Loss of my mum

[shaz]

Hi everyone,
At first I had some issues logging in and being able to send a post but thanks to the admins that was sorted.
I lost my mum a year ago on the 17th of August.
She had kidney failure and was on dialysis, it was the specialist’s recommendation that she give up treatment, mum was suffering a lot so she gave up treatment.
I am one of 4 siblings but I was the only one that would help mum.
I did the whole funeral by myself including the slideshow and the only one to give a speech.
At the time I found strength I didn’t know I had it’s weird when I look back on it, organising Palitive care, meetings and the rest of it and telling my mum I support what ever she decides and told her not to worry about me as I’ll be ok.
I don’t know where I found the strength I think I went into auto pilot, I don’t know how I told my mum I’d be ok and how I did it because now I feel like I have no strength at all.
I stuffer from panic attacks and even my son wondered how I would do the speech at the funeral, it is amazing what we can do, I did it all for mum.
I think for me the loss took a while to sink in, also doing all that needed to be done after the funeral.
My mum was my biggest support system, I told her everything in my life.
There is now a huge gap in my life,
I don’t have any support at all with this or anything else.
I do see a psychologist but it’s not really helping.
I’ve tried to reach out to different people but it seems like since mum passed away no one wants to know me.
My brother turned on me after the funeral it’s a long story but mum was always lending him money even 4 months before she passed away he got money off her. Mum decided she had lent him enough so she left him personal items but no money.
He went off at me so badly.
Mum wasn’t rich she was a pensioner with a small amount of savings and a funeral fund.
One of my sisters stopped speaking to me, another long story.
So here I am I went though the worst year of my life alone.
For some reason I thought once it’s been a year I’ll feel better, I don’t know why I felt that,
it’s not like the turning of a calendar date will make a difference but anyway year two feels worse.
I’ve had a lot going on personally as well which has made it so much harder. People, family no less causing me more problems I just feel why would anyone want to make you feel worse while grieving, this too is a long story.
In the whole time my mums been gone I’ve had no one who knew her just to sit with me and talk or let me cry to them, it’s been very lonely and isolating.
I’ve been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder due to my mums passing but mainly because I feel I had a hand in ending her life with supporting her giving up treatment and the meetings and just everything.
I also have depression but that’s something I’ve struggled with in the past as well.
Mum only lasted 8 months and once she gave up treatment she was in palliative she only lasted 3 days.
I ended up with covid so I couldn’t be by her side but I got the nurses to do video chats although mum couldn’t really even speak on her second day of giving up treatment I was able to talk to her.
Leading up to all this me and mum talked about everything, she wanted to go she was suffering.
I am greatly for the conversations that we had.
I also knew mum wouldn’t make it to her 80th birthday so I brought it forward invited family and we celebrated with my mum, she was gone 4 days later.
Her 81st birthday is tomorrow the 12th of September.
I’m just not really sure how to get through any of this without my mum
As I said I have so much more going on and no supports and my best friend my biggest support system is now gone 🙁
Thanks for listening

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