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I lost my beautiful dog Gus on May 30 just before 5:30pm I took him to the vets where he was put down. I held him in my arms as he died and it was the worst moment of my life. I have had an ache in my heart ever since that moment. it was a week before his 12th birthday. I was 16 when I brought him home and he had been with me through all the hard times I had ever faced. I feel so lost without him. Being his human was a huge part of my identity, I don’t know how to be or what to do without him to take care of. I miss him so much.
It has nearly been 2 months and I feel like although I cry less frequently, the pain is just as intense. I feel guilty for putting him down, maybe I should have tried harder to understand what was going on with him, maybe I should have kept him with me for one more night but at the same time I feel that this would have been selfish of me to keep him alive any longer because I know he was suffering. As much as I wanted more time with him, he had suffered so much being unwell and in and out of the vets for 5 weeks. He had lost the use of his back legs the day before he died, he was completely incontinent and was panting almost constantly. He had nt been himself for weeks. I missed him so much even before he died.
I hate walking on the beach now because he isnt running up beside me. I hate sleeping at night without hearing his deep and often very noisy breathing. I have been away from home for work since only 10 days after his death and I am so fearful of going home soon because he isnt going to be there to greet me. I miss him so so much and I feel so many things – sad, confused, angry, anxious, empty. I just don’t know what to do.
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