Lost my dad am at a loss at what is happening

[Effie]

Hi
I lost my dad 9 weeks ago
He died of aspiration pneumonia
But he had terminal kidney cancer.
I’m struggling with how I’m feeling.
I was his full time carer, I have a sister who doesn’t give a damn is treating my mum like crap. Have found out she is back stabbing me to strangers.
I lost my job I was full time with dad for 8 years while she was still living her life. Working etc.
All I wanted was to make sure dad was safe, not scared, loved and didn’t go to a nursing home. I achieved that and more. But my sister has really made me so upset I can’t function. She even went to the extent of letting her boyfreind come to dads funeral with a red flower shirt and red shoes. Wearing sunglasses in church and fondling with her the whole service plus giggling etc.
I feel he wanted focus on him. Well he succeeded instead of a funeral about dad. It was a funeral about him and his stupid antics.
This looser is a gold digger and he has caused so much upset to myself and my mum.
My dad did not deserve that. This looser never came to see dad once while he was ill.
I go visit dad at the cemetery everyday and cry everyday. I’m beside myself with grief. I want dad to come back.
I’m so upset I just told my sister never to speak to me again after finding out she has been back stabbing me for years. This was the final straw. I hate her for what she has done and what she is doing.
Mum is not well and I feel she will put her with dad sooner than expected.
I feel I do all the work and get abused and judged but I’m not doing anything wrong.
I just want to grieve the loss of dad not deal with this crap.
Am I over reacting. Am I wrong in feeling this way.

Topic

[Effie]

Hi keymaster
Thanku so much
Yes I’m glad I reached out. But my feelings go deeper in that I feel it’s my fault, I feel I failed him by allowing him to pass away. I looked after him medically in every way at home. I kept him out of hospital for so long. I guess
I feel it’s my fault I didn’t fix him. I’m struggling with the fact he aspirated and I wasn’t there when it happened
I’m want him back and I’m lost without dad.
Thanku so much
Effie

[Effie]

Hi Gl friend

Thanku so much.
But hearing ur story has made me feel
A little selfish. I’m so sorry I’m hoping I don’t look like I feel I’m the only one going through this. I’m just struggling and really am lost at what has happened.
I’m so sorry about ur mum n I hope u have been getting through this time, I’m glad u are doing what counts for u and the memory of ur mum. Undoubtedly who was a major mentor in your life.
You are amazing and Thanku for responding I’m glad I reached out. But I’m still struggling I just hope it eases in the future. I’m
Sick to the stomache over it. And I must say I know this will sound dumb, but Katy night after I wrote online I heard footsteps through the house. I believe it’s dad checking up on me n my mum. As whilst my dad was it I slept at mum n dads for eight years and still do as mum is not well so I’m still here with her.
I feel he is here with us and I feel he is not happy with my sister at all it would not please him what she has done.
I’m just beside myself and I want to see him. You know everyday I go to cemetery and ask him to come take me.
I can’t explain it. I’m lost.
Thanku you are amazing
Ef

[onlinecommunity]

Hello @Effie. Welcome to the Griefline forums community – we are so glad you are here. You have shown such strength to share your intense grief at the loss of your Dad with whom you clearly had a very special bond. Also to let us know the struggles you’re experiencing with feelings and thoughts of anger, hurt and betrayal. Please know that you have come to a supportive space to express your pain and in return receive understanding from others with shared experience.

You ask if you are over reacting or wrong in feeling the way you do and the answer is no… because everyone grieves differently. The feelings and thoughts that come up can surprise and confuse us but they are our own unique response to the loss. As @GL friend says – be kind, and honour yourself. In your heart of hearts you know that you did everything you could to ease your father’s pain and suffering and show him absolute love in his final years. Your care and compassion for him despite having to make significant sacrifices was a precious gift to both of you because no one can ever take it away.

Sometimes when people around us are behaving in ways we feel are unfair or at odds with the situation, it helps to remember that they too are responding to the loss in their unique way which is built on a complex range of thoughts and feelings.

Time is a great healer in these situations as is talking through your experience – just as you are doing here. It helps to remember that the process of healing is more like a marathon than a sprint so it can be wise to take our time in making big decisions about life and family.

Having a good understanding of grief and loss is often helpful so you might like to access the information on the Griefline Resource Hub .

Another helpful tool to give you some much needed respite from distress is Griefline’s ‘Reflecting on Positive Experiences‘ mindfulness recording.

Take care and let us know how you’re faring @Effie.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 7 months ago by onlinecommunity.

[GL friend]

hi @effie
i am so sorry to hear about your loss. you are not overreacting at all. you deserve the time and space to be able to grieve the passing of your dad. i think funerals are sacred events but some people just dont understand or respect that. ive never understood why.
i lost my mum a few years ago.. and i dont talk to my sister anymore after years of trying. i felt like it was affecting the way i wanted to remember mum so i just did what i felt was right for me.
it sounds like you did the best you could to make sure your dad felt safe and comfortable. youre a wonderful person and daughter for doing that.
i cant tell you what to do but i think you should follow your gut. i find it comforting to think of all the good memories i have with my mum. sometimes i cook her favourite food. i put a picture of her on the fridge so shes watching me cooking (i learnt everything i know from her). on xmas, i lit a candle in her memory and cried my heart out. she lived fireworks. idk what will happen with nye this year but if there are fireworks, ill be thinking of her. yes, there will always be distractions and people who want to deter me from my memories and time with mum, but, they dont have control over my thoughts. and they dont have control over your thoughts either. your time and your memories with your dad are precious and you are allowed to grieve in the way that feels right for you. sending you lots of courage. you keep being you and be kind to yourself.

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