I lost my son

[Mary]

At the end of November 2020 I lost my son. He took his own life at age 14. He was with me for 8 years but I loved him unconditionally, as though he was my biological son. I didn’t see it coming at all and I wasn’t able to get there in time to save him. He was fragile, he had had a very hard start to life, but we had come such a long way. Adolescence is a minefield though. I just cant believe it. I never thought he would do that, not for a minute. I feel so completely lost. He was my whole life for 8 years.

Yes I am seeing a therapist and my family are supportive but it is as if I am under water. My grief and guilt and incomprehension so acute. I cannot begin to imagine a life without him and find myself begging him not to do it and come back.

Topic

[onlinecommunity]

Hi @Mary, our hearts go out to you – the loss of a child can feel almost unbearable and this is made exceptionally distressing when they take their own life. At Griefline we talk to more and more carers/parents who are completely blindsided as their teen kept a brave face and their struggles hidden.

It sounds like you had a very special and nurturing relationship with him…helping him to grow and develop despite his hard start to life. What a profound love you gave to him – as he became your whole life. We feel sure he would have felt loved, honoured and cherished by you – which no doubt gave him joyful times throughout your 8 years together and some peace amongst the anguish when he made the decision to end his life.

It is so good to hear that you have a supportive family and also a therapist to help you through your acute pain. Lean on them as much as you can because, in essence, you need ‘intensive care’ right now – let others take care of you when it’s too overwhelming, share your burden with those around you, and remember how important self-care is too. As a suicide survivor, you may need a cradle of extra supports to get you through – already you have taken the brave and resilient step of joining our online community. So thank you for allowing us to walk alongside you and also for giving compassion and guidance to another community member in need. But have you thought about joining a suicide support group as well? There are many unique features of the suicide loss experience which others who are bereaved by suicide will know and understand.

In the meantime let yourself dream and talk to him – its normal to want him back and also to want to continue your bond with him. Remember, that your bond will always remain – nothing can ever take that away. Over time it will become easier to think of him and talk to him in your own way. You are always welcome to talk of him here too.

So welcome again @ Mary. Take care and keep posting.

[Heather]

Hi Mary.
My name is Heather and I’m really sorry you lost your beautiful son. My heart aches for you. In November 2020 my husband died of cancer leaving me alone with 2 grieving children. Together we have a daughter that has just turned 13 and a son who has recently turned 11.
Although he had cancer we didn’t think he would die in fact we never spoke of it because he refused to and his specialists didn’t even mention it as a high possibility. He had a donor stem cell transplant and died 6 days later from acute renal failure from the anti rejection drugs that destroyed his kidneys. The hospital just gave up on him and my very young daughter and I were there when he passed. The hospital was terrible and offered no support at the time or after except Asked me to pack up his room after he died and made sure I signed a piece of paper saying I had taken his wedding ring.

I know the feeling of wanting time back.

Everything in my life feels heavy, unbearable, permanent, frightening, overwhelming, terrible and like it’s forever. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can barely leave the house unless I really have to for the kids and I can’t see a future.

I’m suppose to return to my part time employment on the 2/2 and I just can’t see that it’s going to be possible so I think I might resign which will make my current frightening financial situation worse but at least a would get a health care card which seems to be the key to being entitled to support. My daughter is linked with canteen which is great but there is nothing in my sons age group and I have looked extensively for all of us. I’ve looked into psychology too but on a mental health care plan you pay $215 for 50-60 mins and get only $87 back. I have no family support.
I’m sorry for your loss Mary. I’m glad you have a good support network around you to help get you through. Thinking of you 🦋

[Mary]

Hi Heather,
I really feel for you and feel I can relate very much to the feelings you describe. It is a most terribly difficult time, one you have had no control over and unbelievably sad. I am so sorry you are going through this.
I understand feeling there is no future, so I have been told, take it day by day, or in my case, it is hour by hour or minute by minute – try not to think about the future – that is too hard at the moment.
I am meant to return to work on 27th January but have already alerted my boss to the fact I wont be ready and will need to take leave for at least another 6 weeks or so. Maybe taking leave is something you might be able to do? It might keep that connection open, and be something that eventually you can work towards.
I am having therapy but through telehealth it is (often?) bulk-billed on a mental health plan given by your GP. So I am not paying anything extra, and without therapy I certainly could not get through this, in fact I am looking into other things like a support group. This might be something you might consider too. Also, if you have not done so already, I suggest contacting Centrelink because you may well be already eligible for some family payments given you are a single parent. It is certainly hard having financial worries on top of everything else. Do you have a close friend or family member who can help you look into supports because it is a lot to do, and like me, your brain is probably feeling very fried.
Thank you for replying to me. I think it really helps to connect with other people who are in a very difficult place.

[Author]

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