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In 2017, the first guy I ever dated committed suicide after nearly 3 months together. We were both 15. Only really knowing him for 3 months doesn’t sound like a lot, but I got lucky. He seemed like the happiest person in the world, and he definitely made things better for everyone around him. Our families are both so alike, but we only realised that after we lost him. It’s been 4 years, I’m now 19, and I still don’t understand what’s going on with me. Not long after we lost him, I fell in love with his cousin/best friend, I think it was because he was one of the next closest things that resembled him, but it nearly killed me. I was in love with his cousin for about 2 years, on and off sometimes, but it was so strong I didn’t feel like it was worth being alive if I didn’t see him. Finally towards the end of 2019, I was able to move past it. I’ve had 2 boyfriends since and I felt like I dealt with that normally, but neither of them compared to my first. I felt like I didn’t really have repercussions until this year, where my anxiety sky-rocketed as a “supposed” physical reaction to the grief years later. I have feelings for his older brother now sometimes, but maybe that’s because of the isolation of COVID19 and not meeting anyone new. I feel more isolated because I just moved to university and can’t really make friends due to lockdown. Recently it’s been hurting more than it has in a while. I miss him in a different way than I did before. I know that very very few will understand or have much advice, because what can possibly be said or done? But I needed to put this out there, and if you took the time to read this, thank you.
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