Work has felt more normal during the last 2 days. Starting the day with a ride gives a sense of reality and is a good thing to do. Yesterday I found myself crying as I rode my bike. Not a bad thing. The day was as good as I have had, however, once back at home things started to fall back to sadness. Eddie and I argued about some minor things, he was feeling unwell and disclosed that since our counselling session, he has had some moments of reflection and I assume, some sadness. I am really worried about going to Adelaide this Friday as plans for Edward staying overnight have slipped through. He wants to stay home by himself and I am ok with that provided I know that he has someone else here with him. I didn’t go to the Church meeting last night, not sure that it is going to be for me, in fact, going to church has made me feel sadder.
I am looking forward to joining the grief support group next month. There has been small, but discernible change to the way that I am feeling. Sleeping is still a massive issue as I am finding myself waking before 12:00am and then really struggle to get back to sleep. Probably need some more help from Dr Steve.
Probably also important to reach out to people, the phone calls have stalled and it seems like it is going to be up to me to make the contact. This is understandable because people are moving on. Yesterday I found myself talking to Josie. I would like to be able to do that without the tears. Interesting email from Jan about how my writing has bought back memories for her. Projecting my grief onto her has not been a good thing and I respect and understand this. Today was the first day that I didn’t cry at work.Edward (14) was really angry at me last night. It is the first time since Josie’s death that he has expressed such deep anger. I think I handled it well. In the end he broke down into heavy tears, he has been fighting them for some time. I hugged him and gave as much comfort as I could, Josie would have been pleased, I think.