Experiences in reconnecting after loss

[GL friend]

It is difficult to find connection after the passing of a loved one. Sometimes it feels like people don’t understand us or offer advice that is not always helpful. We might withdraw from connections in order to protect ourselves. Are you feeling this way? I like to think of grief as a wave that washes over us time to time. Some times are more intense than others. What has reconnecting with others been like for you after losing a loved one? Feel free to share your experience.

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[Moon]

Hello grief community, here is my attempt at reconnecting after loss. For me, it can only begin here, with others who share the weight of mourning.
It’s only just 3 months since I lost my youngest son – I do not feel capable of connecting with anyone right now, I’m not part of this world currently.
I may seem to be here in body, but not in spirit. I both crave and detest company. Does anyone feel the same ?
I feel invisible and exposed simultaneously, so contact with others, however brief the encounter, leaves me feeling even more confused.
When just venturing quickly to the supermarket, which I’ve only recently managed to do, I sometimes feel like there’s a tattoo on my forehead “beware mother grieving – do not approach – she might suddenly start crying ” or conversely, I imagine empathy in strangers eyes behind the masks, as if they somehow sensed my sorrow.
I used to enjoy a friendly chat with whoever was behind the cashier, but these days my eyes are cast down. I try, but my perception of everything has changed.
There’s been a couple of occasions where I have felt part of society, like when an elderly gentleman fell down in front of me and was so grateful for my help, or helping a new school student get on the right bus and asking how her day was, but mostly I almost feel guilty for being here still, when my son isn’t.
I experienced the grief of losing relationships when he was first diagnosed 9 yrs ago, so only have a couple to try to maintain.
To be honest, I don’t know what to presume or expect or even how to be towards my 3 girlfriends ( all mothers of my sons’ friends). Their sons are grieving also.
I’m sitting on my deck, as I do, tossing up whether or not to text. I know the grace period of grief is limited, though never-ending for those who experience it.
If I do message, what do I want from the conversation ? Hear about their news, what their kids are up to ? Yes I do desperately, but on another level I don’t.
Do I want to talk about how I’m feeling, overwhelmingly a yes, do I repeat myself yes, am I a burden, most likely. So I don’t message, just play the convo in my head.
I’m so lonely – I don’t mind being alone at all, used to it – but I need someone to share this abyss with, so I can be a phoenix please. Thanks for listening xx

[GL friend]

Hi @jezza I think one of the hardest parts of grieving is that other people think they will trigger us in some way by asking us how we are doing, or asking about our loss.

I think that’s what adds to our loneliness.

It’s been 8 years since my mum died and I take every chance i get to talk about her. I love it when someone asks about my mum in some way. I just simply love it.

I resonate with the guilt too… time has moved one but my mum isn’t there. It’s so unfair. She missed out on so much. She was 48. She had soooo much to look forward to still but the irony is that she had stopped looking forward to the future. She was done with it. I think she was ready to go even though she was on 48.

Sigh.. yes I feel guilty that I couldn’t save her. But I also know I couldn’t have done anything to save her either.

Time just goes on but grief remains.

[Moon]

Hi there, thank you for responding and sharing. Maybe I should start a sentence with “sorry about your loss”, but instead can I venture a quiet “me too” , if that’s ok ?
My mother also passed away at an early age – 43. so I hear you…
Perhaps different time lines ( I was 12 ) so I might relate more to losing my father, as an adult, 24 years ago. Either way , I’m sure we might relate ?
Although my children were too young to form memories, I always spoke, almost in presence tense about their grandpa, so that they knew him.
Yes, I desire to talk about my son, always forever.
And I want to hear it’s ok, to kiss the photos on my fridge every morning, and cry in my coffee, listen to the music we loved together.
I don’t want well-meant movie distractions – not a tv person, I want something real, which I understand is difficult for others to navigate.
Grief is scary for onlookers. I remember when my son was first diagnosed with cancer, age 10, friends just disappeared, as if we all had leprosy.
Now he’s actually passed, my few friends might think it wiser not to mention him, when all I do is think about my son constantly, 24/7.
Apologies if I have inadverntaly offended anyone, I do respect all cultures and kinds, and know I’m living on first nation land where you are not meant to mention those no longer with us. But I need to, I want this quiet connection with others…. thank you

[Author]

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