Finally facing up to my traumatic grief

[Susanmarkw@hotmail]

Hi everyone
My Dad drowned on a family holiday when I was 18 my mum brother and i were there ,I am 55 now
We coped as best we could but to be honest myself, my brother and Mum have never really celebrated Dad since then.
Mum fell apart and then remarried 3 years later and moved on
I felt like my family and trust in the safety of the world was destroyed
I have had a good life though, I am a compassionate doctor, I have a husband and 2 kids i have good friends
I have had counselling around my fear of something bad happening to my kids and managing my anxiety and I meditate
My 20 year old son has depression and was suicidal and through family counselling for him I understood the impact of my grief on my parenting and the impact of my very strong intergenerational history of traumatuc grief , which is filled with suicide and accidents, where there is a lot of shame and stigma and a story line of being strong

I am so tired, tired of feeling shame because my grief for Dad is still there , tired of fear , of not trusting myself or the world and my hypervigilance for threat
All this stops me fully connecting with my husband and kids, from enjoying my work as i always need to be in control , hold some part of my back , be on the look out for something bad about to happen
I feel like i cant talk about this with my Mum or brother aa it would be too hard for them
Thanks for listening

Topic

[VM-Mancha1]

@asab1234 and @Susanmarkw@hotmail,

I feel for you both – being doctors must place pressure upon you both, no matter how well-meaning your patients. You are in a profession where the expectation is on you to provide that care, to provide the support and be that strong emotional platform upon which others rely – and I can only imagine how difficult that must make it to allow yourselves to grieve and let your emotions out.

And then you have your family and others who might also be expecting the same.

I hope you have both found the space in your lives to place this aside, and allow yourselves to be okay with what you feel and where you are. You both deserve the full support and care of your loved ones, families and support circles – us included.

Please come back and let us know how you’re coping – let us take care of you guys, for once.

[vmHope]

Hi @asab1234

I’m sorry for your loss. The struggle you described reflects how important both your mum and your job are to you.

I can’t assume, but I hope you’ve allowed yourself some time to just sit with the grief.

Losing a parent bring up a lot of unresolved stuff in our relationships and even existential questions.
I lost my dad 4 year ago. I dived back into my high-pressure job less than 2 weeks after.
Needless to say, my mind was a little distracted and I wasn’t able to enjoy my work for some time, and I’m sure it affected my output.

Only after taking some much needed time off, where (amongst other things) I discovered a new way of continuing my bond with dad, and learning to go easy on myself that things shifted. I found it to be extremely healing.

I wish this for you too.

All the best. A big hug to you.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by vmHope.

[VM- cookie]

Hi @asab1234,

Sorry to hear that things have been difficult for you. Sounds like it is a bit difficult for you to cope with your grief because of your job. It is normal for grief to be overwhelming and to make us feel helpless.

I’m wondering if you’ve checked out the articles on Griefline’s resource hub. https://griefline.org.au/resources/coping-with-loss/ provides some tips and information that you might find helpful, such as engaging in self-care – eating regular meals, engaging in activities you enjoy and getting adequate sleep.

Keep sharing your story, we’re here to listen. Feel free to contact the helpline or book a call on Griefline’s website if you would like to chat.

Take care

[asab1234]

I am a doctor too and I feel like my work makes is more challenging to get through my grief from losing my mum a couple of years ago.

I feel like I need to be in control at work but grief renders me helpless at times.

[VM-Sunflower22]

Hello Susan,

I am sorry to hear about losing your father. Time works in a funny way as sometimes it can feel like you are going backwards, after many year of the grief process, which of course, looks different for everyone. Please know, you are not alone, you are heard, and we are here to support you. I am deeply sorry for the way that you lost your father. the way it happened on a family holiday, with you, your brother and mother there. I cannot even begin to imagine what that may have been like for you. I truly feel the pain that you have carried with you throughout your life. You have managed to build a life for yourself with your career, husband and children. I am hearing that despite all of these things that society looks at as being ‘successful’, there is a deep sense of disconnect with all that you have, as you have struggled with the grief of your father. This is completely understandable. It makes perfect sense. To then have your son struggling and to come into full awareness of the impact of this generational grief/trauma, must have been huge! That in itself can be completely overwhelming to come to terms with.

Please make sure you are looking after yourself first, and to practice self-care in whatever way you can. It is important to be your own best-friend through times like this, as I can imagine you would be feeling all sorts of emotions that would be very challenging. How are you feeling now? Have you found ways to try and connect with your loved ones? and with yourself? I would love to hear how things are going for you.

By speaking out, others can walk alongside you, truly see you and perhaps that is comfort enough to know that you are embraced with understanding. I truly understand you and I understand completely where you are at right now. Thank you for coming here and sharing your story. Through the stories of others, it undoubtedly provides others with the strength that they are, like you, not alone. Sending you much strength and healing.

[vmmax]

Hi Susan,
I understand it’s been a while since your post, but I wanted to reach out.

Your feelings are completely valid. Grieving your father is completely valid. I’m sorry that you weren’t able to celebrate him with the rest of your family; everyone grieves differently. Have you been able to find a way to bring him into your life and celebrate him a little? You sound like an amazing person. Being affected by grief in this way wasn’t your choice and it sounds like your taking some fantastic steps with your family.

I hope everything has been well and continues to improve,
T.

[Bub]

Time doesnt heal all wounds I’m sorry you’re going through this. I lost my dad four years ago and it still feels like yesterday. You’re not responsible for your sons depression it sounds like you’re an amazing mum and role model

[Author]

Replies