Letters to My Mum

[wildrose]

I don’t what to write, writing it down (or typing) means admitting it, admitting that she’s gone and I don’t know if I will ever be ready to admit that…

In November 2023, I lost my Mum, my best friend and the person who was always there for me. She was diagnosed in late September with having Bowel and Ovarian Cancer. November 17 she was gone, it was sudden, I wasn’t ready, honestly I don’t I was ever be ready for a loss like her. She was only 65…

I have struggled with Mental Health issues for my entire adult life, I was probably mid teens when they started, at the beginning, she didn’t understand, it was only the 90s, mental health had a different stigma back then. But over the years as more awareness and understanding came about, she understood more and over the years, she became my biggest supporter and I knew I could always go to her when I was at rock bottom.

That night in November, I still remember it clearly at 9pm I received a call from a number I didn’t recognise, I answered because I had a gut feeling it was important, it was my Dad (well step-dad, my biological father passed almost 9 years ago now, but my step dad, I have always considered to my Dad, so that’s how he will be referred to), I knew instantly from the sound of voice that something was wrong, terribly wrong and he choked out the words that Mum had passed in hospital. I instantly went to tears, just kept repeating no, no, no, please no. My partner took the phone because I was unable to speak.

I made the 2 hour trip to the hospital and see my Mum for the last time, that vision is etched permanently in my brain, and it haunts me to this day. I don’t think I will ever get over seeing my Mum laying there… gone…

I only spoke to her a week before and she said she was going well, chemo was going well and she told me that she wasn’t going anywhere for a while yet, but unfortunately her heart gave out on her due the chemo.

Some days, I feel beyond broken, I am taking her loss hard, but every day I get up, I function, I go to work and do what I have to, but deep down she’s always on my mind and she’s usually the first person I think of when I wake and the last I think about as I go to sleep.

I do have a partner, he’s supportive, really supportive and hold me through the random attacks of tears, but it’s not easy. My Mum was always the first person I ran to when things were hard and I don’t have that anymore. I miss her more than anything. She shaped me into who I am today, if it weren’t for her I wouldn’t be the person I am now, strong and resilient, I have her to thank for that.

Now I have to be strong for my Dad, I always promised her if anything ever happened to her I’d make sure he was okay. So I’m strong for him and I divide my time where I can between the city which is home and the country 4 hours away, just to make sure he’s okay. It’s hard. I just want my life back to how it was, weekly calls from my Mum and being able to talk to her, but it will never be that way again and I don’t know what to do.

Thanks for reading…

Just to note… If it’s okay, I will likely continue with this thread and further posts will likely be in the format of letters to my Mum, hope that’s not too weird…

• This topic was modified 2 weeks ago by wildrose.

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[VM-Loki23]

Dear @wildrose

Your letter to your mum is filled with the love you had and will continue to have for her. She sounds like a warm loving personality who was your rock. I am deeply saddened that her passing away was so sudden it continues to shock you. That is a very natural grief response.

I also notice you have the support of a good partner who is not afraid to see tears in your eyes. And you are a good daughter to be caring for your father whom you also love very much.

Grief makes us vulnerable and we wish for all the things we couldn’t do. Having lost my mother several years ago, without notice, I too am reminded of my journey of shock and grief as I read your letter. And also the longing to hear her voice through our weekly calls.

You are resilient in that you are functioning as best you can and you have a big heart to care for your dad. Your mother lives on in you when you remember her first thing in the morning and the last thing before sleeping.

In time you will find a good way to hold your grief, there is no need to rush the process. Keep writing these letters as they are warm and authentic and speak about your grief process.

You can also reach out to Griefline telephone helpline on 1300 845 745 to talk about your grief. We are here to listen.

I would also like to invite you to look at Griefline’s resource page, in particular the article Grief Recovery Part 1: In Search of Lost Strengths. You can find it on https://griefline.org.au/resources/grief-recovery-part-one/

I look forward to reading further letters to your mum.

Be gentle with your heart!

[VM-Lottie24]

Hello wildrose, So sorry to read about the loss of your Mum, who you clearly loved very much, and was such a positive influence in your life. It’s so understandable that you are feeling her absence in your normal everyday rountines – you shared so much, and will have both got pleasure from your close relationship. The commitment and care you are showing to your Dad – who also must be grieving – demonstrates how much compassion you have for others. Therefore it’s good to know you have a partner who is there for you and doing his utmost to be supportive. The finality of bereavement is so hard – and it’s true some days will be harder to navigate than others – so be kind to yourself when you feel that pushing forward is just too much. You may already have some routines which you find calming and restorative – and perhaps you just need to give yourself permission to take care of you too.
I’ve copied a link below to an article you may find helpful.

A gentle guide to self-care after loss: The E.A.S.T. approach

Writing letters to your Mum on this forum is a lovely idea – and hopefully reading them back to yourself will help as you explore your thoughts and feelings.
Best wishes

[wildrose]

Hi Loki, Hi Lottie.

Thank you both so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it.

[Author]

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