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Hello @avey,
I lost my dad quite a few years ago, but it was very sudden and traumatic – and I can relate to your mum in this too, mine could not cope with what had happened and she withdrew from the family for a number of years. I can only imagine how hard this is for you right now, and I (along with everyone else here, I am sure) am reaching out to welcome you to this space. This is a safe place to share your pain and loss, as it’s the one thing we all share in common.
Grief and loss can be so painful to deal with and that physical feeling you describe is not uncommon, it’s perfectly normal to struggle with this. Over time it might not get easier, but our ability to carry it and our inner strengths can rise to meet it, if we give ourselves the best chance to do so. I know for me I was paralysed for months with a sense of guilt, as I had been overseas for several years before I lost my dad. I told myself I had robbed both myself and him of the chance to connect and spend those last years together, and so much more. It took me a while to realise that being kind to myself was the start of accepting and growing my strength. This page on the griefline site talks about that, and can possibly help you: https://griefline.org.au/resources/grief-recovery-part-2-recognise-and-engage-your-strengths/
The most important thing I can say right now is to reach out. Reach out to Griefline and talk to the volunteer support staff there, who are available to help you and share this space with you so you’re not alone. Reach out in this forum, to the others who’ve experienced losses and who are here to share your pain and put their virtual arms around you. Don’t close off or be alone – and don’t be afraid to come here, every day, and tell us how you’re going. That’s what this forum is for.
Take care of yourself, and come back soon.