Lost wife December 2022

[rooned]

She had ovarian cancer. Should be grateful we got 9 years of life after diagnosis.
I got stressed today. Someone started some childish banter in a gym sauna. I couldn’t deal with it. And had to leave early. Go home to an empty house. Man, this grief! Just kills me! What the hell does my life mean now? I can’t make sense of anything. I lack the energy or motivation to reinvent myself and my new situation. Poor poor pitiful me. 😀

Topic

[rooned]

All grief is tough. No use comparing loss of parent to spouse or child.
Minimising suffering is a problem. Take poverty for example. We think suffering in 3rd world countries is absolute worst. As if any Aussies aren’t suffering any poverty or any other kind of suffering.
We all suffer in different ways. And even small hardships need to be validated. Too much stoic mindsets. Thinking we need to just toughen up because someone has it much worse.i think there’s more room for kindness and respect in Australian society. And avoid hierarchies of suffering.

[VM-Suki80]

Hey,

Just wanted to check in and see how you were doing today?

Firstly, there is nothing pitiful about you. I found your message to be very courageous and open hearted, but I can relate to minimising feelings. When I was younger my mum died of cancer and I remember always minimising my feelings to protect those around me from feeling uncomfortable.

Secondly, childish banter can be infuriating at the best of times and so I totally get why you had to leave the gym sauna. I have found that during acute grief I have had zero tolerance for small-talk/banter/teasing/silliness/people who do not understand and selfishness. I think your reaction was completely justified.

Finally, I wanted to just see if you are getting support. Cancer is brutal and cruel, and I am really sorry you had to witness her suffering for 9 years. It sounds like you are struggling and I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in this. Have you called the helpline yet? I have found them to be incredibly helpful and warm hearted.
You can call them on 1300 845 745, they are pretty great.

Let me know how you are going
x

[vmsteph]

Dear @rooned,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your grief after losing your beloved wife. You are so very right – all grief is tough – and there is no right or wrong way to grieve a loss. Your loss is very recent and raw, and it is perfectly normal to feel undone, unsure, and overwhelmed at times. There is nothing pitiful in recognising and expressing your grief and I hope you will keep sharing your thoughts, as here you truly have a community of people who understand what you are going through.

Sometimes when we are floundering it can help to talk to others who are also grieving, as shared experiences and a sense of community can help us to navigate all the twists and tumbles of ongoing grief. As a first step please know that you can always reach out via the forums, or by calling Griefline on 1300 845 745. You may also find some comfort and solace through engaging with of Griefline’s support groups (see more details here https://griefline.org.au/get-help/support-groups/)

We are here to listen, to care, and to hold space for you in your loss, and we are honoured and grateful each and every time someone reaches out to share their experience, as by doing so you may also help others to feel less alone in their grief. I hope you will keep posting @rooned and let us know how you are getting on. Sending you strength and love for every step of this difficult path.

[VMSalty_Dog]

Hi Rooned,

I am sorry to hear of your loss. Your deep emotions and the energy this is taking from you comes across very clearly. Sharing something so personal with others takes a lot of courage and your post shows how much your partner meant to you. Time will make things easier, and eventually you will once more find the energy you now lack to create a new life – your inner strength that you have shown will make sure of this.
In the meantime, it is important to understand that we all can become hypersensitive to things that used not to bother us, and so stepping back as you did at the gym can be a good way of dealing with such things. Again, this will reduce over time.
We also have some resources online that might be of use to you, and you can call the help line if you would like to speak with someone.
We are honoured that you have shared with us and offer our condolences at this very difficult time.

Feel free to stay in touch

[rooned]

Suki 80 and Steph. Thanks so much. That was helpful.
Salty Dog you were helpful too. I just want to pick you up on one point. That of “hypersensitivity”.
Here’s the context in more detail.
I walk into a gym.one guy says to me”haven’t seen you in a while. What you been up to?”
Before I could answer, a complete stranger to me interrupts and says “he’s been serving time in prison”.
Now, that comment would annoy me at any time. Not just through the grieving period.
How would you react? How would anyone react? I like making jokes but that joke is inappropriate even with people I know.
I didn’t walk out immediately. I waited about 10 minutes. Pretending it was too hot.
I just think we need to be careful when using judgemental language like ” hypersensitive”
when supporting someone , whether they are grieving or not.

[VM-Kay]

Dear Rooned,
Your comments are so right. Everyone has suffering in one form or another. I think David Kessler (Author) makes a good point, where he says grief is like a never-ending pie, there’s always another slice for someone else. And we can never compare our griefs, each person’s grief is individual to them.
I can hear your sense of loss and not knowing how to cope with your new circumstance, a change you did not want. Both Suki and Steph give great comments about how normal it is to be floundering in these early days. It can be helpful to think of your emotional wellbeing as a cup that is currently full to the brim. There is no extra space for the day-to-day life things that you would normally handle with ease. Gift yourself a break and do only the essentials until you can see through the mud.
You mention the empty house. Filling that empty space, that loneliness, is a great challenge in grief. I encourage you to take a look at the Griefline website for some ideas about ‘continuing the bond’ with your wife. Coping with Grief – Griefline
I sincerely hope you are able to find something that will feel right for you and allow you to take that first small step. And as others have said, please reach out to anyone to talk, talking really does help. Thinking of you Rooned, take care

[rooned]

Good post Kay. Thanks

[VM-Luna]

Hello Rooned,
Why push to reinvent yourself? Perhaps it is a gradual process of acceptance and growth, remembering who you were before your wifes’ diagnosis. I can hear your anger and your overwhelming sadness, longing, and lostness in your words, emotional volatility goes hand in hand with grief. I think the grief of a loved one passing after a long illness can be devastating, as you are also processing the grief, anxiety, fears, and hopes that have been present since the diagnosis, once the person passes there’s no reason to hold it in (to be strong for your wife), it all comes rushing forward and it becomes complex to work out what is current grief and what is preparatory grief. I know for myself, the shock of a loved one passing, even knowing that it was death was coming, took a little while for it to really sink in, and then the loss really hit, it took a long time to allow the loving remembrances, joys and fun times to come through the feelings of grief and to bring some comfort and gratitude for the time we had together. When you love well, love deeply and have been loved well and deeply, it can bring comfort during the loneliness. Thank you for reaching out and sharing yourself, I wish you well and remember we at Griefline are here.

[Author]

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