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I feel your pain and extend my deepest condolences on your loss. Losing a child is one of the hardest losses to bear, especially when it happens unexpectedly.
I can sense your strength – moving towns and starting a new job are challenging things to do in normal circumstances, let alone after such a traumatic loss, yet you pulled together to do it for the sake of your other children and yourself, and you are choosing to stay strong. You have also found the strength to open up and express your grief here. That is another brave thing to do.
As the first anniversary of your loss approaches, it will understandably get harder. It may be why you are feeling everything even more keenly despite the steps you have taken thus far. Just thinking in terms of ‘my loved one’s first death anniversary’ is terrible and shocking, and it can bring it all back. I speak from experience.
Please know that this is an expected and natural part of the grief journey. Anniversaries, especially the first, and other significant dates in your family, can be harder and more challenging times than usual. But you will get through them.
Though it feels like you are drowning in sadness right now, you have actually taken a step towards helping yourself in reaching out here. You may find it further helpful to make a plan to navigate through your grief at this time. This can help bring some structure to reduce the overwhelm, as you continue adjusting to this new reality.
This may be a plan perhaps for some self-care, or perhaps to do something to honour Shanti’s memory. It can be something as simple as lighting a candle in her memory, or something else that you feel is appropriate. You know best.
We, as a community, are here for you, and are holding you in our thoughts. Please reach out again to let us know how you are getting on. Till then, take care.