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Pre-grieving Mum (fear of death)

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Home Forums Loss of a loved one Pre-grieving Mum (fear of death)

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  • #24073
    cthe3
    Participant

    Hi,
    I’m new to the forums so apologies if I’m doing the wrong thing.
    My mum is in palliative care right now: they say she has 1-3 months left. I know I should be grateful that I still have her in my life, but I’m struggling to cope with the impending death.
    She is getting weaker and sicker as I watch, and has already organised VAD (voluntary assisted dying) for when things get too bad.
    I can’t shake the Depression. I want to be there for her but I’m so tired and scattered all the time; unable to cry and then bawling; struggling with grief as if she’d already gone. I’ve always been afraid of dying and wonder if that fear is driving my breakdown? I know my Mum doesn’t believe in an afterlife so that makes me nervous too.

    How did people cope in the leadup to death (if they did have warning)? If I’m this much of a mess now I’m worried I’ll either be hysterical or numb when she actually dies. Neither is good.

Viewing 5 replies - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
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  • #24082
    vmladybug
    Participant

    Hi cthe3, thank you for reaching out through the griefline forum.

    I’m sorry to hear of the news of your mother, whilst losing our parents is something that everyone goes through at some point in their life this doesn’t make it an easy process.

    It sounds like this is bringing up a lot of emotions for you, please remember this is normal and no one experiences grief in quite the same way. Im wondering if you have reached out to any services for assistance in the management of some of these feelings?

    I feel it important to also remind you that you have no reason to feel guilty for struggling to cope.

    I wonder whether there are any things you can think of that you and your mother could do together in her finals months to honour your relationship? This could be specific to something you both like, or something more simple like spending an afternoon together making a scrapbook.

    Whilst the process of death is never easy, making the most of your final months together might aid you in her passing.

    You’re doing a fantastic job and I’m sure your mum is so grateful to have you.

    #24096
    leighstott
    Participant

    Enjoy every second, minute, hour, day and month. Tell her everything you want to say. Tell her you love her a thousand times. Hug her a million times. Spend as much time with her as you can. I lost both of my parent’s suddenly late last year and I didn’t get to say goodbye. You have time now so enjoy and relish every moment and your Mum will be forever grateful for that. Thinking of you and your beautiful Mum.

    #24168
    rmj1967
    Participant

    I am going through a similar situation as you with my Mum and feel your fear and pain.

    It is torturous watching your Mum deteriorate and palliative and I too have already started grieving and she is still here. You can say a thousand times “at least I get this time with her” but it doesn’t help watching someone you love slowly die and then try and deal with the grief of that. I cry all the time and am scared for my own health as some days I feel like I’m going to bust open, I’m so freaking sad. I’m so emotionally and mentally exhausted. I suffer panic disorder and anxiety, so I’m constantly getting myself into a state thinking how I am going to cope with her funeral when I can’t even cope now, when she is still here. Am I going to collapse, am I going to have a massive panic attack, how am I going to cope in that situation? It’s a nightmare!

    I think for people to try and shame you for “not enjoying the time you have or saying be greatful you get to say goodbye” is wrong! It is equally heart wrenching watching someone suffer every day and feeling the guilt of wanting them to just go and be at peace, as it losing someone suddenly.

    #24169
    rmj1967
    Participant

    I am going through a similar situation as you with my Mum and feel your fear and pain.

    It is torturous watching your Mum deteriorate and palliative and I too have already started grieving and she is still here. You can say a thousand times “at least I get this time with her” but it doesn’t help watching someone you love slowly die and then try and deal with the grief of that. I cry all the time and am scared for my own health as some days I feel like I’m going to bust open, I’m so freaking sad. I’m so emotionally and mentally exhausted. I suffer panic disorder and anxiety, so I’m constantly getting myself into a state thinking how I am going to cope with her funeral when I can’t even cope now, when she is still here. Am I going to collapse, am I going to have a massive panic attack, how am I going to cope in that situation? It’s a nightmare!

    I think for people to try and shame you for “not enjoying the time you have or saying be grateful you get to say goodbye” is wrong! It is equally heart wrenching watching someone suffer every day and feeling the guilt of wanting them to just go and be at peace, as it losing someone suddenly.

    #24194
    vmterry
    Participant

    I am sorry to hear about your mother’s situation and the difficult emotions you are experiencing. It is completely normal to feel overwhelmed and to have a range of feelings during this difficult time. Grief can manifest in many ways, and everyone’s experience is unique. It can be helpful to give yourself permission to feel however you need to and to reach out for support from family, friends, and professionals. It’s also important to remember that it’s okay to take time for yourself to process your feelings and to take care of your own emotional and physical well-being.

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