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About 3 weeks ago I lost my mum
She died in hospital after a few weeks of illness
I’m one of so many in my family (there are 12 of us kids, 6 of us who are over 18) and I’m the only one doing anything
Today I went to the house alone to start clearing out a few things sorting some stuff out. none of my siblings (who I have little to do with ordinarily) are doing anything.
I am miserable and I’m exhausted
Losing my mum has an added layer of complexity as we had a turbulent relationship. I was removed from her often as a child as she was quite neglectful and struggled to give us the bare minimum. I spent my whole 27 years thinking she neglected us on purpose and that she was happy to have us removed. She never once told me she loved me and would often tell us we were in the way. But it only became apparent to me this year that she did her best and had good intentions but she just lacked the ability to care for us, my dad was also very abusive to us all and that affected mums ability to care for us. I only started having these realisations about my upbringing a few months ago. I’ve had little to do with her over the last few years. She was very mentally unwell and when I tried to contact her I was met with abusive yet in coherent messages.
I feel all sorts of complex feelings around mum.
Going to her house today was hard. I went not long after her death, to check up on a few things. I found out that she had pictures of me, my kids and my partner on the fridge that she has found on my social media (that I didn’t have her on), and then today I found a box of things she kept of mine from when I was a kid, certificates etc things she told me were rubbish and that dad would throw in the bin if I didn’t shut up
I feel sick
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