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My wife (49) died of cancer three weeks ago. The end of her life came very quickly after a a 20 month battle with stage 4 bowel cancer. I have a 14 year old son. The depth of my grief has surprised me. I thought that I had been preparing for her death, however, the depth of pain has come as a shock. My grief feels like this:
I stand behind you all day, sometimes I will move closer to you and sometimes I eyeball you from 2 cm away. With my constant craving for your attention I hold a false promise that once you finally deal with me in the correct way, everything will be returned to you as it was before. I’m the voice in your head that won’t go away. I’m the one who produces that anxious feeling that you will somehow forget her and move on. I need you to know that I am here for a reason and that is to ensure that this pain is dealt with for however long it takes. To be honest I am going to be here with you till the end of your life. So, you need to know that I am going to have to be dealt with. Josie is gone and she’s not coming back but know that she too, grieved, before she left. She’s probably still grieving now.
I’m that faceless presence you’ve had since October 2020. Remember how we used to talk about the time when she was gone. Remember how you tried to push me away? Remember how you used to think you knew how this would feel? Well, of course, you were totally unprepared for the pain that was going to come from the loss. I’m here to help even though at the moment you feel like you never want to hear from me again. I’m sorry but I am the price that you pay for loving her. You did love her didn’t you? You just didn’t know how much until it was all over. How could you really understand the price you were going to pay for such love?
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