Lost my mum before we made amends

[indigo115]

In 2018 I lost my mum. About 3 years prior I was cast out of my family due to my divorce which they didn’t agree with or support me through. My mother was living with my sister in her final years and my sister was determined to punish me for leaving my partner and “breaking up my family”. We have two children.

My partner at the time had a s&x addiction and was regularly seeing prostitutes and visiting massage parlours behind my back. When I discovered these things he went crying to every member of my family and ensured they all heard his side and I was thrown under the bus and blamed for his behaviour. My complicated family dynamic meant that they were easily manipulated against me and these past 8 or so years the hatred towards me has been the most soul-destroying thing I have ever experienced.

I tried to reach out to my mother many times and I was ignored and my sister told my mother to stay away from me. I saw my mother 6 weeks before she died and I was quite cold towards her as she had never given us the opportunity to talk things through. She just wanted to sweep everything under the carpet without me ever having a voice or the chance to tell her how much she hurt me. I didn’t know she was close to dying as I hadn’t seen her in a few years. As I left she told me she loved me and it hurt to hear her say that because she had been so cold towards me in the years prior. I went through my divorce completely alone and it was so painful. I didn’t tell her I loved her back as I wanted her to know how much she’d hurt me. I didn’t really see her again after that.

6 weeks later I got a call that she was nearing the end. I went to the hospital to see her but the nurses said she was ok but it was time for us to put her into care. They were keeping her in hospital until we could find a care home for her. Our conversation was short and awkward and again, I had that resentment towards her for deserting me and not letting me have a voice.

3 days later I went to see her again and she was in a coma. The nurses said she’d had a lot of morphine and she would be fine, she’d wake up a bit later. So I went home but something didn’t feel right so a few hours later I went back. By this stage she was basically in a vegetative state but I still didn’t understand what was happening. The nurses allowed us to stay as they eventually told us it wasn’t looking good. I climbed into bed with her and begged her to wake up. I cried and held her as I knew my chance to make amends was slipping away.

She finally passed around 3am. It took about a month to hit me and then the grief was frightening. 4 years later my sister is still attacking me, telling everyone that I hounded and harassed my mum right up to her death. Nothing could be further from the truth, I am an extremely kind person who would never hurt anyone. I wrote my mum a letter telling her how much I loved her and wanted a relationship with her but she never replied.

The anguish over our ending and my sister’s continuous hatred of me is not allowing me to process this and move forward. I grieve over my dead mother and my living sister who hates me to my core and I have never had a chance to even talk to my sister. She put many systems in place to ensure I was silent and the pain of it all is so hard to sit with.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.

Topic

[vmiris]

Hello Indigo115,

Thank you for sharing your experience here and the depth and honesty in which you did so!

It certainly sounds like you’ve been through a lot and I hope that reaching out here and writing provides you with some comfort or support. While of course I can’t tell you what to do to stop the pain, I can say that in reading your story here you clearly sound like a kind and loving person, who was there for your mother in the end despite the difficult experiences you share of being excluded and misrepresented. I wonder if any of the other services available here via Griefline might be supportive for you being able to continue to hear your voice heard, as you wrote that you didn’t have a voice in a lot of the situations with your family of origin members. Despite that, you also write of your mother expressing that she loved you and, once again, you were there with her at the time you write about and I imagine she would have known and felt your presence.
For me, when I first heard the following quote, it really resonated with me. Please, if it does not resonate with your personal experience, discard it, but I do find that when we share our grief with others who are willing and open to walk, talk and share in those depths together, we do find a family of logical and meaningful supports –
“Sooner or later, though, no matter where in the world we live, we must join the diaspora, venturing beyond our biological family to find our logical one, the one that actually makes sense for us. We have to, if we are to live without squandering our lives.” ― Armistead Maupin, Logical Family: A Memoir

All the very best to you and please write more here, if/when you find it supportive in any way/s.

[vm_sapphire]

Dear Indigo,

thank you for reaching out and sharing your experiences. You have described so many difficult losses within a short time – I want to acknowledge the courage and strength you have shown through such traumatic circumstances. Any one of those losses (loss of your Mum, marriage breakdown and divorce, family breakdown) would be enough on their own but to experience them altogether – it must be incredibly painful. How are you? In the absence of your family who can you turn to for emotional support? Perhaps good friends or a counselor?
Life is easier to manage when it makes sense however when we experience such traumatic losses it is hard to make sense of them. Indigo, please be gentle on yourself and remember that we are here at Griefline Monday to Friday 8am to 8pm (1300 845 745) to listen and walk alongside part of the journey with you. We also have lots of resources on the website, which may be helpful to you.
If you’re ready to talk, we are here, ready to listen. You are not alone, Indigo. Please let us know how you are today.

[debsayge]

Hello Dear Indigo
Deb responding (my sweet Sayge),
Oh Indigo please receive the most caring heartfelt embrace, that’s all reaching me in a lonely painful place, I so empathise, your woeful tale is an echo to me, of my own pain filled life of being the black sheep…..losing your mother in this way at this time for you, just heart wrenching, may I say though no fault of yours, you’ve always tried, you are and have been a light that they can’t stand along side, I know this feeling so well, always (I’m 59 now) going back to try to make amends, I too sent cards and pleas many many heartfelt attempts, over all these many years which were heartlessly returned in bundles and all unopened as well…..however in the meantime raising my small family making a wonderfilled life for us full of love and care, which id never known, all I knew was being cut off and criticised cruelly put down, ignored, over looked, certainly not what they wanted etc etc, you know what it’s like, if I didn’t make contact nothing ever happened. My family has been really cruel neglectful to me for so long and like you I’m also a very caring compassionate person who never wanted to give up on the healing of that, always and always to my detriment…..my father , brother (with his own now dysfunctional family of 4 girls), have not even acknowledged our tragedy…..my mother is as cold as ice with no empathy , they are all estranged from each other …… long time….
Thank you VMIris for adding the quote about finding the logical people, that’s what I did with my children and partner, though what now! Losing my Sweet Sayge, Indigo my life makes no sense …. I feel this loss of our Sayge has finally drawn the line which I will never cross again, but then there’s mum !!who always been unwell and I’m there helping her, sleeping over and holding her in bed, just the stuff around that’s needed….doing her garden etc, .even though she’s always made it clear I’m not important at all, wishes she’d never had me! as even in her fragility now (she’s only 75) just like you still feeling so so hurt at the mistreatment but still finding it in our hearts to love, I have no expectations anymore,but this cold fragile falling apart physically mother of mine, after never ever a word of comfort, acknowledgement, encouragement, or I love you, and I mean ever!!!! Said to me last week I’ve always been filled with so much volatility toward you and I’ve been so jealous of you!!! My response was a feeling of shock, but said nothing, which I now feel was the best response, she’s always been told by me she’s loved…..
The trouble is as I see it the damage has been immense for daughters like us, however I say to you (and myself) just keep loving, I pray everyday, please help me keep my bleeding heart open (not religious but there’s got to be a higher good, beyond what we can ever know)somehow, some way our immense capacity to live and love deeply may just get us through, I hope you don’t mind me sharing, it felt important to share some of my back story, to help you feel seen and so understood.
I wish I could hold you while we cry……you my dear friend are never alone, not anymore.
XxDeb

[Author]

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