Dear @sivi, I am sorry it has taken some time for you to receive a response here on the forums and my heart is with you as you deal with the loss of your beloved mum. We are glad that you are here and hope we can provide some support now and over the coming days, weeks and months as you traverse your unique grief journey.
It sounds like your mum meant so much to you. When we lose our parents we often feel very vulnerable – like ‘we’ve lost our rudder’ as you so perfectly put it. And it makes little difference whether they were unwell or living with dementia. Your mum gave you life, she nurtured you as a child, created the attachment you are finding it hard to be without and continued to give you strength until her passing. She’s been such an integral part of your being – so it’s understandable that you’re feeling lost and alone and there is really no need to feel embarrassed. Its important to practice self-compassion at this time. Be kind to you just as you would be to someone else in your position.
It sounds like its been a challenging 15 years as you watched your mum battle dementia. Caring for and loving someone who is ill often becomes part of our identity so when they pass we not only lose our loved one but also a part of our identity and we need to grieve both. You may also have been experiencing anticipatory grief – a type of grief often felt by people whose loved ones have long-term, chronic illnesses. The article on our website ‘experiences of grief’ discusses this kind of grief and may give you some supportive information;
I also wanted to give you the link to our article ‘tips for rest and relaxation’ which provides some helpful strategies for practicing self-compassion and self-care.
@sivi – we hope you’ll continue posting here on the forums. We are here for you. 🌸