Alone, limited support

[dpowell3840]

Hi everyone
I have never done this before. I am desperate . 17 years ago I watched my father pass away from a 11 year battle with cancer. I had no friends to support me. Less than 4 months ago I unexpectedly watched my Mum pass away. It was sudden but not sudden.

I am struggling at the moment. My friends are too busy or don’t want to know. I have tried to reach out to people but no one has responded. I am not partnered, no kids. People that are in my life are too busy or don’t want to talk about death. I am not even 40 years old.

I just don’t know what to do. I am seeing a psychologist but due to lockdown, appointments, work, etc I haven’t seen her nearly two months and earliest I can see her is 30th June.

Topic

[dpowell3840]

Hi @Bugsy
I did what I could. I am just hating this feeling I have over me. I hope you get to have a good weekend

[Bugsy]

That would make Fridays very difficult. I hope you are being kind to yourself and make time for some pampering.

[dpowell3840]

Hi @bugsy
Thank you for messaging me. Hope you are going alright. To be honest, not going so well today. Feeling as though I am moving but not moving. The world is moving around me. I am working this weekend, from home, so that’s something at least. Friday’s I have decided I either don’t like or it’s bittersweet – my parents both died on a Friday, my Dad at 4.45pm and my mother at 7.34pm.

[Bugsy]

Hi, I thought I’d check in to see how you are going?

[dpowell3840]

Hi @gl-friend That is the same experience that I am having with majority of my friends. I am doing a somewhat of a detox of social media (Mainly just staying off Facebook – deactivated my account) and the amount of people that haven’t contacted me, is incredible. A few I am in daily contact throughout the day but majority of them, have heard from them once. My “best friend” called me the other day when I was at work, I didn’t answer the call and I didn’t reply straight away, only today, well yesterday as it’s after midnight now. Apologised for not getting back. SHe was like, all good, just wanted to say hope your ok. When I said I was getting there, she was like, thats great and then that was it.

My Dad was my best friend, we did everything together. 17 years since he has been gone. I just look at people with their parents and think they are so lucky. Once they are gone, that’s it. People may disown people for whatever reason, and I get that, but once the other person can’t respond back, it’s too late. There is always a chance. Once it’s gone, it’s gone. You are so true, some days are harder than others. For me, at the moment, the pain is so hard. I am sure that the moments you had with your Mum until she passed were some memorable ones.

[GL friend]

Hi @dpowell3840
I can relate to feeling like nobody is really there for you. It is hard to make genuine adult friendships. My friends are busy with their own lives. If i msg someone, they will give me a one word response or not really hang around as long as i want.

My mum was my best friend and i think i missed out on making quality friendships growing up. Its been several years since she passed but I still struggle. Some days are harder than others but i try to accept that this is the way of grief.

[dpowell3840]

Oh most definitely. Sometimes you need to hear it from someone else for it to resignate or something. It’s a strange feeling and then when it hits home it’s incredible and emotional.

[Bugsy]

Thanks for your lovely comments. Isn’t it strange that a stranger writes a song/poem/story and it can resonate so well. It’s an amazing gift they give to us all.

[dpowell3840]

Hello Bugsy. Sorry to hear about your Dad. My Dad died 17 years ago, we did everything together. I had more of a connection/bond with him than my Mum. I have my moments 17 years on about him, even harder with Mum gone, 4 months today since Mum went to sleep. There’s a line from one of my favourite band’s songs and it is so true… “Life goes on, as if it never ends, eyes of stone, observe the trends…” The first bit is so damn true. You get angry and upset of when it happens. You are like, why can’t they stop like me. It’s all those moments, I need to tell….then it hits you when damn, you know that you can’t. I’ll have to look up that poem. I am on instagram and before the loss of my Mum, I looked at all those quotes of anxiety, etc, which I have already. Ever since Mum went, I have looked at the grief ones and all, to try and help me get the words out of what I am feeling. If you are on instagram, search some tags. They can be really good as well. The moments will always be there.

[Bugsy]

That sounds like a lot. It’s great that you have reached out, both here and getting on the wait-list for grief counselling.

When my dad died, for me the colour of everything changed. It was made worse when it seemed that other people were carrying on as usual while I was facing never having a hug from my dad again. His loss really hit me about three months afterwards when I read something and thought “my dad would love this” and suddenly realised that I could never tell him. He died nearly four years ago and, while I still miss him, the moments of feeling deep loss have lessoned…although I still have moments when a favourite piece of music of his will come on and I’ll weep, it can be quite cathartic. The famous Auden poem, “Stop All the Clocks” sums it up for me and sometimes I’ll read it just to have a good cry.

Please keep sharing with us, we’ll listen.

[Author]

Replies