Help

[sydney]

Please help, i am feeling so desperate, i just want to die and be with my baby. I lost my beautiful 15 year old angel girl (Golden Retriever) 5 weeks ago, I have had her since she was 6 weeks old she was my child. I am not coping with this painful grief and trauma and shock and don’t know what to do I am scared of this becoming a deep and serious depression. I just want to die and be with her, I cannot go on without her, she was my child that I just loved and adored as I don’t have children I cannot accept that she is gone and that I will never see her again I have nothing to live for without her, she was my whole world and I lived for her, my whole world revolved around her.
The day after her 15th Birthday we ended up at the vet but it took me a whole week to find the strength to make the decision and I cannot live with myself for taking her life away from her. I am unable to live in my house because I am expecting to see her there and the realisation just shocks me and I just need her back so desperately
I survived divorce with her by my side. I feel so traumatised and guilty that I had to make the decision as she was suffering.
I am not living without her, I am unable to get out of bed as have no motivation or purpose to go on, I am broken and devastated. This grief and trauma is unbearable and I cannot go on with this pain. I have nothing to go on for if I can never see her beautiful face again She was my best friend, my emotional support and constant loyal companion that loved me unconditionally and I relied on her. I loved and adored her more than life i cannot accept she has left me alone. I would give my life if I could have her back.
I cannot even think about her it hurts so much, I have gone into denial that she is not with me
I am awake all night worrying and crying because i cannot kiss her goodnight. I am nauseous with anxiety I don’t know what to do to try and recover but I feel guilty for having a life when I took her life away from her.
I cannot go on without ever seeing my beautiful baby again i don’t want to live with this pain
I cannot handle this pain, my heart is totally shattered
I am guilty for making the decision to stop her suffering, I always said that I would let her go when she was ready to go. Maybe she wasn’t ready to leave me
Everyone tells me how much she loved and adored me too
I know she will forever own my heart but I cannot accept never seeing her beautiful face looking at me again
How do I go on, I have nothing to live for.

Topic

[aksp]

I am so sorry for your painful loss. I lost my cat around the same time and I too have felt this deep profound emptiness and lonliness. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I am really glad you wrote on this forum. I know for me, it has been helpful to talk to people and share how deeply i am effected. I looked into booking in with a counsellor who specisalises in pet loss too, maybe that could be an option for you? I didn’t end up doing it, just saw a regular psychologist but it was still helpful to have space to have all my pain heard. I know you are shattered, I know you are broken, I know this is horrific, but you must keep going. Dying isn’t the answer to this unbearable pain. I am coming to realise we have to persevere. Some days it might feel easier, some days it might feel harder. Share the burden with others. Try to engage in the simple things that bring you a moment of relief from the pain, a good coffee, a breath of fresh air, a good song. I am sure the moderators will share these but also remember to use lifeline if you need it. I have used it before and found it helpful. If you don’t like the person you get when you call, just try and call again. You will get through this. Pain and all, you will get through. I feel all of this with you.

[VM-Suki80]

Hey Sydney,

I just stumbled on your message and wanted to check in and see how you were going today. I really feel for you, I have also experienced what you are feeling (my cat Elliot), and so I think I understand how you are feeling. It sounds like you loved your baby with every part of your body/mind and heart, and I can understand that you are feeling like you cannot go on. These feelings are real, normal and understandable. I know you did the right thing (but I also know the guilt that now burdens you). It is the most humane selfless act to make the decision that you did, and I have to believe that your sweet girl knew that. I am really so sorry for your loss and pain and I just want you to know that you are not alone.
I know the other person who responded to you mentioned lifeline, have you called into griefline (1800 854 745) ? In my darker moments after the loss of Elliot I found that reaching out to anyone helped ease the pain of being so shattered and alone. I remember being so floored with grief that it was hard to breathe. However, as time went on I realised what a gift it was to share my life with Elliot, he showed me how to love more that any other creature/human on this planet, and I feel honoured to have had him in my life for the time that I did. I hope that you get support during this time, it is not easy and I don’t want to minimise how you felt about your pup (sometimes people can do that when it’s a pet).

Look after yourself…loving an animal is pure love, unconditional love, accepting love, and you made the best decision for your friend. Again, I am so sorry.

[vmHope]

@sydney
I’m so sorry for your tremendous loss. It takes a lot of courage and immense love to relief your beloved companion from their pain; and to make the decision which they relied on you to do for them.

While we all grieve differently, its absolutely normal to have those intense sadness, numbness, despair and guilt feelings that you described. Its important to know that for most people this intensity eases over time.
But this is all so raw for you at the moment, so it’s understandable that you’re feeling overwhelmed.

One of the ways that could really help you through this very difficult period is by talking to someone.
Griefline offers a wonderful team of volunteers who are here to support you. Here are their details:

Griefline Helpline 1300 845 745; they are available Monday to Friday 8am to 8pm.
If you are feeling vulnerable in the weekends, you can also book a call through their website at griefline.org.au

But if things get a bit too much and you feel that your safety is at risk, call Lifeline13 11 14.

I wish you all the best. And hope to hear from you soon.

• This reply was modified 1 year ago by vmHope.

[sydney]

@aksp, @VM-Suki80 and vmHope

Thank you so much for the lovely messages and support, I cannot find the words at the moment I am so lost and broken in this unbearable grief
Please tell me this pain becomes easier as I don’t know what I have to live for if this is my life without my beautiful girl by my side
I loved and adored her with all my heart and soul and people have told me, they could see how much she loved and adored me too
We had such a special bond and we’re so attached to each other
I just cannot cope with never seeing my beautiful baby again, I cannot accept she has been taken away from me
It was my beautiful darling girls 15th birthday on the 23rd February and she wasn’t herself that day, I slept on the floor with her that night and we went to our vet the next morning. I was thinking we were just going for a check up and we would come home but I was never able to bring her home as she was on drips for kidney failure.
I cannot cope that she was taken from me so suddenly, I was not ready for her to go
I had to make the decision to end her life and it took me a whole week to find the strength to do it and it killed me. I just wanted to die with her and go with her to keep her safe so we could be together, my heart is shattered and will never be the same.
It then took me 2 weeks to find a way of making the decision with what to do with my beautiful baby girl
I did a viewing and now I feel so traumatised from seeing her even though she looked so beautiful like a little angel baby sleeping. I had to see her and kiss her and tell her how much I loved and adored her, I would have felt so guilty if I let her go alone
I just wish I died with her that day, it is too painful to think she does not exist anymore and cannot kiss her goodnight
I went through divorce and she was there for me to support me and love me when no one else did.
She was my companion and best friend.
I don’t even remember how I drove home that night after I left the vets
It has been nearly 8 weeks since I lost my beautiful girl, 15 year old Golden Retriever Princess.
Not everyone understands the loss of our beautiful angels
A friend said to me she was just a dog, first of all she was my child and I loved and adored her more than some people love their own children. I will never talk to this friend again or forgive her for what she said
I am totally devastated and I am so heartbroken, she was so beautiful and such an Angel, she was my Princess.
I cannot handle this unbearable pain and grief of my beautiful angel not being here with me
I have lost 3 family members as well and have never felt this pain and grief I am feeling losing my beautiful girl
I am not sleeping, i have aches and pains from this grief and I cannot understand how my life can go on
I cannot accept she has left me, it is too painful to think about her not being here
I am unable to live in my house because I expect to see her sitting on her bed or choosing a toy from her toy basket, she was always happy and smiling and loved me unconditionally
She loved playing with balloons and got so excited over them, now I cannot even see a balloon
I cannot see any other dogs, because it just brings back memories and breaks my heart to pieces
She always sat at my feet and kept me company now I am alone and have no one and am unable to get out of bed.
She was the most beautiful thing in the world and I would give my life if I could have her back
I have no purpose to live without her, how do we go on without our loves
I cannot look at her photos because I just need her back so desperately.
I was so angry yesterday that she was taken from me, I was crying uncontrollably and was alone, all I wanted was my beautiful baby to be with me
Why does this have to be this way
I am scared that I will never accept that she has left me
My Doctor gave me Valium for the first 3 weeks and I am now on anti depressants, which I am hoping will help me because I have nothing to live for
I am lonely and will never be able to love another because I cannot go through this excruciating pain and heartache again and thought of being alone gives me no purpose to go on
I would feel guilty of loving another because my love for her was endless and I have told her I will devote my life and love to her
I just cannot believe or accept that something as beautiful as her has been taken away from me
It breaks me to think she never got to play with her new toys that she got for her birthday because she was not well and we ended up at the vets the next morning.
I feel like I am in shock and traumatised in disbelief that she does not exist in my life
How do I go on????

[VM-Luna]

Hello @Sydney,
Yes the grief does lessen or change, once the shock of loss and the longing for things to be different start to soften, the grief slowly changes back into the love you shared, the good times you had and the acceptance that it is your memories that will light your heart again. It can be hard to remember the wonderful times without missing your golden angel and longing for it to be different, and honouring your connection with her by expressing your grief is healing. It sounds like you have a loving connection and deep respect for your mutual feelings, that she was the one constant during tumultuous times, your one safe harbour and confidant, so it stands to reason that your grief can feel overwhelming and never-ending as she is no longer with you in physical form. I have had many fur family members and each have touched my heart in ways as different as their personalities, the grief does soften and the love remains to nurture my heart. You can recover and find yourself again, it can be difficult and you may take some steps forward and feel good, then you might take a step back and start again, just remember that when love has been experienced it always resides within you. As @VMHope has said, we are here to listen and chat, reach out again whenever you need, either on the forum or by calling us at Griefline. Wishing you well.

[sydney]

I am struggling mentally and emotionally with this pain and grief of losing my beautiful girl
I cannot accept that she has been taken from me
I have never known a pain like this
I cannot believe in my mind that she does not exist any more and it is slowly killing me
If I was to die now, I would be happy to go and be with her as I have nothing to live for without her, I have no purpose
In my mind I keep planning what her and I are going to do on the weekend and then reality hits and I realise she is not with me
She was the love of my life and we loved and adored each other so much
I am sitting here lonely and crying when she could be here with me and we have to be torn apart
I cannot accept in my mind that I am never going to see my beautiful angel again
I am slowly drowning with this grief and depression and don’t know who to turn to
Family and friends don’t want to listen and don’t understand they just seem to think it is acceptable and part of life
I cannot accept she has been taken, life is so so cruel
I am unable to live in my home because I want to see her sitting on her bed waiting for me
I did everything in my power to save my beautiful angel
I cannot handle this pain any more and cannot stop the tears
I will give my life if I can have her back
I am desperate, she was all I had, she was my companion, my best friend and my one true love
This hurts too much, I don’t know how to go on without her

[VM-Kay]

Good Morning Sydney,
I am so sad to read your story and can feel the anguish you are experiencing. It seems like you’re continuing to have trouble sleeping as I can see you wrote your last message in the early hours of the morning. As others have said, please know that the grief will not be this strong and raw forever. You mention you feel guilty about the decision to have her put to sleep, but what other decision could you have made, let her continue on suffering and in pain? There was only one decision to make and you did what you needed to, you do not need to feel any guilt. If you have not already, I urge you to look at Griefline’s information regarding the loss of a pet https://griefline.org.au/resources/losing-a-pet/. It has some really good information that will help you to understand why you are feeling so completely devastated, as well as some ideas on how to honor the memory of Princess. By honoring her memory, and making an enduring connection with her, you will feel that she is still a part of your life in some way. This will help to ease the pain you are feeling right now. I would also urge you to make a booked Griefline call, or even just call the Helpline. It sounds like you do not have anyone to talk to who truly understands how you are feeling right now, and being able to say how you are feeling out loud to someone who understands could assist you greatly as it helps the brain to process what has happened. As you have said, you were not expecting this and had no time to prepare. Take care Sydney,….and know that we are here for you.

[sydney]

@VM-Kay
Thank you for your message, I appreciate your kind words but are we meant to suffer and die in silence?
I am dying inside with this grief and the thoughts going around and around in my head. There is no help for mental health and I cannot afford to see a Psychologist! Who do I turn to, I need specialist help to deal with this grief, it is becoming unbearable and so mentally and emotionally exhausting and painful and I cannot go on like this. I am constantly crying uncontrollably, I am awake all night and asleep all day so I don’t have to think about my beautiful baby
I cannot accept my beautiful girl is gone and still find myself planning things to do with her on the weekend and then reality hits.
Family and friends do not understand and make comments “you are still crying” it’s not normal.
You say the grief will not be this strong and raw forever, am I meant to have a mental breakdown in the meantime.
I am having trouble honouring her memory because I cannot think about her without excruciating pain and tears.
I just cannot imagine or think about never seeing my beautiful baby again
We had such a special loving bond and we’re both so attached to each other.
I look at her photos and it only makes the pain and heartache worse.
I am missing her so desperately and do not know how to cope with these thoughts and feelings
My thoughts and feelings are scaring me
I am alone without my baby with no family close by and am so frightened of this grief and the way I am feeling
I have nothing to live for and nothing to go on for without her to love, I am never going to have any happiness or fun in my life without her by my side
This desperation is becoming so so overwhelming and distressing that I do not know who to turn to for help

[onlinecommunity]

Hello Sydney,
I am so sorry for your loss. I can read your expressions of grief and I feel your pain through your words.
Your grief is real and your feelings are real.
I wanted to you to know that you can at any time call Griefline to discuss your grief.
The number is 1300845745 and you may remain anonymous.
You may also if you so choose, organise a booked call via Griefline where your details are entered into an online booking system and Griefline will call you at a scheduled day and time of your choosing. Griefline website is https://griefline.org.au/
The book a call link is in the top right of the page.
You may also call Lifeline on 131114 if at anytime you are feeling overwhelmed.
Please reach out as we are all here to help.
Speaking with people who understand at Griefline or Lifeline may begin to ease your pain.
Wishing you the best Sydney.

[VM-Kay]

Good morning Sydney,
I have been thinking about you and wondering if you have been able to get any support from the suggestions made by the onlinecommunityparticipant above. I hope you have been able to make a connection with someone so you can get the help you need. Everyone’s grief journey is different, and yours sounds very painful. Please reach out, we are here for you.

[Author]

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