Reply To: Pre-grieving Mum (fear of death)

[cnma]

My dad was in palliative care for five years with a brain tumour. We were told he could die any moment. So we waited; never knowing when it was coming.
Watching him deteriorate was incredibly cruel, because he became someone we didn’t recognise. I feel for you, I really do. Having the time to mourn before she passes is okay. It gives you that bit of space to breathe, to know it’s coming.
You may not know when it happens. You may not even be there when she does.
I sat with my father when he had a death rattle all night. He would not pass. It was like he was waiting until we left the room, which I’ve been told often happens.
We were so tired we went home and he passed not even an hour after we left.
I felt miserable and wish I never left him, at the same time seeing how much he was suffering made it a relief he wasn’t anymore.
It’s okay to mourn your mum, because she isn’t the mum she used to be. You’re mourning a change in person, you’re mourning how things have rattled your life.

Try not to get hooked onto feeling like you should be feeling this or that. What you’re going through is painful, traumatising and horrible.
If someone tells you that you should be grateful you have the chance to say goodbye, it does NOT negate your feelings. You don’t need to feel guilty.
I was hysterical when my dad was diagnosed. I felt like I should spend every minute with him till he passed, but we can’t do that. We can’t drop every single thing. We can only do what we can, and that’s more than good enough because you’re trying your best.
When she passes, you will feel so many different things. There’s nothing wrong with being numb, or bawling, or screaming, or breaking things or not being able to get up and do things. Give yourself time, patience and compassion. Find people who can be there for you.
You can and will get through this.
And when things start to get better don’t expect you’ll “get over it” because you never will. You shouldn’t and definitely don’t have to.
You’ll find a way to do small things to honour her, like listen to her favourite music even if it makes you cry. If you have children you can teach them things she thought you. You could pick up one of her hobbies and teach yourself.

It will all be okay. Not today or tomorrow, or even the next few months. But eventually you’ll be okay.