Finally facing up to my traumatic grief

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Hi everyone
My Dad drowned on a family holiday when I was 18 my mum brother and i were there ,I am 55 now
We coped as best we could but to be honest myself, my brother and Mum have never really celebrated Dad since then.
Mum fell apart and then remarried 3 years later and moved on
I felt like my family and trust in the safety of the world was destroyed
I have had a good life though, I am a compassionate doctor, I have a husband and 2 kids i have good friends
I have had counselling around my fear of something bad happening to my kids and managing my anxiety and I meditate
My 20 year old son has depression and was suicidal and through family counselling for him I understood the impact of my grief on my parenting and the impact of my very strong intergenerational history of traumatuc grief , which is filled with suicide and accidents, where there is a lot of shame and stigma and a story line of being strong

I am so tired, tired of feeling shame because my grief for Dad is still there , tired of fear , of not trusting myself or the world and my hypervigilance for threat
All this stops me fully connecting with my husband and kids, from enjoying my work as i always need to be in control , hold some part of my back , be on the look out for something bad about to happen
I feel like i cant talk about this with my Mum or brother aa it would be too hard for them
Thanks for listening

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Time doesnt heal all wounds I’m sorry you’re going through this. I lost my dad four years ago and it still feels like yesterday. You’re not responsible for your sons depression it sounds like you’re an amazing mum and role model

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