@swolrath
I am deeply saddened to hear about what you have gone through. It is not something any parent should have to experience. But I also want to tell you that you did everything right and none of this is your fault. I know, right now, that that is cold comfort. But I’d like for you to hold it close. You did everything right.
I don’t want to pile too much information on you all at once. So I’m going to leave you a few links to read, when you are ready and able to. Please do not feel like you need to read these all at once. Do what you can and if you are overwhelmed it is okay to stop and do something else.
This page will help you understand what you are experiencing right now and I recommend it as a good next step.
This page is about dealing with the loss of a loved one and speaks to some of what you have described in your post.
This page explains the types of grief one may experience and may give you insight into what you are going through right now.
Griefline also runs a helpline that is available between 8 AM and 8 PM Australian Eastern Standard Time. If you feel like talking to someone, one of our volunteers will be available to listen. You can call the helpline at 1300 845 745. But it can be very hard to make these sorts of calls and here at Griefline we understand. For that reason we also have a call back service. If you scroll to the top of the website, the call back service is available in the right hand corner. One of our volunteers will then call you at a time of your choosing.
Please, be kind to yourself. You did everything that it was within your power to do.
Edited to Add: Another service that I think you might find helpful is The Compassionate Friends Victoria, they offer peer support for parents who have lost children. It may help you to talk to someone who has gone through what you are going through at this time.
