2 questions about coping with my pet’s loss about guilt and betrayal.

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Tagged: Guilt Betrayal Living Life

This topic has 6 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 9 months, 1 week ago by abc01.

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June 8, 2024 at 8:39 am #31163

abc01
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Hello,
My cat was killed nearly 3 weeks ago and I have daily struggles on how to cope and calm my mind.

Yesterday night I was watching a tv show I engaged with for the first time since his death. I felt relaxed,I wasn’t thinking about my grief and even had a small smile on my face. When I realised that my whole body dropped and my mind went off in a cycle of betrayal and guilt. I know I can’t punish myself for being alive or even finding a moment of calm amongst the storm, but my anxiety has other ideas. I know my beloved cat doesn’t want me to be devastated all the time and be the “me” he always loved. But how to tell that to my mind that never wanted him to die like that or was robbed of at least 10 more years together. I know I need to “self love” myself,but it equates to betrayal and being disloyal to him. And I have a massive values,ethics and beliefs in loyalty. Sometimes to my own detriment.

1. How can I balance my thoughts about feeling “normal” in a moment when I am not okay with his death or him not being here on earth with me anymore?

2. How can I deal with the rush of adrenaline that surges through my body,the first thing when I wake up in the morning? It has happened every day since his death. It can sometimes be painful as it doesn’t release. And my mind reeling of a morning doesn’t help either.

Thank you for any advice you can give.
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June 19, 2024 at 6:55 pm #31349

abc01
Participant

Thank you @VM-Ceas15,
Your words were very much needed today.
My daily life has been so intwined with his that I find alot of things extremely difficult to do on a daily basis. I think that is what alot of people don’t understand about a loss of your pet/family. They are part of the life you chose to live. So when they are gone,your whole life changes too.
The longing is the hardest right now. I just want to see him again. I just want it to be a bad dream. I am going to mourn and grieve for him how I like.
I will look after myself. No one else will if I don’t.
So thank you, because today when I read this,some of it resonated with me and reached me.
ABC01

June 19, 2024 at 2:07 pm #31337

VM-Ceas15
Participant

Hi @abc01,

I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved cat. It’s clear how much he meant to you and the deep bond you shared. Losing a pet in such a sudden and tragic way is incredibly painful, especially when they brought so much joy and comfort into your life.

Your feelings of pain, grief, sadness, guilt, and anger are completely normal and valid. It’s natural to feel overwhelmed by these emotions, especially when your daily life is so intertwined with your cat. Finding his body and having to cope with that trauma adds another layer to your grief, making it even harder to process and move forward.

It’s good to hear that you’re connecting with your psychologist and have people in your life who understand and support you through this loss. Reaching out for support and consuming resources like grief pages and podcasts can be helpful steps in navigating this difficult time.

The physical symptoms you’re experiencing, like tension and grinding your teeth, are common responses to intense grief and stress. It’s important to be gentle with yourself and recognize that it’s okay to feel this way. Trying to maintain some semblance of your routine and taking care of basic needs like eating and sleeping are important steps, even if they feel like a struggle right now.

Grieving is a process, and it’s okay to take it one day at a time. Allow yourself to feel the emotions as they come, and give yourself permission to mourn in your own way and at your own pace. Your sweet boy may no longer be physically with you, but the love and memories you shared will always be a part of you.

Thank you for sharing your story with us. Please continue to lean on your support network and professional help. Your feelings are important, and your journey through grief is a testament to the deep love you had for your cat.

June 18, 2024 at 10:26 am #31289

VM-RedCat24
Participant

Hi @abc01,

I can’t imagine the pain that you must be going through and, unfortunately, there is no ‘quick fix’ to alleviate that feeling of guilt or grief. But as you’ve said, it is not your fault. I know the grief is so overwhelming and painful right now, but it won’t feel like this forever. I do hope that those happy memories with your lovely boy will continue to shine through.

It sounds like you are doing things to protect yourself in seeing your GP and I’m glad that you are trying the mindfulness breathing. Although you mention sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t, I hope those ‘sometimes it does’ times bring some peace for you. Please continue to reach out here or call the helpline on 1300 845 745. Perhaps in those moments when your grief is feeling devastating and hopeless, it may help to speak to somebody.

Be kind to yourself, you are not alone.

June 15, 2024 at 12:02 pm #31267

abc01
Participant

Dear @Vm-bluesky & @VM-RedCat24,

Thank you for your responses. It feels like I understand both points of view on feeling the grief & the need for my mind to take a break/doing a routine, but it can feel like betrayal. There is the physical, mental and emotional side to it.
At the moment I am consumed by the events that have happened and everything is quite hopeless and devastating. In a very sad way,his death was pointless. Nobody else is suffering for what happened but me and my cat. There is no justice for the other peoples actions that led to the death of my boy. I can’t find comfort in closure,because he didn’t get to live the long life he deserved or I wanted with him. I protected him everyday,but that one moment happened on normal day like any other and he is gone. I don’t know how to not feel guilt about it,even if it wasn’t my fault.

I have seen my GP about my adrenaline and we have some options to follow.I also try to do mindfulness breathing. Sometimes it helps,sometimes not.

I hope that in time, the happy memories and love I do feel with shine through. But it can’t change the pain of reality.

Thank you for talking to me.
ABC01

June 12, 2024 at 8:12 pm #31202

VM-RedCat24
Participant

Hi @abc01,

Thank you for sharing your story and I am so sorry to hear about your loss of your lovely cat. It sounds like you have an incredibly strong bond with him and that the love was felt from both sides.

It is completely normal, when we loose a pet, to have feelings of guilt when you start to integrate your grief into everyday life and start enjoying things again. But as you said, your cat wouldn’t want you to be devastated but be the ‘you’ that he loved. Tt’s great that you are able to recognise you need self love. Perhaps, instead of seeing this as a betrayal, you could reframe it as looking after yourself, as he would want you to.

Unfortunately there is no ‘cure’ nor a correct way to grieve, but there are certainly things you can try, and see what works best for you. Some people find it helpful to create connections with the pet they’ve lost as a way to continue on and grow their lives around the grief. This could include talking to the pet out loud with things you wished you’d said, journaling your thoughts and feelings, or enjoying things that you previously did together – such as a tv show. Perhaps these may help with that balance between your ‘normal’ and your grief reaction.

I have included a link below that I thought might interest you, when you feel ready please feel free to have a look:

Losing a Pet

I wonder if you have spoken to your GP in regards to the pain you have been feeling? Some people find practicing mindfulness, such as breathing exercises or meditation, helpful when the feelings of grief are overwhelming. I wonder if you would be open to trying this when the adrenaline rush occurs?

I have included a link below with some information and resources for mindfulness techniques:

Mindfulness for Grief

Please take care of yourself and reach out when you need. Sharing your story and talking about your lovely cat is important and we are here to listen, when you are ready.

June 12, 2024 at 4:42 pm #31200

VM-bluesky
Participant

I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your dear pet. What you are experiencing is quite normal – our minds tend to be in one of two modes: either grieving, or getting on with some of life’s routines. The latter gives our minds a break from the grieving, but grief comes in waves and our minds tend to oscillate between the two modes. Its normal to feel guilt when we recognise we have momentarily stopped thinking about our loss, but over time our grief journey will help us process the loss and focus more on the joyful times we had with our loved one – our minds end up spending more time in the “getting on” mode.

You may find some Griefline resources helpful: https://griefline.org.au/resources/, in particular https://griefline.org.au/resources/losing-a-pet/. Please also consider giving the Helpline a call to talk about your loss.

Mindfulness techniques like https://griefline.org.au/resources/mindfulness-for-grief/ may help with the adrenaline, but if you are concerned please speak to your G.P.
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2 questions about coping with my pet’s loss about guilt and betrayal.

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