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Loss of my mum

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Home Forums Loss of a loved one Loss of my mum

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  • #26420
    shaz
    Participant

    Hi everyone,
    At first I had some issues logging in and being able to send a post but thanks to the admins that was sorted.
    I lost my mum a year ago on the 17th of August.
    She had kidney failure and was on dialysis, it was the specialist’s recommendation that she give up treatment, mum was suffering a lot so she gave up treatment.
    I am one of 4 siblings but I was the only one that would help mum.
    I did the whole funeral by myself including the slideshow and the only one to give a speech.
    At the time I found strength I didn’t know I had it’s weird when I look back on it, organising Palitive care, meetings and the rest of it and telling my mum I support what ever she decides and told her not to worry about me as I’ll be ok.
    I don’t know where I found the strength I think I went into auto pilot, I don’t know how I told my mum I’d be ok and how I did it because now I feel like I have no strength at all.
    I stuffer from panic attacks and even my son wondered how I would do the speech at the funeral, it is amazing what we can do, I did it all for mum.
    I think for me the loss took a while to sink in, also doing all that needed to be done after the funeral.
    My mum was my biggest support system, I told her everything in my life.
    There is now a huge gap in my life,
    I don’t have any support at all with this or anything else.
    I do see a psychologist but it’s not really helping.
    I’ve tried to reach out to different people but it seems like since mum passed away no one wants to know me.
    My brother turned on me after the funeral it’s a long story but mum was always lending him money even 4 months before she passed away he got money off her. Mum decided she had lent him enough so she left him personal items but no money.
    He went off at me so badly.
    Mum wasn’t rich she was a pensioner with a small amount of savings and a funeral fund.
    One of my sisters stopped speaking to me, another long story.
    So here I am I went though the worst year of my life alone.
    For some reason I thought once it’s been a year I’ll feel better, I don’t know why I felt that,
    it’s not like the turning of a calendar date will make a difference but anyway year two feels worse.
    I’ve had a lot going on personally as well which has made it so much harder. People, family no less causing me more problems I just feel why would anyone want to make you feel worse while grieving, this too is a long story.
    In the whole time my mums been gone I’ve had no one who knew her just to sit with me and talk or let me cry to them, it’s been very lonely and isolating.
    I’ve been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder due to my mums passing but mainly because I feel I had a hand in ending her life with supporting her giving up treatment and the meetings and just everything.
    I also have depression but that’s something I’ve struggled with in the past as well.
    Mum only lasted 8 months and once she gave up treatment she was in palliative she only lasted 3 days.
    I ended up with covid so I couldn’t be by her side but I got the nurses to do video chats although mum couldn’t really even speak on her second day of giving up treatment I was able to talk to her.
    Leading up to all this me and mum talked about everything, she wanted to go she was suffering.
    I am greatly for the conversations that we had.
    I also knew mum wouldn’t make it to her 80th birthday so I brought it forward invited family and we celebrated with my mum, she was gone 4 days later.
    Her 81st birthday is tomorrow the 12th of September.
    I’m just not really sure how to get through any of this without my mum
    As I said I have so much more going on and no supports and my best friend my biggest support system is now gone 🙁
    Thanks for listening

Viewing 4 replies - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
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  • #26436
    VMPatch
    Participant

    Hello @shaz
    I am responding to you on the 12th Sept which is the anniversary of your mum’s death and given how significant she was in your life it is no surprise that you are still grieving this profound loss. Reading your post I can hear how much she meant to you and how much you loved and supported her. The strength that you found during that final journey with her is still within you even though you are feeling depleted and alone. You may like to read one of our fact sheets called “In search of Lost Strengths” – see the link below

    Grief Recovery Part 1: In Search of Lost Strengths


    Sometimes it can help if we find ways to connect with our lost loved one – have you found any ways to do this?
    As well as writing in this forum you can also connect with others experiencing grief through our on line support groups or by ringing the Griefline helpline on 1300 845 745 ( 8am to 8m Mon to Fri) or you can book a call through our website.
    Please keep reaching out for the support you need as you navigate this hard journey of grieving your mum.

    #26437
    shaz
    Participant

    Hi
    Thanks for your response and the link I will check it out.
    It’s actually my mums Birthday today 12th Sept not the anniversary of her passing, that was on the 17th of August which I mentioned in my post.
    I’m not sure how to reply to you so you know who I’m replying to but as there is only one reply I’m sure you will know.
    All the anniversaries and Birthdays ect of both my parents are all close together which makes it hard
    My dad passed away 11 years ago and although it was sad and difficult I am finding the loss of my mum literally heart breaking, I feel totally lost.
    Dad passed in July the same month as my nan his mum, then mum in August then a week later my dads birthday, mums funeral was on my dads birthday.
    Then Father’s Day and then my mums Birthday all these within 2 months.
    I do try to find the positive in that which is it all happens close together and nothing else for the rest of the year except Christmas.
    I’ll also check out the online groups are they like zoom groups? As it would be good to connect with others, where would I find these groups on this site?
    Thanks

    #26427
    vmpercy
    Participant

    Hey Shaz,

    I can’t even begin to imagine how difficult this year’s been for you. Your post really drove home the depth of your grief, and I just want you to know that what you’re going through matters. Your strength in caring for your mum, from medical decisions to organising the funeral, is incredible. You were resilient even when it felt like you were on auto-pilot. I’m so sorry to hear about the strain within your family and the loneliness you’re enduring. it’s a painful thing to go through, especially during an already emotionally draining time.

    I see if feels like professional help hasn’t felt helpful so far. Sometimes the therapeutic process can be slow, but you’re not alone. This forum is a great place to find a community that understands your grief. And remember, just as you supported your mum, it’s okay to seek support for yourself. We’re here for you, so please lean on us as you navigate your journey, and feel free to call the helpline if you’d like to talk to someone on the phone about your experience. I’ve attached links to resources you might find helpful:

    Free telephone support

    Coping with the Loss of a Loved One

    #26473
    aaron
    Participant

    Good mums are special and should be celebrated so much more by people.
    Losing my mum has likewise left a great hole in my life. She was my confidant and support too.
    I want you to know that you did not kill her and you are not responsible.
    I hope you can find solace for your aching heart.
    And you are blessed to have been able to celebrate her birthday with her one last time.

Viewing 4 replies - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
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