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In 2018 I lost my mum. About 3 years prior I was cast out of my family due to my divorce which they didn’t agree with or support me through. My mother was living with my sister in her final years and my sister was determined to punish me for leaving my partner and “breaking up my family”. We have two children.
My partner at the time had a s&x addiction and was regularly seeing prostitutes and visiting massage parlours behind my back. When I discovered these things he went crying to every member of my family and ensured they all heard his side and I was thrown under the bus and blamed for his behaviour. My complicated family dynamic meant that they were easily manipulated against me and these past 8 or so years the hatred towards me has been the most soul-destroying thing I have ever experienced.
I tried to reach out to my mother many times and I was ignored and my sister told my mother to stay away from me. I saw my mother 6 weeks before she died and I was quite cold towards her as she had never given us the opportunity to talk things through. She just wanted to sweep everything under the carpet without me ever having a voice or the chance to tell her how much she hurt me. I didn’t know she was close to dying as I hadn’t seen her in a few years. As I left she told me she loved me and it hurt to hear her say that because she had been so cold towards me in the years prior. I went through my divorce completely alone and it was so painful. I didn’t tell her I loved her back as I wanted her to know how much she’d hurt me. I didn’t really see her again after that.
6 weeks later I got a call that she was nearing the end. I went to the hospital to see her but the nurses said she was ok but it was time for us to put her into care. They were keeping her in hospital until we could find a care home for her. Our conversation was short and awkward and again, I had that resentment towards her for deserting me and not letting me have a voice.
3 days later I went to see her again and she was in a coma. The nurses said she’d had a lot of morphine and she would be fine, she’d wake up a bit later. So I went home but something didn’t feel right so a few hours later I went back. By this stage she was basically in a vegetative state but I still didn’t understand what was happening. The nurses allowed us to stay as they eventually told us it wasn’t looking good. I climbed into bed with her and begged her to wake up. I cried and held her as I knew my chance to make amends was slipping away.
She finally passed around 3am. It took about a month to hit me and then the grief was frightening. 4 years later my sister is still attacking me, telling everyone that I hounded and harassed my mum right up to her death. Nothing could be further from the truth, I am an extremely kind person who would never hurt anyone. I wrote my mum a letter telling her how much I loved her and wanted a relationship with her but she never replied.
The anguish over our ending and my sister’s continuous hatred of me is not allowing me to process this and move forward. I grieve over my dead mother and my living sister who hates me to my core and I have never had a chance to even talk to my sister. She put many systems in place to ensure I was silent and the pain of it all is so hard to sit with.
I just don’t know what to do anymore.
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