Lost my Wife of 43yrs

[raybo]

My name is Ray, My wife died 62 days ago, and im having trouble coping, I was here full time carer for 20 yrs, she died of cancer, and i was by her side when she went, that was very traumatic, I dont have anyone to help me, my kids live very far away, Ive lost my wife, my friend, my lover, my job (carer )I have nothing left, I lay on the couch and cry alot, Its very hard to find things to fill in my day, When i do find something to do, its horrible to do it on your own, I cant ever imagine life will ever be any different, I hate being on my own, Hate eating alone, sleeping alone etc, also i have social anxiety, Can anyone, tell me that this is going to get better ?

Topic

[bean]

Hi Ray,
I don’t know if I can say it will get better but I’ve just lost the love of my life and it’s been one day. Seeing that you have hung in there for 62 days gives me some hope. Thank you

[marisa]

raybo, I’m so sorry for your loss. It must be especially hard after having been your wife’s carer for so long. I can only speak from my own experience, but those first few months of grief are HARD, and crying a lot, and finding it hard to fill in the day are understandable under the circumstances. You might even find it difficult to think clearly, or to feel motivated to do things. I think that’s normal. I lost my husband 8 months ago and while I still cry a lot and often feel that things are hopeless, I’m coping better with day-to-day life. Meals get cooked, kids and pets get fed, dishes get washed. Time does change the nature of your grief and you will learn new ways to get through the days (and the nights). Can you get one of your children to come spend some time with you? Having someone to talk to about your wife, or just how you’re doing, might be helpful for you. I wish you all the best.

And bean, my condolences to you too. Take it one day at a time and be kind to yourself. Somehow the days do pass by and then those first days of loss feel like they were a strange dream. All the best to you.

[VMSal]

@raybo @bean @marisa – I’m so deeply sorry for the losses each of you has endured.

Dear Ray, it may feel very unnatural and wrong at the moment, but what you are describing are actually very natural responses to the loss of a longtime life companion. Not only are you missing your wife, but suddenly, the roles you have fulfilled for so long have ended. It is brutal to start doing things on your own, and can feel overwhelming to think of what to do next or how life might ever be different than what it feels like right now. Please know that all of these thoughts are also natural under the circumstances. Also know that you have endured traumas not only of witnessing your wife’s death, but even the longstanding carer role would have had its challenges and stresses. Recovering from all of these things does take time, but it is most definitely possible.

In answer to your last question, YES, it does get better as Marisa has also said. Exactly how it gets better looks different for each of us. It may not feel like it right now, but it is good to cry and let those emotions out. It is part of the healing journey. Grieving fully is important, as is learning to live fully again. Again, as Marisa has noted, it’s one day at a time at this stage: look for the little daily wins – getting out of bed, getting dressed, maybe making yourself a meal, getting out of the house for groceries, or just going for a short walk, spending some time in nature, perhaps ringing up your kids or a friend or ringing us up here at Griefline on the Helpline or by booking a call through griefline.org.au Even just reaching out here is a win – forging new connections and knowing that you aren’t alone in your grief. Somehow by witnessing each others’ pain, we each gain that little bit of strength to take us through another day. And little by little, day by day, we relearn to live and find new purpose.

May I also suggest considering options for ongoing support, perhaps by seeking counselling in your area or online, or registering for Griefline’s online support groups? You can find information here https://griefline.org.au/get-help/support-groups/
You can also find helpful articles under the Resources section of the website. Do let us know how you are getting on; we are here to support you. Wishing you strength and comfort, Sal.

[VMSal]

Dear Bean, I’m so sorry for the loss you have just endured. Under the circumstances, it’s good you’ve reached out here to look for support and are finding hope in the experiences of others. Whenever you are ready for it, we are here to listen on the Helpline or via the Booked Call Service. Meanwhile, wishing you strength and comfort, Sal.

[VMSal]

Dear Marisa, it is a hard, unwanted road we’re placed on; helping each other is how we move forward. So I thank you for opening up, sharing your experiences and offering support to our fellow community members. Please know that we are here to listen should you feel like a chat. Meanwhile, wishing you too strength and comfort, Sal.

[vmpercy]

Hey Ray,

I’m really sorry to hear about the loss of your wife. What you’re going through matters, and the emptiness and loneliness you’re feeling is unimaginable. Being her caregiver for 20 years is proof of your deep love and commitment to her. It’s absolutely okay to struggle. Your kids being far away must add another layer of difficulty to your painful time. You’re not alone, Ray, and while words on a forum can’t replace real human contact, we’re here for you in whatever small way we can be.

Your post also gives a glimpse of your resilience. You made it 62 days, even if they were hard ones. That speaks to your inner strength. Take small steps each day, maybe even talk to a professional if that’s something you’d consider. No one should go through this type of loss alone, and sometimes forums like this or professional help can serve as a bridge to better days. Take care.

[Author]

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