Lost my dad am at a loss at what is happening

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  • #13872

    I lost my dad 9 weeks ago
    He died of aspiration pneumonia
    But he had terminal kidney cancer.
    I’m struggling with how I’m feeling.
    I was his full time carer, I have a sister who doesn’t give a damn is treating my mum like crap. Have found out she is back stabbing me to strangers.
    I lost my job I was full time with dad for 8 years while she was still living her life. Working etc.
    All I wanted was to make sure dad was safe, not scared, loved and didn’t go to a nursing home. I achieved that and more. But my sister has really made me so upset I can’t function. She even went to the extent of letting her boyfreind come to dads funeral with a red flower shirt and red shoes. Wearing sunglasses in church and fondling with her the whole service plus giggling etc.
    I feel he wanted focus on him. Well he succeeded instead of a funeral about dad. It was a funeral about him and his stupid antics.
    This looser is a gold digger and he has caused so much upset to myself and my mum.
    My dad did not deserve that. This looser never came to see dad once while he was ill.
    I go visit dad at the cemetery everyday and cry everyday. I’m beside myself with grief. I want dad to come back.
    I’m so upset I just told my sister never to speak to me again after finding out she has been back stabbing me for years. This was the final straw. I hate her for what she has done and what she is doing.
    Mum is not well and I feel she will put her with dad sooner than expected.
    I feel I do all the work and get abused and judged but I’m not doing anything wrong.
    I just want to grieve the loss of dad not deal with this crap.
    Am I over reacting. Am I wrong in feeling this way.

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  • #14320

    Hi @Effie, welcome back 😌. Saturday sounded like a really tough day. To help your mum through the coughing attack would have been very triggering after what you went through when you were caring for your Dad. Reliving these painful times in our life can land us in a space of acute grief all over again and weaken our sense of hope for recovery after loss.

    Your dedication to your ailing parents is really inspirational – especially when you feel like you have had to do the whole thing on your own. Maybe every now and again you could focus on giving yourself the same kind of care and compassion. Maybe step outside yourself for a moment and think what you would do for ‘Effie’ who is struggling so much. Does she need to go out for a walk/grab a coffee at a local cafe/relax and watch a favourite TV show/practice some mindfulness/listen to some uplifting music/write in a journal…whatever it is that gives you a break and makes you feel good. It might give you at least a half-hour in your day when things are not so bad. And if you can string together more of these moments in your days and weeks then life becomes more bearable with hope for a better future for yourself.

    Keep in touch. We are here for you. 🌸


    Today my mum was struggling with a cough attack couldn’t breathe
    I settled her down she over heated I felt like I saw my dad in her oh I freaked out. I’m feeling I’m going to go through the next stage in my life looking after mum. As my brother n sister have disappeared since dad passed away.
    Have I just got sucker in my face or mud. Cos I’m really not seeing myself have a life at all. I’m seeing mum going and me not long after. My life was never my own.
    I just want dad home with me.
    Bad day.


    Hi and Thanku
    Ur amazing
    I’m sorry but I just cannot move forward I’m really struggling. I can’t explain it.
    But Thanku


    Although it was harder than I thought to let my dad go through cancer, sharing how I did get through with others lets me remember how I found the strength and resilience to celebrate his life and cherish his memory, even through the sadness and loss.


    Hi Mary
    Sorry for late reply.
    Thanku so much for ur amazing reach out.
    I’ve been struggling so much with loosing dad I’m just beside myself.

    I’m going to the cemetery daily crying daily just completely lost and really empty.

    But Thanku fir not judging me ur amazing.


    Hi Effie,
    Some of the best advice I have been given is that only you know how you need to grieve. So grieve in the way you feel is best. It is the hardest time, the most excruciating time, so you need to do what feels right. People who judge you usually have no idea how much pain you are in, so you need to put yourself before their judgements and comments. Your grief is a measure of your love, and it sounds as though you were so loving and committed to making your father’s life the best it could be. What a beautiful person you are. I hope you are able to take care of yourself while you go through this difficult journey. It is early days yet.


    It’s been 11 weeks since we buried my dad. I still go to the cemetery daily and I still cry everyday. I’ve been judged for going everyday by my husband and it bothers me.
    I miss dad.
    I want to see him.
    I’m still at a loss


    You are amazing Thanku so much
    Your just what the doctor ordered.
    Please take care of u. Speak soon.
    My brother dropped off my 8 year old niece to stay for Afew days. We are gonna make pancakes. She’s a handful.
    Will speak soon.

    Ef ❤️

    GL friend

    hey @effie i didnt think you were selfish at all. we all have our grief. remember its very recent too that your dad passed away. its normal for you to feel many feelings. its interesting that you heard footsteps in the house. i sometimes hear my mums voice. its nice to feel like i have some kind of connection in that way, even if it is just my brain coping with the loss. sometimes i write a letter to her and then wonder what she might write back to me and write that too. it sounds a bit silly but its my way of keeping connected, I guess. you are compassionate and kind to continue to be there for your mum and look after her. make sure you look after yourself too. i know it hurts when we feel like we are the ones pulling all the weight but others seem to just be cruising and unaffected. give yourself time. try to focus on your breathing, remind yourself whats important to you. and make sure youre eating well, drinking water, and try to get some good nights sleep. sometimes when im struggling a lot, i ask myself,”what would mum tell me right now” and the answer pops up. i dont know if my post helps you but i hope it does.


    Hi all
    You know I’m really disgusted with my sister n how she has treated my
    Mum from the day dad passed away.
    No contact just rude disrespectful
    No support whatsoever. Yet I have seen her at the cemetery Afew times with crocodile tears.
    Mum cry’s everyday regarding my sister. I feel she is selfish and my
    Does not deserve this.
    I’m at the point where I don’t want to see my sister or talk to her I’m over it. She can be with her gold digger boyfriend but she looses everything else. And for me. Once I make my mind up. I can’t go back. I’m done. Who knows maybe I’m the selfish one. But I don’t think so. My life has not changed. I’m still here caring gor mum. Whilst she’s living her life.
    I hate her not my sister anymore.
    She’s an idiot in my eyes.

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