Reply To: How to navigate Early Grief, Lost my 6 year old daughter 3 weeks ago.

[grievingmum]

Dear Deb,
Your words speak to my heart. I understand completely everything you are saying. Your home sound like an oasis.. I picture it being very idyllic. We used to be similar in our interests, always outside, we had built a frog pond, and had tadpoles right before Scout died (that’s my girl.) Now none of us want to go out there. It sits unloved and over grown. It all hurts too much. We are all so sad and empty.
The pain is never ending, and I’m actually tired of myself and the person I am now. But nothing can ever change. It’s so hard to explain to someone who hasn’t lived it, but there is no changing this. No accepting it. I don’t know myself. I used to feel joy and optimism, but now that’s impossible. So what is left? I completely relate, we too are zombies going through the motions.
I sometimes remember how it felt to cuddle her in her room, and how everything in the world felt right and at peace. I will never feel that again.
We have also lost friends, who I thought of as family. I am not sad about it, more of a burning anger, because my little girl deserved better than for people to turn away because its “too sad”. These people only need to turn their thoughts to it for short time, and then get to go back to their own whole lives.. but they cant even spare us a thought because it’s too uncomfortable for them to face. Did we get that choice? No. We face it day in, day out. I have no patience for that weakness in character.
I have also gained friends from unlikely places that came together in chaos, at a time when we needed people to help us. It has bonded us together in a way that can never be torn apart. I am blessed to know them, and have them around me. They listen, patiently, to my repetitive draining sadness, they let me feel what I need to. They have helped us survive. I feel so lucky to have them. I hope that you gather your people to you too. They are there.
I know exactly what you mean, there are no maps for how we go on. When my brain goes to the future, I can’t understand or see anything. It’s not enough that we have lost the sunshine in our lives, that we miss her every day, but that we are now outsiders from society. It’s also hard to care though.
I know you said before you weren’t ready to open up yet about how Sayge died, but I hope in time you will. There are so many layers and complexities to this deep grief and trauma. For me, it’s not just that Scout died, but the years of pain she endured before she did.
I’m thinking of you and sending love, my sister in grief.