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On 9 Apr 2017, when I was in uni studying for my exam, I was informed by my mother that my grandma is admitted to the hospital due to pneumonia. I couldn’t focus in uni, asked for an exemption, and flew back to my home country in 2 days.
On the 11th, the evening I landed I went straight to the hospital, I went there as much as allowed every day, which was 2 hours in the morning and evening. I cannot recall what I was doing when I was at her bedside, I just remember the picture of her with drains and drips. Sometimes conscious, most of the time sleeping/short of breath/exhausted.
I remember feeling frustrated about her not getting well, and at that time I put it on lack of attention from the medical staff, like most hospitals, staffs are pushed to their limits to provide care to too many patients. I put her poor condition as a lack of proper medication/antibiotic for her pneumonia. I kept thinking once they get the right medication she will soon get better.
She passed away on the 20th.
I remember the moment when the nurse was certifying her. I couldn’t stand staying away from her, hoping she would take a breath again, staring at her chest looking for a movement.
Time of death 08:58, 20 April 2017.
I couldn’t control myself. I cried out loud.
My mum hushed me to keep it low, as it can be very distressing to other patients and families in the same ward.
I requested for a copy of her medical record, thinking I will find out the reason why she passed away. Then I flew back to take my exams.
I didn’t stay for the funeral, as I believed once someone has passed, what happens after won’t affect them, so I didn’t think there was any benefit for my grandma in having funerals and other formalities.
That’s it. I don’t remember anything afterward apart from feeling angry. I got on with life.
5 years later
As I continue to study in uni, as a physio student, I start to understand more of the scribbles of her medical record. Eventually, I came to terms that the medical team did as much as they can for her.
Now I don’t have anyone to blame. I cant find a reason for her passing away so suddenly
That’s it. Now I’m here. Still feel like a big chunk of me was taken away, there’s something missing, something still not sitting right. Unable to process what had happen 5 years ago.
I was expecting I would slowly feel better over time. But I still miss her so much. I have both the loving memory of her and the last 9 days that I got to be there for her.
I can’t tell what I want/need to get out of this.
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