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Hello Indigo115,
Thank you for sharing your experience here and the depth and honesty in which you did so!
It certainly sounds like you’ve been through a lot and I hope that reaching out here and writing provides you with some comfort or support. While of course I can’t tell you what to do to stop the pain, I can say that in reading your story here you clearly sound like a kind and loving person, who was there for your mother in the end despite the difficult experiences you share of being excluded and misrepresented. I wonder if any of the other services available here via Griefline might be supportive for you being able to continue to hear your voice heard, as you wrote that you didn’t have a voice in a lot of the situations with your family of origin members. Despite that, you also write of your mother expressing that she loved you and, once again, you were there with her at the time you write about and I imagine she would have known and felt your presence.
For me, when I first heard the following quote, it really resonated with me. Please, if it does not resonate with your personal experience, discard it, but I do find that when we share our grief with others who are willing and open to walk, talk and share in those depths together, we do find a family of logical and meaningful supports –
“Sooner or later, though, no matter where in the world we live, we must join the diaspora, venturing beyond our biological family to find our logical one, the one that actually makes sense for us. We have to, if we are to live without squandering our lives.” ― Armistead Maupin, Logical Family: A Memoir
All the very best to you and please write more here, if/when you find it supportive in any way/s.