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Loss my Grandma 5 years ago, still doesnt feel right

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Home Forums Loss of a loved one Loss my Grandma 5 years ago, still doesnt feel right

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  • #15507

    On 9 Apr 2017, when I was in uni studying for my exam, I was informed by my mother that my grandma is admitted to the hospital due to pneumonia. I couldn’t focus in uni, asked for an exemption, and flew back to my home country in 2 days.

    On the 11th, the evening I landed I went straight to the hospital, I went there as much as allowed every day, which was 2 hours in the morning and evening. I cannot recall what I was doing when I was at her bedside, I just remember the picture of her with drains and drips. Sometimes conscious, most of the time sleeping/short of breath/exhausted.

    I remember feeling frustrated about her not getting well, and at that time I put it on lack of attention from the medical staff, like most hospitals, staffs are pushed to their limits to provide care to too many patients. I put her poor condition as a lack of proper medication/antibiotic for her pneumonia. I kept thinking once they get the right medication she will soon get better.

    She passed away on the 20th.

    I remember the moment when the nurse was certifying her. I couldn’t stand staying away from her, hoping she would take a breath again, staring at her chest looking for a movement.

    Time of death 08:58, 20 April 2017.

    I couldn’t control myself. I cried out loud.
    My mum hushed me to keep it low, as it can be very distressing to other patients and families in the same ward.

    I requested for a copy of her medical record, thinking I will find out the reason why she passed away. Then I flew back to take my exams.
    I didn’t stay for the funeral, as I believed once someone has passed, what happens after won’t affect them, so I didn’t think there was any benefit for my grandma in having funerals and other formalities.

    That’s it. I don’t remember anything afterward apart from feeling angry. I got on with life.

    5 years later
    As I continue to study in uni, as a physio student, I start to understand more of the scribbles of her medical record. Eventually, I came to terms that the medical team did as much as they can for her.

    Now I don’t have anyone to blame. I cant find a reason for her passing away so suddenly

    That’s it. Now I’m here. Still feel like a big chunk of me was taken away, there’s something missing, something still not sitting right. Unable to process what had happen 5 years ago.

    I was expecting I would slowly feel better over time. But I still miss her so much. I have both the loving memory of her and the last 9 days that I got to be there for her.

    I can’t tell what I want/need to get out of this.

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  • #15508
    GL friend

    Hi @Rubiiiyl
    Im sorry to hear about your grandma’s passing. It sounds like you didnt get the closure you needed. Even though youve finally interpreted those scribbles on her medical record, its like its not enough.

    I relate to that feeling of not getting closure. My mum passed several years ago but i have no idea why. She was young, strong, but she had a fever which wouldn’t go away and two weeks after being admitted to the hospital, she was gone. As the years pass, i sometimes wonder if my recollection is still as accurate.

    I have saught therapy and learnt soooo much about grief and trauma but this feeling of loss never goes away. She is gone. Thats the ultimate truth.

    Sigh. Idk if this helps you, but know that you are not alone and Im sorry that you experienced this pain. I wish non of us did. If it helps to share more about your grandma and your thoughts and feelings, please feel free to. Sending you courage.

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