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My boyfriend died suddenly on July 26th 2022. He wasn’t just my partner, he was my person. We had known each other for over 20 years, we actually were made of honour and best man at my sisters wedding 22 years ago. But our lives only joined together romantically in the last year. He would often say that we had our own paths and journeys to take before we could be together. He died 2 weeks after my 40th birthday, he had planned a surprise party with my sister and it was amazing. A room filled with all my loved ones and my person, it almost felt like our wedding. We had planned to be married, I had asked him, and we had a future together to look forward to. He was healthy and had just been for a run when he had a massive heart attack. He was on facetime with his daughter at the time which breaks my heart. I get along well with his 3 children, but now this new journey of navigating without him is extremely hard. The shock lasted a few months, and now I feel like most people who supported me initially have ‘dropped off’ as they have their own lives to live. I feel lost, lonely, uncertain, scared and a constant sadness. I think of him in the good moments, bad moments and every moment in between. I cry in all these moments, that he is missing out on doing the things with me, that I am missing out doing the things with him, and that life is worse without him in it. I am trying to do the resources, but I am little sick of hearing that life may be better after having a loss. And that there is a listen in this, but all I can see is a future of constantly missing him and having a constant heaviness that I will have to carry. I have left my career that I had always been passionate and motivated about, I have turned my back on my spiritual beliefs because they don’t make sense to me now, and I prefer to stay at home and do jigsaw puzzles than going out and being with people. I am not normally a negative person but loosing my lover, best friend, my person has shaken me to the core of my existence.