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Dad was diagnosed with a rare type of stage 4 lung cancer towards the end of 2019. He was hospitalized for what we thought would be a short stay on the 22nd of December 2021. He was becoming delirious with extreme lethargy. Because it was near Christmas, a lot of the hospital staff were in and out for holiday leave. I know it was none of their faults. They tried their best to make sure they did everything for dad. They thought it was sodium-related. They also questioned whether the metastatic parts of cancer had spread further again, possibly to his brain. Mum was the only one allowed to see him in person until he went quietly on the 27th. We were going to see the home team of the oncology doctors that morning. But the nurse said that when she went to check on him at around 12am, he was no longer breathing.
I feel so guilty for not seeing him more. There’s so much that I wanted to say to him. Us kids were so busy with work or school, and then driving mum to hospital every day after the 22nd that we didn’t have time to buy dad a Christmas gift. One of his last coherent sentences was ‘Did the kids not buy me anything?’. I miss dad so much.
Tonight I drove an hour or so to the hospital where he died. I sat in the car park across the road and cried. I’ve been trying so hard this past month to do normal things and to stay occupied. I called BeyondBlue and they said to check this site out.
I really miss him. I know I’m luckier than a lot of people. I knew that the chances of him walking me down the aisle and holding my future kids would be slim after the diagnosis. I knew that I wouldn’t have him there for when I would graduate from all the other degrees I wanted to study in. I knew it was going to be hard losing him. But I thought he’d be able to pass at home, it was what we were going to go and discuss on the morning of the 27th.
I’m so sad he died alone in a room so far from home. I know the hospital did everything they could.
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