Hi Deb, thanks for checking in. I’ve been a mess since going to church, plus it will be 6mths on Monday since I held my baby boy for the last time.
I remember falling apart like this on his birthday in March, then again on Mother’s day.
I also made the mistake of running out of my panic attack meds, and of course couldn’t leave the house.
I ended up calling griefline and chatted with a lovely lady for an hour. She helped me refocus the church setting, remember all the fun times he had there at youth group instead. We talked about my version of spirituality and she encouraged me to keep looking for all the little signs he sends me, which he most definately does.
But I want him here and it’s impossible to fathom never touching him, hearing his laugh, having long convos, sharing music, anything, ever again.
The days seem futile, the silence is deafening, and the winter nights just make my broken spirit feel even colder.
I’ve let go of any expectations of support from others, their lives roll along, whereas mine stands still. Although my loneliness is heavy, I can’t say I really want to hear about what’s going in their lives, with their sons, when mine should be doing the same stuff with them.
When I was talking with the counsellor she wasn’t aware of the huge gap in support there is for grieving parents of adult children affected by cancer. I miss Redkite. She suggested I create my own forum, but I’m a tech dinosaur. But I know that from now on, I can only truly relate to others who understand, I don’t belong anywhere else xxx