Pre-grieving Mum (fear of death)

[cthe3]

Hi,
I’m new to the forums so apologies if I’m doing the wrong thing.
My mum is in palliative care right now: they say she has 1-3 months left. I know I should be grateful that I still have her in my life, but I’m struggling to cope with the impending death.
She is getting weaker and sicker as I watch, and has already organised VAD (voluntary assisted dying) for when things get too bad.
I can’t shake the Depression. I want to be there for her but I’m so tired and scattered all the time; unable to cry and then bawling; struggling with grief as if she’d already gone. I’ve always been afraid of dying and wonder if that fear is driving my breakdown? I know my Mum doesn’t believe in an afterlife so that makes me nervous too.

How did people cope in the leadup to death (if they did have warning)? If I’m this much of a mess now I’m worried I’ll either be hysterical or numb when she actually dies. Neither is good.

Topic

[vmladybug]

Hi cthe3, thank you for reaching out through the griefline forum.

I’m sorry to hear of the news of your mother, whilst losing our parents is something that everyone goes through at some point in their life this doesn’t make it an easy process.

It sounds like this is bringing up a lot of emotions for you, please remember this is normal and no one experiences grief in quite the same way. Im wondering if you have reached out to any services for assistance in the management of some of these feelings?

I feel it important to also remind you that you have no reason to feel guilty for struggling to cope.

I wonder whether there are any things you can think of that you and your mother could do together in her finals months to honour your relationship? This could be specific to something you both like, or something more simple like spending an afternoon together making a scrapbook.

Whilst the process of death is never easy, making the most of your final months together might aid you in her passing.

You’re doing a fantastic job and I’m sure your mum is so grateful to have you.

[leighstott]

Enjoy every second, minute, hour, day and month. Tell her everything you want to say. Tell her you love her a thousand times. Hug her a million times. Spend as much time with her as you can. I lost both of my parent’s suddenly late last year and I didn’t get to say goodbye. You have time now so enjoy and relish every moment and your Mum will be forever grateful for that. Thinking of you and your beautiful Mum.

[rmj1967]

I am going through a similar situation as you with my Mum and feel your fear and pain.

It is torturous watching your Mum deteriorate and palliative and I too have already started grieving and she is still here. You can say a thousand times “at least I get this time with her” but it doesn’t help watching someone you love slowly die and then try and deal with the grief of that. I cry all the time and am scared for my own health as some days I feel like I’m going to bust open, I’m so freaking sad. I’m so emotionally and mentally exhausted. I suffer panic disorder and anxiety, so I’m constantly getting myself into a state thinking how I am going to cope with her funeral when I can’t even cope now, when she is still here. Am I going to collapse, am I going to have a massive panic attack, how am I going to cope in that situation? It’s a nightmare!

I think for people to try and shame you for “not enjoying the time you have or saying be greatful you get to say goodbye” is wrong! It is equally heart wrenching watching someone suffer every day and feeling the guilt of wanting them to just go and be at peace, as it losing someone suddenly.

[rmj1967]

I am going through a similar situation as you with my Mum and feel your fear and pain.

It is torturous watching your Mum deteriorate and palliative and I too have already started grieving and she is still here. You can say a thousand times “at least I get this time with her” but it doesn’t help watching someone you love slowly die and then try and deal with the grief of that. I cry all the time and am scared for my own health as some days I feel like I’m going to bust open, I’m so freaking sad. I’m so emotionally and mentally exhausted. I suffer panic disorder and anxiety, so I’m constantly getting myself into a state thinking how I am going to cope with her funeral when I can’t even cope now, when she is still here. Am I going to collapse, am I going to have a massive panic attack, how am I going to cope in that situation? It’s a nightmare!

I think for people to try and shame you for “not enjoying the time you have or saying be grateful you get to say goodbye” is wrong! It is equally heart wrenching watching someone suffer every day and feeling the guilt of wanting them to just go and be at peace, as it losing someone suddenly.

[vmterry]

I am sorry to hear about your mother’s situation and the difficult emotions you are experiencing. It is completely normal to feel overwhelmed and to have a range of feelings during this difficult time. Grief can manifest in many ways, and everyone’s experience is unique. It can be helpful to give yourself permission to feel however you need to and to reach out for support from family, friends, and professionals. It’s also important to remember that it’s okay to take time for yourself to process your feelings and to take care of your own emotional and physical well-being.

[cnma]

My dad was in palliative care for five years with a brain tumour. We were told he could die any moment. So we waited; never knowing when it was coming.
Watching him deteriorate was incredibly cruel, because he became someone we didn’t recognise. I feel for you, I really do. Having the time to mourn before she passes is okay. It gives you that bit of space to breathe, to know it’s coming.
You may not know when it happens. You may not even be there when she does.
I sat with my father when he had a death rattle all night. He would not pass. It was like he was waiting until we left the room, which I’ve been told often happens.
We were so tired we went home and he passed not even an hour after we left.
I felt miserable and wish I never left him, at the same time seeing how much he was suffering made it a relief he wasn’t anymore.
It’s okay to mourn your mum, because she isn’t the mum she used to be. You’re mourning a change in person, you’re mourning how things have rattled your life.

Try not to get hooked onto feeling like you should be feeling this or that. What you’re going through is painful, traumatising and horrible.
If someone tells you that you should be grateful you have the chance to say goodbye, it does NOT negate your feelings. You don’t need to feel guilty.
I was hysterical when my dad was diagnosed. I felt like I should spend every minute with him till he passed, but we can’t do that. We can’t drop every single thing. We can only do what we can, and that’s more than good enough because you’re trying your best.
When she passes, you will feel so many different things. There’s nothing wrong with being numb, or bawling, or screaming, or breaking things or not being able to get up and do things. Give yourself time, patience and compassion. Find people who can be there for you.
You can and will get through this.
And when things start to get better don’t expect you’ll “get over it” because you never will. You shouldn’t and definitely don’t have to.
You’ll find a way to do small things to honour her, like listen to her favourite music even if it makes you cry. If you have children you can teach them things she thought you. You could pick up one of her hobbies and teach yourself.

It will all be okay. Not today or tomorrow, or even the next few months. But eventually you’ll be okay.

[Author]

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