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Feeling Guilt. I haven’t cried today. Please help.

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Home Forums Loss of a pet Feeling Guilt. I haven’t cried today. Please help.

  • This topic has 4 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by abc01.
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    Topic
  • #31351
    abc01
    Participant

    Dear everyone,
    It has been 4 and half weeks since my beloved boy unexpectedly passed. I have been devastated, in shock and in utter disbelief. I have cried each and everyday.

    Until today. Don’t get me wrong I am sad today, I have thought about him, I have felt the unfairness of him not being here. I just haven’t naturally cried. Every other day I have.

    I have spent my day sorting out all my photos into organized files. I have kept myself so busy I haven’t had a chance to stop because I don’t know what to do with myself and the time if I do. I guess I also may have started to understand and feel my “enduring connection” with him (Which has been alluding me so far). I felt flighty and my heart was pounding as I looked at his photos. The anxiety was felt in my body. The videos were too hard to watch all the way through. But there were also some photos that prompted some precious memories and the warmth I felt as I was living in these moments with him. That in some of the memories in my mind -I love so much- that there is a photo that corresponds to it, to keep that memory in my grasp.

    But WHY haven’t I cried?

    If I am being totally honest, I feel like the biggest bitch. I feel so much guilt for not be able to cry today. I feel like I am betraying him. It doesn’t matter that I have cried every other day. I should cry when I am grieving and sad. Devastated over his loss. Angry at the injustice of his life being gone from myself and him. If I don’t cry, I don’t want him to think I don’t love him. If I don’t cry, I don’t want that to mean my grief is over and I have “moved on”.

    Help me please.
    ABC01

Viewing 4 replies - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
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  • #31354
    VM-Tzimisce
    Participant

    Hi @abc01. It’s good to hear from you again, despite the circumstances.

    Do you remember the ball in the box analogy I made last week? What you’re experiencing right now is your box getting slightly bigger around that ball. Before, every thought of Major caused such intense pain that all you could do was cry. But now, you have grown a little around that pain. Now you can even experience positive feelings when you think about him. This is only good. Do you think he would like it that all you can do is cry for him? Or do you think, maybe, he would want you to remember him with a smile one day? Not as someone who brought you pain in his death but as someone who brought you joy in his life?

    Your lack of tears for Major yesterday are not a sign that you don’t love him and honour him. They are, in fact, a sign of the very opposite. You love and honour him so dearly that memories of him – while painful – can also start to bring you comfort now. This is part of the grieving process, a sign that you are – mentally and physically – coming to accept what has happened. That means, possibly, less tears and more smiles when you remember him. The pain will always remain but it will transform.

    I want to add that this guilt is normal. When it happened to me, I beat myself up over it. Did it mean that I didn’t love him anymore? That I was forgetting him? In my case, it meant that I was ready to start forming a new relationship with him in the absence of him being physically there. Now, years later, I have photos of him all through out my house and looking at them reminds me of all the good times we had together. His death, while horrible and traumatic, isn’t the only thing I remember. I remember how he would sleep, curled up, in the crook of my neck and shoulder at night. How he would look at me, lazily, in the morning when we both woke up. How obsessed he was with his food. I remember the way he used to get up and stretch when I’d come near because he’d be excited to be patted.

    It’s ok to feel guilty. But maybe reframe that guilt a little? You’re not forgetting him. You’re not ‘moving on’. Your relationship to him is changing and that’s not a bad thing.

    Remember to be kind to yourself, abc01. He’d want you to be.

    #31355
    abc01
    Participant

    Dear VM-Tzimisce,

    If I am honest, I don’t want to be okay. I don’t want my relationship to change with him. I just want him back.
    I know that isn’t happening, but I just want all these thoughts,feelings and emotions to just stop! I want it to go back to the way it was!
    Major is someone who I love with my whole heart and soul. I just can’t possibly understand how or why he is gone. I know the reality, but my mind and heart is fighting so hard for it not to be true and not let him go. I know this is only causing me pain and suffering. But part of me also believes I deserve it. I couldn’t protect him on that day. And that is my job.
    I am just having a really hard day today. I have already cried 3 times today.

    Thank you for listening to me and supporting me VM-Tzimisce.
    It has meant the most not to feel alone.

    ABC01

    #31365
    VM-Ceas15
    Participant

    Hi abc01,

    Thank you for sharing more of your feelings with us. I’m so sorry you’re going through this incredibly difficult time, and I want you to know that it’s okay to feel everything you’re feeling. Losing Major, who you love with all your heart and soul, is a profound loss, and it’s natural to wish for things to go back to how they were.

    Grief can be so overwhelming, and it’s understandable that your mind and heart are struggling to accept this new reality. The bond you shared with Major is incredibly special, and it makes perfect sense that you don’t want that relationship to change. Your love for him is enduring, and it’s a testament to the deep connection you had.

    Feeling like you deserve the pain and suffering is a heavy burden to carry. It’s important to remember that you did everything you could for Major, and the responsibility you feel is a reflection of your immense love and care for him. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, things happen that are beyond our control. Blaming yourself won’t change what happened, and it’s crucial to be gentle with yourself during this time.

    It’s also okay to not want to be “okay” right now. Grieving is not about quickly moving on or finding immediate peace; it’s about navigating through a wide range of emotions, including intense sorrow, longing, and confusion. It’s okay to cry multiple times a day, and it’s okay to have days where you don’t cry at all. Both are normal parts of the grieving process.

    I’m glad that sharing here and receiving support has helped you feel less alone. Please continue to reach out and express your feelings, whether it’s through writing, talking to friends or family, or seeking support from a grief counselor. Your grief journey is unique to you, and it’s okay to take the time you need to heal.

    You are not alone in this. We are here for you, to listen and support you in any way we can. If you ever need to talk, please don’t hesitate to call Griefline at 1300 845 745.

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by VM-Ceas15.
    #31369
    abc01
    Participant

    Thank you @VM-Ceas15,
    Your words today have been extremely helpful and also ones I can hear today.
    Major was my world everyday and the happiest I have been in years. All my routines were wrapped around him and my days are now lonely. I hate Mondays as they mark another week since he passed.

    I have confusion about acceptance and moving/growing around this grief and his death. If I have acceptance it means that it is over. Such a final decision. If I have growth in my grief then it means I live on in my life without him anymore. Those 3 and a half years are behind me and I go on with life. He doesn’t.That thought brings tears to my eyes. If I move forward it is like that short time together becomes my history. It is in my past. And I don’t know how I feel about it or what to do about it either. I don’t want him not to matter anymore. I don’t want his life to be just a thought to me everyday now. Months from now, I don’t want him not to have an important place in my life. I feel like more and more of my decisions won’t be about him and I will move further and further away. I have too many values around loyalty to be able to cope right now. So like I said, I have confusion. I am aware of the reality,but don’t know how to fully let go. I probably haven’t explained it like I hear it in my mind,but this isnthe best I can do today.

    Thank you for listening to me. My support circle is very slim. So thank you for being here in these moments I need it the most.
    ABC01

Viewing 4 replies - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
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