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Ever since the test was positive I felt conflicted. I was in shock. Conflicted between what I knew I had to do and what I was dreaming could be. I felt as if I was swirling in and out of reality, of my happy little dream of a mom-to-be, feeling like it was all a dream, and the reality of not being able to keep what was growing inside me. The night before I guess I went into shock, I felt numb, no thoughts, no feelings. My partner came with me to the day surgery but was not allowed to follow me further than to the waiting room, this broke me, I needed him. I acted tough and followed the procedures but when I waited to get changed I broke down, everything felt wrong, I thought what am I doing, why am I doing this, I don’t want to do this, I want my baby. I was still on gas when I woke up and didn’t feel real. When I started recovering I felt nothing, I couldn’t believe what I had just done. The first week I felt empty, something was missing. I put on a brave face, rocked up to university classes and interacted with people if I had to, otherwise I didn’t want to do anything, see anyone or talk to anyone. I wanted nothing. The next week was better, I was out and doing things and tried to smile, but I would break down from every little thing, no matter how small it would tear me apart and have me bawling my eyes out and feeling useless. The third week was better, I had subconsciously tried to suppress and forget. Only when it got mentioned I remembered and broke down. Almost 2 weeks ago I started seeing a counselor at my university, on my most recent visit 3 days ago I brought up the pregnancy. We talked and she made me realize that I’m not going crazy, I am in fact grieving. I still can’t believe how it is possible to grieve someone you haven’t met, someone you only knew as something, no older than 7 weeks and 1 day. It makes sense in a way, I felt all the emotional and physical changes, my body felt different, my food cravings were different, I had morning sickness every single morning for those 7 weeks, my mind and body was preparing to become a mother, to me that was a connection. And so I am grieving my unborn child.
I feel it is important to say that my partner has been with me the entire time, he is the kindest, most respectful, and whole-hearted man I have ever met and I love him deeply. We are young, international students, we are in no position to bring forward a child, we both know and agree on that, which led to us making what we considered the best decision. What brings me light is remembering him looking at me on the day of the positive test and say “This is not a bad thing, this is a beautiful thing. If this was a few years from now I would have loved to have your child.” We had only been together for a bit over 3 months when we found out I was pregnant, but he didn’t run away, he has stayed by my side every second of every day, to love me and to hold my hand.
I am aware of the decision we made, and I hold no regrets. I know we are in no position to have a child and give it what it needs, but oh, how much I wanted to become a mother.
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