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Losing my mum and not feeling supported by partner

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Home Forums Loss of a loved one Losing my mum and not feeling supported by partner

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  • #22815
    artemis
    Participant

    Hi there,
    5 years ago I lost my mum. Very suddenly. She died in her sleep. Months later my grandma died. These women raised me. They were my family. All I knew for 21 years. My life changed and I now live with anxiety. I have a son who is 7. When my mum died I became afraid that he would too. I would have outbursts of grief and anger and my partner didn’t know how to handle me. He suggested I speak to someone. I saw a psychologist for a year and felt optimistic while still anxious but it felt manageable. Over the past few years I have felt as though I’ve relapsed. A while ago my partner and I had an argument and he told me he has no empathy or sympathy and what I’m looking for from him, I will not find. I felt alone, betrayed and sad. When I mention my worries or how I’m feeling he just checks out. Just gives an obligatory “ahuh” or “yeah” while not even looking at me. I’m just unsure where I go from here. I mean, we just don’t seem to mesh anymore. He suggested I go and see someone again and I’ve made an appointment but I’ve asked him to find ways to help me and he said his way of helping is suggesting I see someone because he can’t give me what I need. As a very sympathetic, emotional person I find it hard to comprehend. He says he was brought up to be like that. I asked his mum, who I’m very close to, and she confirmed that’s how she brought him up because she was brought up like that. I’ve reminded him that grief is different for everyone and I will never be over the loss of my mum and nan and he told me he thought I would be by now. I just don’t know what my next step should be. I feel like I’m doing everything I can to deal with the grief but need support from my partner of 12 years too.

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  • #22930
    VMLyncha
    Participant

    Hello @artemis

    It seems like your grief is having a big impact on you and your relationship with your partner. From what you have said it may be that your partner does not know how to support you rather than not wanting to support you.
    I wonder if your partner would be willing to go with you to see a relationship counsellor? At this stage he may be seeing the problem as only yours, so it would be important to frame the idea of counselling in a way that encourages him to want to be part of it. Maybe saying that you are concerned that the grief/feelings you have are also impacting on him and you want to talk with someone who can help you both.
    If he is not willing to see a counsellor together than re-engaging yourself with a counselor again may be helpful.

    #22931
    mikey2022
    Participant

    Hello, i read your forum and can understand totally, your partner (should) be more supportive, as like you said “everybody experiences grief differently” I have found this to be so true, In mid 2020 my mother aged 70 lost her 2 year battle with cancer.
    This caused me to have a small breakdown and i still have not stopped grieving, Grief takes as long as it takes , there no simple fix as my doctor told me today. I also am stuck in shock and disbelief that my father has passed away too, i am not dealing well with that due to i was the last person to see him the day before i went to hospital for surgery, only to come home the next day and find my father had died in his spot. I feel like that broke me, i cryed my soul out the night i found him, but i have not been able to get in touch with my emotions and have not cried since that day, i really do feel that this broke me, i still can feel the adrenalin of shock still, even whilst typing this.
    I did not intend on typing all that in my reply to you, i merely wanted to reply and let you know that someone understands, and even though different circumstances, the surrealness and acceptance is a very difficult thing to deal with, in my opinion, you are doing the right thing to reach out to somebody in the online forums community, i have only just joined as i need to talk with people whom understand the feelings & understand how terrible and horrible all the mixed emotions and upset feelings truly are.
    i will be utilising this forum with my own post detaling the sudden death of my father , it was only 7 weeks ago, i really still feel like i’m in shock.
    I have a few questions, 1. does the grief cause you nausea or lack of appetite and 2. mixed emotions and feelings ?
    Because i believev that everything we go through in the healing process is very important as we are the ones left behind on earth , and we shouldn’t be so upset about the loss of loved ones, we should retrain our thoughts to celebrate their lives.
    I hope this short message (well it’s short to me) lets you know that someone understands what you are going through. Mike

    #22956
    vmsunflower2
    Participant

    Hi @mikey2022

    I am so sorry to hear what happened to your mum and dad. Your losses are very recent and traumatic and that must be really hard to deal with! What you are going through is completely normal, there are so many stages to grief, denial, anger etc… This is how we process change, and from my personal experience with loss, I have also found it impacts my body and over all health. I have also experienced nausea, lack of appetite, a constant knot in my stomach, lack of sleep, worrying, overthinking etc…I think all the shock and adrenaline and sadness throws our bodies out of balance for a while, and just like you I wish it was easier to only celebrate the good and feel ok. Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience, it really does help me and others to not feel so alone when experiencing times like this. Please keep reaching out and stay strong.

    Here are some resources I have found quite helpful.

    https://www.goodmourning.com.au – this is a grief podcast.

    Some clips from this podcast can be found on the Griefline website.

    Support groups also can also be found on the Griefline website.

    I look forward to your next post.

    Sunflower

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