Grieving for a long time

[shamizzle1122]

It’s been 4 years now since my partner died. Covid related, I don’t want to get into details but she was just gone when I came back from work. It’s been so long and I still can’t move on. I drink as much as I can and try to forget so bad, refusing to connect to anyone over it, but it still feels like it happened a month ago. It’s killing me and I just can’t get out of that headspace of ‘what could of been’. I feel sick all the time and like I’m going to die myself at any moment.

I just want to let go but I can’t. I just want someone to help

Topic

[VM_Sunshine]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this—it sounds unbelievably heavy, carrying such pain and feeling unable to move forward. Losing someone so suddenly and unexpectedly, especially to something as isolating as COVID, can leave wounds that seem impossible to heal. It’s completely normal that four years later, the hurt can still feel so fresh.

Grief is incredibly complex, especially when it comes unexpectedly, and it’s common to get trapped in thoughts of “what could have been.” Sometimes, when we can’t find a way to let go, it’s because we haven’t had a safe space to fully hold and acknowledge everything that loss brings up. Drinking might feel like it dulls the pain temporarily, but it can also make the pain feel sharper when it returns.

Here are a few gentle, manageable ways to start loosening the hold that grief has on you:

1. Taking it One Step at a Time
Consider allowing yourself to feel the sadness and memories for just a few minutes each day. You don’t have to go into all the details, but allowing some of these feelings—without pushing them away entirely—can sometimes release the tension that builds up. It can be as simple as saying, “This is hard, and I’m allowed to feel it.”
2. Reaching Out in Small Ways
Even though connecting with others feels overwhelming right now, maybe you could try opening up in a very small way—maybe with a support group or counsellor who understands loss. Just knowing others have also felt this stuck can make it a little less isolating.
3. Finding Healthy Ways to Cope with ‘What Could Have Been’
Thoughts about “what could have been” are so powerful, especially when life is left unfinished. Writing down these thoughts—what you wish had happened, things you hoped to share—can sometimes ease the internal pressure. You don’t need to share this with anyone unless you want to. It’s a way to honour those dreams and let them breathe a little outside of your mind.
4. Connecting with Your Body
Feelings of physical sickness and worry can make you feel disconnected from yourself. When you’re ready, simple things like taking a few deep breaths or going for a short walk might help. It sounds small, but sometimes small things can create tiny shifts in how we feel.

Please remember, you don’t have to do this alone. There are professionals who specialise in grief and trauma who could help you find a way through this. Finding someone to walk with you through the pain—at your own pace—can lighten even the heaviest of loads. You deserve to have that support. It’s okay to reach out; there is no shame in asking for help.
If you haven’t already, consider talking to your doctor about the depth of your grief.

[vmmay7]

Thank you for reaching out and sharing with us here on the forum, Shamizzle1122.

Firstly, I am so sorry for the pain that you’re going through, and my condolences on the loss of your partner. Losing someone so suddenly and in such an unexpected way must have been so overwhelming, and it’s completely understandable that it still feels fresh, even years later. Grief doesn’t follow a set timeline, and sometimes it can feel like no matter what we do, we’re still stuck in that same moment of loss.
It sounds like you’ve been carrying this all on your own, which must be incredibly heavy. I want to acknowledge the strength it takes to reach out here, even though you’ve been feeling disconnected from others. Taking this step to share your experience is a big one, and it’s okay to need help, we all do throughout times in life.

It sounds like you’ve been using drinking as a way to cope with the intense pain and sadness you’re feeling, which is completely understandable. Grief can be so overwhelming that we reach for whatever helps us get through each day. However, relying on alcohol can sometimes make things feel even harder in the long run, affecting both physical and emotional well-being and potentially deepening the sense of sadness and isolation. I wonder if there’s anything else that has brought you a sense of comfort or peace during this time?

If you’re open to it, finding support could be the next step in lightening some of this burden. Talking with someone who understands grief can sometimes bring a bit of relief and help you process those feelings of “what could have been.” Connecting with a counsellor, especially someone with experience in grief, might give you space to explore and work through these emotions without feeling so alone.

I have attached a link below to Griefline’s ‘Find a Grief Counsellor’ page, if it’s helpful to you, please have a look when you feel ready:

 

Also, if you feel comfortable, there are groups out there that bring together people who have experienced similar losses. Sometimes, sharing your story with others who understand can provide a sense of connection and comfort.

I have attached a link below to information on Griefline’s Bereavement Support Groups, in case that may be of interest to you:

 

Please know that you’re not alone in this, and there are people who can support you through this journey. Take this at your own pace, but don’t hesitate to reach out if and when you’re ready.

Please feel free to continue sharing with us here on the forums, and of course please give the Helpline a ring on 1300 845 745, the volunteers are there to support you from 8 am-8 pm 7 days a week.

Also, if you ever feel overwhelmed or in emotional distress, services like Beyond Blue and Lifeline are also available for immediate support 24/7. Both services can be valuable resources if you ever feel like you need someone to talk to, especially during challenging moments.

Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636
Lifeline: 13 11 14

Thank you again for reaching out, and remember, we are here to support you.

• This reply was modified 4 weeks ago by vmmay7.
• This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by onlinecommunity.
• This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by onlinecommunity.

[VM-stel18]

Hi shamizzle1122. It sounds like you are going through such a hard time at the moment. It’s good you have reached out to the Griefline community. It’s usually really helpful to talk with others and receive understanding and support when you are experiencing grief. But it can be hard to start that process of talking about your grief.

Losing your partner must have felt unbearable, and I understand it still feels that way. It’s normal to still feel such pain four years on. But I wonder if it’s even harder for you because you’ve tried to avoid your feelings and have found it hard to talk about your suffering. People often try to avoid or suppress their emotions during grief with the belief that the pain might go away over time. Unfortunately though, squashing down your feelings tends to build up more tension and anxiety and make things worse. It’s not as simple as “just letting go” is it?

Drinking is a common reaction to grief but it doesn’t help, as you have experienced, and just prolongs the suffering.

I really encourage you to talk about your grief with someone, as @VM_Sunshine suggested. You are welcome to call Griefline on 1300 845 745 to talk to a friendly volunteer. There are also some useful handouts and suggestions on the Griefline website such as this one https://griefline.org.au/resources/coping-with-grief/.

While you will never let go completely of your partner or the grief related to her death, you will be able to find some healthy ways of adapting to your grief and easing the pain over time. But we all need support during grief to enable this to happen and I hope you continue to reach out on this forum and by talking to others and let that support in. We are here for you. You are not alone.

[VM-rose]

Hello @shamizzle1122, I am deeply sorry to hear about the loss of your partner. I can’t imagine what you’re going through.

I just want to acknowledge how brave it is of you to have shared your personal experience here on the Griefline forum. I also want to let you know that grief is a personal and unique experience for every individual and your feelings are completely natural.

You can call the Griefline on 1300 845 745 between the hours of 8am and 8pm, 7 days a week. You can also request a callback at a time that suits you. Here is the Griefline resources page: https://griefline.org.au/resources.

There are some great insights in our Griefline articles:

Coping with Grief

Mindfulness for Grief

Understanding Trauma

Experiences of Grief

The Different Types of Grief

Have you been able to speak to someone you trust about your experience? You can continue to connect with others by using the Griefline forum. It’s so important during this difficult time to connect with others who are going through grief and loss. You’ve taken a courageous first step by reaching out to Griefline. We’re here to listen and support you.

[Author]

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