I Lost Two of My Best Friends and I Don’t Know What to Do

[JBirdyyyy]

I used to live in England when I was little and while I was there I was in a really bad car accident with 7 casualties. I was one of 4 survivors, one committed suicide the following day — I was the one who found him, one of them is in a mental asylum for causing the accident and the last one was one of my closest friends. She was diagnosed with anorexia at 8 years old and I met her at the hospital when I was diagnosed at 6, 3 1/2 years later. Alexa and my Grandmother helped me through that multiple times when I ended up in the hospital and we called/texted every day. I was 8 at the time of the accident and was really close to everyone involved. They were the people that helped me to learn that cars were okay. Earlier this year my Grandmother died of Ovarian Cancer and that completely crushed me as she had been there for me for so long and I wasn’t really able to be there for her when she needed me because of the distance. Around that time Lexa started completely focusing on my and how I was doing, completely avoiding quetions I had about her wellbeing and a month later I was the one that called the hospital when she collapsed. She died a while later from heart failure. We had been through so much together and I justed wanted her to live and to be healthy and to be happy with herself and I just wish that I could have done more. I met Lexa’s boyfriend at the same time I met her and we quickly became really close friends too. His sister died in the accident and he was on face time during the whole thing because he was suposed to be coming with us. It was a field trip of sorts and he had just had an incident due to his own disorder CIPA — can’t feel pain or regulate body temperature. Lexa and Jack were like the older siblings I never really had and after they started dating it was really weird for me but with was exactly the kind of thing that people looked up two. Calling Jack after Lexa passed was one of the hardest things and he just broke after that. He wanted to live but he was even more reckless and he ended up overexherting himself. Since I live so far away I don’t know how long it will be until I realise they are actually gone and I know they wanted me to be happy but I just don’t know how.

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[onlinecommunity]

Dear @jbirdyyyy
Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your experience with us here. Our hearts go out to you for the multiple losses you have experienced in your life. There is a lot of trauma and grief in your story and we are sorry this happened to you. Your story speaks of so much love – the love your grandmother, Alexa and Jack gave to you and the love you returned. We feel sure you did everything you could for them. We also feel certain they would want you to live a full life that honours both yourself and them…

You wrote in a post that you dont know how you’ll move on without them so we want to share with you some guidance from Robert Neimeyer who is a renowned grief expert;

“How do we move forward in a life without them?

Ask yourself what might I do now that they would take pride in?

Sometimes the question of finding meaning in life is not answered with a single, grand answer; it comes in a hundred little instalments.

Ask yourself every day, “What is one small thing I can do today that would make them proud?” Then do that thing.

Perhaps it’s organising your study or wardrobe, planting a flower, venturing out of your home for a walk, lending a hand to a friend or neighbour…

Once you’ve achieved it reflect back on the progress you’re making and keep them updated too.”
Though they are no longer here in person, your connection with each of them will always remain. Coping with the loss of loved ones doesn’t mean you have to ‘accept’ the loss nor ‘move on’. Healthy grief involves developing a new, different and ongoing connection with that person.

By practicing ‘continuing bonds’ you can allow yourself to visualise, reminisce and daydream about your grandmother, Alexa and Jack. You might like to talk to them or write letters. Your grandmother helped you through a lot so when you are troubled or facing challenges perhaps think about what she would have done or even ask her …by taking on her perspective the answers might come to you.

It’s clear that you have come through some very difficult times in your life. You show incredible resilience to do this and a loving heart. Both of which are wonderful strengths. When we are grieving we often lose sight of our strengths but these are our superpowers for adapting to loss. So take a look at this article on our Resource Hub; ‘In Search of Lost Strengths’. It will help to illuminate more of your inner and outer strengths to get you through.

Grief Recovery Part 1: In Search of Lost Strengths

@jbirdyyyy – we hope you find these resources helpful and comforting in some way. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are feeling. We are here for you. 🌸

[vmmax]

Hi @jbirdyyyy,

I wanted to reach out and ask if you were doing ok? It’s ok not to feel ok too; that sounds like a lot to handle. I hope you’re doing well these last few months. Please feel free to reach out to us or a mental health professional any time. Our helpline is 1300 845 745.

Best wishes,
T.

[Author]

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