It is a Pretending Day.

[abc01]

Hi,
It is a pretending day today.
I have to pretend that I am okay. I have to pretend that my sense of humor is back and I am engaging people like I used too.
But it is just a front. Inside it is a hollow feeling, even as I am doing it.
No one asks how I am anymore in regards to my grief or loss. So I just have to pretend.
Does anyone else have to pretend?
ABC01

Topic

[vmrose33]

Dear abc01

That is tough, having to pretend that you are OK and ‘back to normal’, when you aren’t. That hollow space and grief are still there but others don’t seem to want to hear about it anymore. But it is important and needs acknowledgement and opportunity to be seen and heard, and I am glad that you honored that by sharing here.

How are you today, in particular around your loss and grief?

Yes I have things that I can’t talk about any more in most situations and conversation can feel empty and pointless at times. I find it helps to set aside time and space to connect with people who understand and can relate.

vmrose33

[abc01]

Dear VMrose 33,

Thank you for your reply. I have a small notebook that I write down my feelings and thoughts in the moment I feel them. Just to get them out. Because people don’t want to talk to me about him.

Thank you for asking, today has been a hard day. I had a dream with my cat in it last night and in the dream I knew that he was dead, so the Major I was seeing in my dream was confronting, because he was alive in front of me. Because even in my subconscious dream, I thought that thought out loud(That this Major wasn’t real and my dream was playing a trick on me.I know Major is dead). When I woke up, I could remember that he was in my dream, alive, however I had that recognition that he had passed away. So I can’t actually remember what we might have done in the dream together. I just am left with the remanent of the thought I knew in my dream that it wasn’t real. Even in my subconscious my grief and mind still remember, and I can’t have a quality sleep. Even in my dreams my anger, frustration, sadness and longing are in them.
I used to love to sleep, to dream. I do every night. Before Major passed. Now, today I am afraid to go to sleep. Everyday I don’t want to be awake, the grief and trauma are so crushing and never ending. Sleep has always been that escape. Now I feel anxiety at the thought of sleeping.
I miss Major the second I wake up(our routine together every morning is gone), I think of him constantly all day, nights are cold,lonely and quiet(There is our nighttime routine that is gone) and the moments getting ready to get into bed to sleep is the worst! Because I know I will go to sleep and then have to pull myself out of bed the next day and do it all over again. Every Monday marks another week he has been gone and I still feel like my grief and trauma are stuck on a loop that never moves forward.
He died young, 3.5 years old. I feel he is now suspended in time. Forever young. He is supposed to be here with me now. But the actions of others took him from me. And I don’t know how to find acceptance in that. I have accepted that he is really not coming back. He is cremated on my bookshelf. He is gone. But my grief still has no idea how to figure out so much,too much.

Thank-you for your kindness and asking me where I am.
ABC01

[VM-Serenity66]

Dear @ABC01

It sounds so difficult, having to pretend that you are OK when you don’t feel that way at all. Sometimes other people don’t understand how the loss of a pet can affect us, or think perhaps we should be ‘over it’ more quickly than we are. People who love animals understand better though. It sounds like Major’s youth and unexpected loss has been incredibly tough on you.
Sometimes the first and most difficult part is accepting that it has happened at all. You have made it that far though, and honour his memory by keeping his ashes where you can see them. It sounds like you are struggling with the awful and persistent feelings that go along with losing him. It’s OK to take your time with that. Take extra special care of yourself while those feelings are moving through. If it helps to talk, Griefline volunteers are available (8am – 8pm 1300 845 745) to support you.

[abc01]

Thank you @VM-Serenity66,

Thank you for your support and words of kindness.
We always have to go through things to get to a better place.
Unfortunately this is one of the hardest things I will have to go through. Mostly because of his youth.
I can only try my best everyday and see where I end up.
I will definitely take my time with my grief. It-to me- is the only way to fully respect and honour Major’s life. And also all the practical lessons he has taught me in my everyday life. If I can’t recall them and then process them in my mind,no matter how sorrowful they are,I would miss out on these precious moments and stop doing them in my life. And he is a major part of my life, not only in his name.
Thank you again, the pretending is exhausting.
ABC01

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