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Hi @jamie62, thank you for sharing your story, which has really moved me. Your words are such a powerful expression of what unimaginable grief feels like. You have actually articulated what many people would struggle to say. Is writing one of your coping mechanisms? I would continue to lean into those instincts if this is the case for you. The amount of insight you have gleaned in only three weeks is actually very surprising. Often it can take people several months just to recover from the shock that you have described. Know that this insight will only serve to help you on your journey through grief, which is at its most heavy right now.
Grief is, indeed, the cost of love. Even knowing the extreme pain that the loss is causing for you now, my guess is that you would not change all that you experienced with your wife.
Mary Frances O’Connor is a neuroscientist who specialises in grief. This excerpt is from her book ‘The Grieving Brain’:
“The first one hundred times you have a wave of grief, you may think, I will never get through this, I cannot bear this. The one hundred and first time, you may think, I hate this, I don’t want this—but it is familiar, and I know I will get through this moment. Even if the feeling of grief is the same, your relationship to the feeling changes. Adopting the mindset that grieving is a form of learning, and that we are all always learning, may make the winding path of grieving more familiar and hopeful.”
She shares many other useful insights into how and why we respond to grief the way we do that may help you.
The Griefline website also offers useful resources, such as this one on understanding the symptoms of grief, and how to navigate your way through: https://griefline.org.au/resources/understanding-the-symptoms-of-grief/
Losing a partner when you have a child only makes grief all the more complicated as it comes with the pressure to feel strong enough to support them, but remember that vulnerability is a strength too. Do you have people you can lean on during this time? Please lean on them if you and know that you are always welcome to call Griefline too.
Keep writing, keep talking. We are listening.