It is hard to come home.

[abc01]

Dear all,
After the circumstances surrounding my cats death nearly 6 months ago, I have been diagnosed with anxiety,depression and ptsd.
I am feeling my emotions so strongly and intensely right now.
I was in my car today after going shopping and just sitting there saying “I don’t want to go home.”
It is so hard to walk through the door and not see him. Or have him jump into one of my empty shopping bags and stare up at me.
It is so hard to be in our house, in our room and do my daily routine and he isn’t there.
I am getting mental health help,but there can be weeks between appointments and I am on my own in between.
I have tried writing a letter to him, I am trying to remember “It wasn’t my fault”, I am trying to make enduring connections with him. I just feel so cold and lonely,in a house full of people.
New budgies were bought and I really don’t like them. They weren’t bought for me, but they are in the middle of the house. There bells on their toys make me think it is my cat.
I did read the answer to my last post and do acknowledge the options suggested to me,but even those places make me feel “fight or flight” responses. I don’t want to avoid anything that will prolong my grief,but I am so sad and don’t know what to do.
I want to cry and scream.
It is so unfair! Why did it have to be him? He never did anything wrong! He was so pure and innocent!
I have tears streaming down my cheeks as I write this in my room. I have already had a conversation with someone in my house,just this week, where they told me that my grief wasn’t working on their timeline. I was taking too long to get over it. So I feel isolated from feeling my feelings freely. And I don’t want to overload the one person who I can still talk too.
I guess I just need to get that out.
Thank you for listening.
ABC01

Topic

[VM-Jerry1]

Dear abc01,

Thank you for reaching out, it really sounds as though you are feeling such strong emotions after the loss of your beloved cat.
I am so glad that you are looking after your mental health by seeking help.
It really can feel like a long time between appointments when your emotions are so strong, so reaching out via this help forum is a great idea and way to express your emotions in between those appointments.
Everyone grieves differently and in their own time, so please know that although this is taking time, you are seeking the right support as you go through this process.
It sounds as though writing down your feelings of sadness and grief might help. Do you have a journal that you could write in to dedicate to your cat? You might even want to add some photos.
Another thing that might help is some mindfulness and breathing exercises. Perhaps this link on our webpage might be of some help https://griefline.org.au/resources/mindfulness-for-grief/

Please take care of yourself and don’t hesitate to reach out when you need to express your grief.

Thank you for reaching out on our forum and just a reminder that the Griefline number is 1300 845 745 if you need to talk.

[VM_Sunshine]

I can feel just how much love you have for your cat and how deeply his absence is affecting your daily life. That sense of emptiness, of looking for him in the quiet spaces he used to fill, is so real—and it’s completely okay to feel this way.

One thing that might help during these overwhelming moments is to try grounding techniques. For example, take a moment to notice something around you that brings you a small sense of calm or peace, even if it’s something as simple as a favourite cosy item, a smell you love, or a warm drink. These little acts can sometimes offer a few moments of comfort when the emotions feel all-consuming.

You’re doing powerful work by writing to him and allowing yourself to feel these emotions, even when they’re difficult. Another technique that some people find helpful is setting aside a few minutes each day just to be with their grief. This intentional time can create a safe container for those intense feelings, giving you a little more space to breathe in other moments.

Please know that grief has no timeline, and everyone experiences it differently. Your feelings are part of a very natural process. Take things one step at a time, and reach out whenever you need to. We’re here, and you don’t have to go through this alone.

[abc01]

Dear VM-Jerry1 & VM-Sunshine,

Thank you for your responses on a particularly hard day. I had a flashback late last night and have had a terrible day today,sleeping the day away as it was too distressing to be awake. The sadness is very confronting.

First off,thank you for validating my grief. I have people actively avoiding eye contact with me and scurrying away when they see me. It is dejecting and isn’t helping me embrace my grief in positive ways. I know it is up to me, but I need comfort from other people and just get “You need” or “You have to”. Not listening and acknowledging me.

I have 4 different journals. One to just write down all the hard thoughts about grief I am having to get them straight out of my head. One to write the memories that are making me sad in that day about him,hoping that one day I will look at them and find comfort and joy,even pride, instead of sadness in them. One to evaluate how I am actually travelling.With spaces to write what went well that day,what i am proud of that day and what I found difficult on that day. And one to write about what I am actually experiencing and how it is impacting me and I show that one to my professionals. So I have journaling covered.

Grounding and mindfulness is hard for me. But it isn’t an automatic response yet. So I can still try. I am with my grief all the time. That is the problem. Or perhaps I am confusing grief with depression. I am trying to accept the moments of feeling okay and not feel guilty for it. That is a good start. I also have set my watch to do mindfulness breathing 3 times a day. I do feel better after breathing.

This grief is far more complicated than when my last cat passed away. But their circumstances are very different.My last cat, He passed away from heart failure at 14.5 years, having had a heart murmur from a kitten. I understood his death. This cat,my beloved boy, was killed and it is senseless and cruel. And I have never had this experience with any of the other 9 fur babies I have had in my family since childhood. So I have no direction and am affected,as I feel I should have been able to protect him. I feel so naive.But that day was just another regular day for us. Nothing out of the ordinary sparked any sense of danger that day. He was meant to be happy and come inside after being in his backyard. But he never came back inside alive. And I have no idea what to do with that.

Thank you for listening and replying to my post. It has given me some comfort. And knowing this forum is here in between my appointments or anytime I need it, is a massive help. To just get my grief out into the world makes me feel less isolated in my small room. To have others acknowledge my feelings makes me feel as if my beloved boy is respected and not forgotten. And they are massive points for myself and my grief too.

Gratefully,
ABC01

[VM_ally12]

Dear ABC01
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings about your precious cat. I can hear in your words how much you miss him.

The circumstances of a loved cat’s death can, at times, affect how you grieve. When we understand the circumstances that have resulted in the loss of a loved cat, it can sometimes help us cope and may ease our grief a little. It seems you have experienced this with your last cat, who passed away from heart failure at 14.5 years old.

The senseless and cruel killing of your cat would be shocking, and it sounds like it is hard to process this and come to terms with it. It is natural to feel guilty when you have moments of feeling okay. Don’t be down on yourself when this happens. It’s a normal part of the grieving process, and being okay can give some relief after feeling overwhelmed with grief, so accepting it is a good thing.

Writing in journals and processing your feelings is a great strategy, and I hope you will be able to look at them one day with pride and joy as you read over the memories and also receive some comfort as you write them. Do what works for you, and if mindfulness breathing gives you some relief, that’s great!

Remember, we are here for you whenever you need to talk, so don’t forget to call the Griefline if you’d like to chat.

Take care & be kind to yourself.

[abc01]

Thank you VM_ally12,

I am trying. And that is all I can do.
I can’t accept the circumstances of his death,because it shouldn’t have happened. No matter what I say or do. Scream, throw things at a wall, beg a higher being or barter with my own life. Nothing will bring him back. That I know and understand.

But the negligence and then the injustice that wasn’t my fault or in my control is a huge slap in the face daily. The fact his life was taken from him,hits hard.And I don’t know how other people have dealt with this and then moved forward. We didn’t do anything wrong,but we are the ones who suffer from the consequences. The other people involved just walk away and probably haven’t thought of him since. I can take pride in the life I lived with him on a daily basis,but that was robbed from us,and I am left to pick up the pieces and I don’t know how. So when I miss him, I also feel guilt. Guilt I didn’t know and stop it from happening. I am not to blame, but I feel I let him down that day. He came before everything in my life,but he is gone now. And I feel like I don’t really have a life anymore. That is heavy and I am sorry.

Until I can figure out how to make sense of that day in my values,ethics and beliefs. I am a little stuck.
But people are offering suggestions and I am grateful for that. And to be heard. So thank you.
I have the hotline number.
ABC01

[VM-Loki23]

Dear @ABC01

I hear your anguish, I hear the longing, and I hear your guilt. As others have mentioned, these are ‘normal’ experiences of grief. You have asked if others had a similar experience and what they did. I can share mine: I lost a very young bubbly and beautiful kitten more than three decades ago (Yes, I am that old!). He wanted to sleep with me, however, I had a cold so I left him outside my bedroom door. The next morning he was no where to be found. I would come home each day after school and spend hours looking for him hoping to see him curled up in a corner. It took me a really long time to get over my guilt and to find the courage to get another cat. He too loves to jump into the empty grocery bag and look at me with adoring eyes! Now, when I see him do this, I will remember your beautiful cat. Does it have a name? So, in short, it takes time and time is different for each person. In time you too will find your own way of holding your grief in a good way.

It sounds like you are supported by a caring mental health practitioner and by this forum. It also sounds like writing is your way of processing your grief so please continue to use this forum. We would love to hear stories of your beloved cat.

I would like to end this post by inviting you to take a look at one of our articles on self care at this link:

A gentle guide to self-care after loss: The E.A.S.T. approach

We look forward to supporting you on this forum and on the helpline.

Walk gently.

[abc01]

Thank you VM-Loki23,

I am sorry to hear how you lost your loved cat. I just can’t see myself being able to get another cat anytime soon.
His name is Major. He was a grey Chartreux mix cat. I have only ever rescued animals in my life,mostly from people I know around me and for the first time, I got to choose my animal and I chose him. From the moment I opened the carrier at home,he and I were soulmates. We both imprinted pretty hard. I chose a kitten because I had just lost an elderly cat and didn’t want the pain of grief again,for a very long time. 15 years at least. But I only got 3.5 years and am here in grief again. I would not take back a single second of that time,but I would give everything I have to have him back and live those stolen years together. The fact that I got to choose him is hard to feel too. I don’t know if I have the confidence or courage to be able to do this again.

Today,someone put on youtube for the budgies. They are a new addition to our household,and not mine or to my liking. They are someone else’s pets and I am jealous that they get to have there pets and I can’t have mine. But it reminded me of Major watching Cat Tv on youtube. He even had a favourite video of mice and knew the sound, when it played and would come running.
I have never had a cat who watched tv before. And he loved it. So I will hold that memory close to my heart today.

Thank you for your reply.
Everyone means alot when you are talking about the one you love.
ABC01

[sheila]

Hi there @ABC01,

Firstly, I’m sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing the same pain that I’m struggling with myself. It’s somewhat nice to know that I’m not alone in all this and it’s a natural process of losing my best friend of 15 years.

I too lost my cat Felix 3 weeks ago after a month long of very fast progressing gastrointestinal lymphoma. I still haven’t been able to come to terms with it all yet, including coming home and not having her greet me at the door like she always used to. Even though the grief began the day the vet told me the diagnosis, the grief only continues on and some days is worse than other days. I’m not really sure what to do with myself at the moment. I used to feel comfort coming home to her ashes and wearing a pendant with her ashes in it, believing and sensing that she’s still there in our home but as of yesterday i don’t feel her presence there anymore. I too feel like not wanting to come home after work because she’s not there to give me a cuddle.

I hope you too know that you are not alone in any of this, and that we are all here to support you in this very difficult grief process that might take a lot longer than I too expected.

Sending you whatever you need right now,
Sheila

• This reply was modified 4 weeks, 1 day ago by sheila.
• This reply was modified 4 weeks, 1 day ago by sheila.

[abc01]

Dear Shelia,

Thank you for your kindness and support in your reply.

I am so sorry about your beloved’s passing. It is so hard to lose them anyway that you do. It must have been hard to see your beloved cat being sick. Please know cats and dogs are notorious for hiding illnesses from humans and that it isn’t your fault for how Felix passed. You got them the best care when you knew.

I am here to support you too. Please do keep reaching out.

I think the only way to not feel like we do,is just push through it. It sounds so generic,but home is the place our cats loved the most. It is where they felt safest and where we were with them. They were waiting for us to get home. I don’t think they would want us to dislike or hate the place that is so filled with love. And if we stay still and quiet for a moment,we might just hear an echo of that. The love.

I have journaled down in just a small A5 notebook,any memories that are bringing back emotions and writing them down for that day,when they hit me. Even though they are provoking these intense feelings of sadness and being lost without them,perhaps one day that will be a book of proud moments I spent with them and to cherish them. And having written them down,means I can’t forget them and that they may start producing thoughts of love and smiles instead. You can give it a go and stop if you don’t like it.

4 weeks of illness and then 3 weeks of mourning isn’t a long time in the slightest. Please know your loss is so fresh and raw and that it is simply okay to feel anything and everything that you do. Because in the end,it is all coming from an intense and cherished love. As cat parents, to know that love and suddenly the reciprocation is cut off, is crushing. To have had that joy and unconditional love is a gift in this crappy world. But to say goodbye to one of the greatest loves of your life is simply heartbreaking. And takes alot of time.

I wonder if you have considered making a shadow box of your cats favourite things. At night I kiss my cats picture and say goodnight and let’s have a good nights sleep together. I talk to his picture too. Just to tell him I am sorry, I love him, I miss him. But I don’t regret a second together. I also tell him about my day and how I am feeling. Mostly I feel lost. Lost without him.

Perhaps when you can, you could print out your favourite photos of them and moments you had together. Not small 6×4, but bigger ones and put them, where they happened. They will be where you can see them. I have one of my cat in his cat tunnel with about 6 toys around it. That always makes me feel glad that he was happy and playful. It makes a connection to him. My mental health professional asked me to make a copy of a photo on my phone and then edit in a heart on the copy. It is now my lock screen and everytime I see it,the heart reminds me to love, not relive the horrible day he passed.

Don’t worry about what you should do with Felix’s things. You may have another cat in your house. I had to put Major’s things outside in the shed as it was too painful to see. He managed to get things in nearly every room of the house. But they are still in the shed. No one is to touch them,not until I have decided what to do with them. And pet grief sites, suggest not making decisions about that until 6-12 months have passed,as not to have any regrets. Slowly new things are going in the place of his things. I don’t like it, but I sit with the discomfort until it eases.

My sisters husband got a cushion with their cat printed on it for her to cuddle after her cat passed. It helped her.
Know everyday is different. You may sense her again today. Perhaps you might hear a bell, feel something on your leg when you are in bed or something shifts out the corner of your eye. Maybe she is visiting you in your dreams.

It is okay to be lost. I am. But it is also okay to be found again. In your own time. I spoke to another lady on a different forum and she lost her cat around the same time as mine. She now has a lovely new fur family member and I am happy for her. She felt lonely and that her house was empty and it was time to fill it again. So when she was ready she did.

I didn’t vacuum parts of my house for 6 months because I didn’t want to remove him. But even after the vacuum,his fur is still in the carpet,weaved into the curtains and hidden behind my furniture. He will remain.

I hope you can find comfort in my words. You are not alone either. Felix is lucky that you were their cat parent. Your post is evident with love for her. Your feelings of grief are valid too. Don’t allow anyone to tell you otherwise. And there certainly isn’t a timeframe or timeline either. I am having a much harder time than I ever had before. So you do you.

Sending you a great big hug,
ABC01

[abc01]

Dear Shelia,

Perhaps we could help each other remember why home is a special place for us and find them in it again.

Why don’t we tell each other some stories of our loved one in our houses.
I can start.

Boxes: Major loved boxes. Amazon or otherwise. Any deliveries, I would cut a half moon or semi-circle into the top of the side of a box. Major would take it from there. He would sit in the box and bite into it,ripping tiny pieces off it. Then he would spit it out on the floor and bite more pieces. We would keep the box until he had torn down all the sides and the bottom was just left. 4,5,6 times a day I would gather and collect the little bits of cardboard off the floor. He loved a good box. I believe it felt good on his teeth.

Pens: If I had a pen in my hand, he was always there trying to hit it as I wrote or bit the pen lid on the top of the pen. I would end up giving him his own pen to bat around. He loved if it got under the lazy susan. Another challange to the game. If it fell on to the floor,he would look at me as if to say “Well,get it and put it back on the table so I can knock it back off.”

The Fridge: Major always sat next to the fridge doors,loaf style. That meant one of his toys had gone under the fridge and he wanted me to get it out. I would lay down on the cold kitchen tile floor and look under the fridge. If I could see anything, I would get the special stick(Just a stick where the feather boa had fallen off it-a cat toy wand) and bat it out from under the fridge. He would look quite happy with himself. He even started tricking me into looking under the fridge when nothing was under it. He looked quite happy with himself then too.

The Kitty Litter: Everytime I changed the kitty litter,before I could even put the roof back on,he would be in there peeing again. I knew it was to reintroduce his smell into his territory. But before the roof was on everytime. I would have to wait for him to finish and get out before putting the litter back together. He always watched me remove his poo. He must have thought I loved it. Or else,why would I collect it?

Are there any stories you would like to share about Felix? I am listening. Now or in a week or a months time.
Thank you,
ABC01

[Author]

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