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I didnt get to say Goodbye

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Home Forums Loss of a loved one I didnt get to say Goodbye

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  • #15682

    My Mum died on the 4th June from a non-detected Heart Disease she never knew she had. She didn’t die in pain to her she would of thought she had just fainted. She died on a normal day but i didn’t see her that day. So i didn’t get to say goodbye. Luckily she never knew about this disease which has given me some peace as if she did she would of never done some amazing thing including a coast to coast walk in England. What i need help in is my emotions i haven’t been able to grieve or cry much as we were just going and preparing for the funeral. Now thats over i still feel empty and lost no sadness yet. My mum left behind her husband my dad who is sad. Im 26 years old. My mum was supposed to celebrate her 58th birthday on July 3rd. my mum was my role model and my best friend. i need help.

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  • #15696

    Dear @Imogen23, welcome to the forums. Our hearts go out to you for the loss of your Mum – your best friend, so suddenly and so recently. We are very glad you have had the courage to share your grief here on the forums and reach out for help.

    It sounds like your Mum’s passing was a huge shock to you and your Dad. The feelings of emptiness and your inability to cry are common reactions to unexpected losses such as this. As time goes on you may also find yourself very distressed, crying uncontrollably, having difficulty sleeping or sleeping more than you would normally. These responses are a very human and normal response to an unexpected grief and loss experience. You can find out more about the different experiences of grief in this article from our Resource Hub.

    Your mum sounds like an incredible woman – walking coast to coast in England, not to mention being a role model to you. We would love to hear more about her if you would like to share with us here on the forums. Reminiscing about our loved ones can be very therapeutic and bring you moments of warmth and pride amongst the sorrow.

    It might also be comforting for both you and your dad to talk openly about her and perhaps to invite other family members and friends to share in remembering her. You can talk about your precious memories of her and share photos and videos, remember the places that were meaningful to her, play her favourite pieces of music, tell her favourite jokes, smell her perfume…and construct a richer understanding of her life based on your collective experiences. While this can bring up a rollercoaster of emotions it is also a way to honour her and your relationship while experiencing little moments of joy as you immerse yourself in the memories.

    Have you heard of continuing bonds? It’s one of the tools we recognise for grief recovery at Griefline. It’s about giving yourself permission to retain your bond with your mum and keep your emotional ties strong. There are lots of ways to do this…some people create a ‘shrine’ of sorts in their home. Somewhere you can go whenever you need to connect with her. You might like to fill it with photos of her, precious mementoes, pieces of her writing, candles – whatever is important to you. Feel free to talk to her – say your goodbyes, cry, reminisce – whatever feels right for you. Some people prefer to create a memory box and might wear one of their loved one’s favourite pieces of clothing, perfume or jewellery. These are all comforting ways to stay close to her.

    Another grief recovery tool is journalling – especially in these early stages. The article ‘Mindfulness for Grief‘ tells us to “consider your journal your confidant, a space for you to speak your truth without judgement and untangle confusing thoughts”. You’ll also find prompts to get started with journal writing in the article.

    we hope these strategies help in some way. We would like to support you with more self-care tools as you navigate the grief journey but for now, the most important thing is to surround yourself with caring, supportive people whether they be friends, family, community organisations like the Griefline Helpline and us here on the forums. Hopefully, you’ll reach out to these resources because you deserve so much compassion and understanding at this time.

    Please know that you are not alone. We are here for you. 🌸

    GL friend

    Hi @Imogen23
    Im sad to hear about your mums passing. I was 24..25 when my mum died. I didn’t get to say bye either. She didn’t even recognise my voice and called me by some other name. I dont know exactly how she died. She was admitted to the hospital with a fever that wouldnt go down two weeks after my birthday and another two weeks later she was gone. I hope she wasnt in pain but i think she was.

    My mum was also my best friend. I never imagined she would be gone. She was just 48 years old. Her whole life was ahead of her. All her dreams and plans and things i wanted to do with her.

    Its been several years but i still go through phases of anger, sadness, regret, guilt, and a lot of pain. Every event, every milestone makes me think of her. What would i say? What would i share? What would she say? “she would probably laugh” is what i manage to come up with.

    They say its normal to feel like this with grief but ugh, that doesnt make it any better. We needed our mums.

    You said your mums bday is coming up. On my mums first bday after her passing, i prayed for her that wherever she is, may she be happy. And i had cake, because it’s still a birthday. And i cried. A lot. I cried more as time went on because i missed her more.

    I have no advice because you will find your own way and your mum is right there inside of you, guiding you, and listening to you. I can relate to a lot of what you shared and im sending you big hugs.

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