ‘big gap’ that has been left in your life – and the life of your wider family legacy. You and your mum were the only two women left, after your grandmother! The lost voice of matriachs is a big hole to fill, big shoes to fill, and in my imagination the Giant Hole you are slipping into is a giant cocoon that you weren’t prepared for or aware of! The weight of providing so much responsibility and support is petrifying. And awe-inspiring. Pictures and objects and meanings do say a thousand words, which is sometimes too much. Just being present… just being around… can be so much, and only just enough… maybe!

Seeing your struggle, and your family’s struggle through you. Wishing you all love and the best. Hoping you are eating, sleeping and getting your turn at being tucked into bed with a kiss and cuddle.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by vmestia.

[lmill283]

Hi
I understand just how you feel as I am feeling the same way. I lost my Mum May 2022 and I feel lost without her. When you say you feel like you are slipping into a hole, I feel like hiding under a rock. Let me know if you find a way to stop the slipping as I am willing to try anything to make this pain go away. My mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and her surgeon told her he could fix it with an operation. I knew this wasn’t possible and tried to tell Mum not to have the operation but my Dad was adamant that is what she wanted. The day before surgery I raced around the hospital trying to get someone to listen to me. My mum wasn’t well enough to undergo an 8 hour operation as three weeks prior her liver failed and they operated and put a stint in. That’s when they found the spot on her pancreas. No one would listen to me. I miss her so much and feel I should have done more to postpone or stop the operation. I miss her voice, I miss her advise, I miss knowing what she is making Dad for dinner. I just miss her and don’t see my life being able to go on without her. The operation ended up being 11.5 hours and after 14 days in ICU with me by her side they turned Mum off. I am broken into so many pieces and I don’t know if I can put me together again. I want you to know when you are feeling low I am feeling that pain too. Your family are what you do have so cherish them dearly.

[VM-Kay]

Dear Imill283,
What a tough time you have been through, and yet you find the strength to reach out to someone else. Those days in the hospital must have been so difficult, as our power is taken away by the medical processes and often leaving us feeling helpless. You did what you could, but please don’t blame yourself. You say your Dad had said it was what your Mum wanted. The pain you mention, that pain is the love you can no longer express. There is no time frame for processing grief, it’s an individual experience impacted by so many other aspects of our life. Acknowledge your grief and allow yourself the time and space you need. It may sound unthinkable, but while it will never go away, you will begin to grow around your grief. If you are able, please take a look at the resources available on the Griefline website to help you understand your feelings and emotions. Talking also helps to process your experience. You could try talking with a close friend or family member, or you can call Griefline, we always here for you. Take care

[Author]

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