Buried my son on xmas eve

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  • #20111
    Moon
    Participant

    Hello fellow community in mourning, I’m reaching out to other parents who have experienced the loss of a child, in the hope of shared support.
    The waiting list for counselling is so long, I’m drowning in sorrow meantime.
    I may not be able to offer much just yet as I’m deeply depressed but can promise to listen and empathise with each and all of your stories.

    To introduce myself, I am a mother of 4 (now 3) adult children. Recent empty-nester, was already struggling with the loneliness that entails.
    My nickname is Jezza, as that is how my friends’ called my 19yr old son Jeremy, who died on the 20th Dec just passed.

    Yes his death was unexpected, but we have all lived the last 9 years with baited breath as he experienced so many struggles in his short life, almost half of which was spent in and out of Westmead Childrens, more recently St Vincents’ Hospital. I’ll share a recap:

    My son was diagnosed with leukaemia when he was 10 yrs old. Had 18 months of intense chemo, total body irradiation, but sadly relapsed so needed a bone marrow transplant, which his twin sister was a good match for. Developped gvhd (rejection) of the lungs, needed to go on the transplant list. Gratefully had a double lung transplant last January, his health improved amazingly. Got back into skating, got a job, even his first girlfriend ! He was feeling so good, got sick of taking 30 meds per day, missed a couple for a day or two, thought he could catch up, but the rejection process of his new lungs was unstoppable and he died within 3 weeks. This was not meant to happen !!

    I’m really struggling with all the emotions that come with grief, coupled with longstanding depression being bipolar. One of the hardest is ‘mummy guilt’, wishing I could have prevented this. Insert swear words, covid meant less check-ups, hospital support and prevented me from visiting him and his twin sister. I could only hand home-cooked meals (as mums do) over the balcony. If, the forever, if ?!, he’d been living at home with me still, I could have supervised his medication maybe, but he was always so very diligent in taking them, no-one suspected he’d ever skip a few…?

    I want to support my daughter (just quietly – wished she moved back home) but she needs her space. She just moved from their shared apartment to a share house. She dropped off Jeremy’s clothes recently. Buried my head in them on their birthday last week. I sob all day long, it’s exhausting.

    From all my years in hospital, I find the best comfort with others who have similar experiences, so here’s hoping my story connects with someone. Thank you for listening XX

Viewing 10 replies - 91 through 100 (of 110 total)
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  • #20438
    VM-Sunflower
    Participant

    Hi Jezza,

    Well done on being courageous and meeting up with your friend. That is a big step.
    Its also so generous of you to lean into other conversations on the forum and share with us from the wisdom of your pain.

    #20436
    Moon
    Participant

    Hi Sunflower (and all here) thank you for the ocean songs, exactly where I wish I was right now, sitting beside my son, his twin sister and his two elder brothers.
    I can visualise it in my head, as we’d planned to a hire a houseboat long ago. I’ll just have to fall back on past memories, which are so bittersweet.
    Tomorrow it will be 4 months since I last held my baby boy in my arms…. oh how I miss him so. I want to go back in time please.
    I’ve been sobbing on and off all day, as everyday, but today when I went to put on his clothes, his smell had disappeared and I feel yet another layer of loss.
    I’m going to have to be extra mindful for the little signs he sends me, I’ll take anything, so yes, I’ll be sitting on my deck tonight waiting for my faithful owl.
    I know he’s nearby as he’s led me to another grieving mum on this forum, and to all of you.
    I also felt his presence on Saturday. There is an elderly lady (90) from his church who has sent many cards to him over the years. She’s invited me a few times for morning tea, I finally said to myself I should be grateful and not deny her kindness, I’m so glad I did, we spent hours chatting about her life, going through old photos, it was precious. Thank you my son, I know you had a hand in this xxx

    #20329
    VM-Sunflower
    Participant

    Hi Jezza,

    Thought you might enjoy this clip with sounds from the ocean …
    Loved your music video share earlier this week, what a gorgeous clip.

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by VM-Sunflower.
    #20293
    Moon
    Participant

    Hello my friends. Some rays of sunshine yay. Hopefully some more for easter long weekend.
    I reckon if I weeded my garden properly (but too many funnel webs) I’d still find hidden eggs somewhere from my 4 kids plus all their friends, when they were young, and not so young, still did it as teenagers, I remember one of Jeremy’s keen mates getting stuck up a tree not so long ago…
    I’m sorry if my post triggers anyone reading, I know that it can be a very lonely period for too many of us. I know I’ll be spending it alone but that’s ok.
    I’d like to change the name of my original post to something more positive now, don’t really know how to ? but have posted here and there to others’ bereaved, so I might meet you in the upcoming zoom support group, or elsewhere, hopefully. Think I’ll introduce myself under my name, not my son’s from now on.
    It’s been so hard finding any support elsewhere, so I truly appreciate this space to write some of my thoughts down. Too often, they swirl in my head..
    Past and impossible potential future memories wake me each day before dawn. It’s so hard to accept that time stands still between my son and I.
    I want to hear his voice, cheeky chuckle again, I want to play cards and dance around to his fav music together one more time. I want him here..
    He is not, but I still am. Sometimes not really wanting to be, as I can’t picture a tomorrow without my child, but then something sweet, unexpected will happen, like a butterfly landing on my shoulder, or a bird singing me his song on my balcony… I notice these moments. > I thanks for listening xx

    #20283
    Moon
    Participant
    #20282
    Moon
    Participant

    Hi there, a little ray of sunshine literally today.
    I ventured out today, more than just a quick supermarket shop, that’s huge for me.
    Was invited for lunch by a young friend of mine. We met by chance at my son’s skate park.
    He noticed I was sitting on the bench alone, nostalgic moment, and asked if I was alright.
    French accent I picked up on straight away ( I lived in Paris for 4 yrs) .
    We have become friends through shared love of music, deep and light convos.
    I like to hear the voices of our young. Growing up – my kids always had a silent code =
    private balcony session, where they could tell me anything, everything

    #20277
    Moon
    Participant

    Hi vm-ocean (and all here), love your name, and gosh, how I’d love to be floating weightless on a gentle wave at the beach right now.
    There’s something very cathartic, a purposeful release when you surrender yourself like that to water, especially when you can’t swim hey.
    Hard to imagine that I’d planned a weekend houseboat on the hawkesbury river with Jeremy and his twin sister just a few months ago.
    Brooklyn was always our local ‘go to’ place for sunday arvos, hire a tinnie, walk around the headlands, muck around, eat the best seafood.
    Old family tradition I grew up with as a child myself, and yes the route I taught my 4 lot before going for their l’s, was always Jezza I let drive us home.
    I hesitate with my words sometimes, as I am very aware everyone here is in their own personal …. I can’t put any title to it , sorry.
    I resort to music to express, wish I could play an instrument, but just old friends on my cd. Piano, drums and guitars lie silent, memories of so many wonderful times spent here in this now silent empty house. hear my heart…I
    I’m not a newcomer to loss or depression, I understand and know what I should be doing. My brave daughter put together the mindfulness program for Canteen ! I’ll try to post a link ( if allowed ), but you’ll see my twins faces on the campaign website anyway, as we raised 100ths through leukaemia foundation also.
    Oh, this , is too hard to talk in past tense. Jeremy you are loved and not forgotten ever , my sweet humble boy, who never complained once, when he had reason to xxxx

    #20275
    VM-ocean
    Participant

    Hi Jezza,

    Thank you for sharing your (and Jeremy’s) story so beautifully and for keeping us updated. I’m glad that people have been helping you out with services and the technology.

    I can hear how nervous you were about the hairdresser, and it sounds like it was a beautiful and supportive moment with her. I’m so pleased for you. I find that a friend like that is an island of relief.

    It sounds so difficult for you, to have not kept that last promise, through no fault of your own. I’m just so very sorry to hear about what happened. Feel free to share more about how you’re feeling about that – I’ve found that it eases the feelings a little by sharing the feelings.

    I agree that you have been honouring Jeremy through your posts. He sounds like a truly wonderful young man, and the world has been robbed by the loss of him. I love that he shared a spotify list with you – so thoughtful. I also think that you are helping others who read your posts, which is also very honouring to Jeremy. And with him being such a kind person, I suspect he’d be proud of you.

    We’re here for you.

    #20272
    Moon
    Participant

    Hello griefline community, I don’t really know who might be reading this, but thank you for listening. I’m wondering who might be joining the online support group in May ?
    Perhaps we already know a bit about each other ?. I want to offer solidarity to everyone carrying this burden, in whatever place you might be right now…
    I’m so grateful for Kerrie for contacting me, making me feel welcome, when I’ve never even done a video chat, bit of a tech dinosaur, will have a practice first ok.
    Yeah, there’s a long list of things I should do, like contacting the guys who “fixed” my roof, but still emptying buckets daily, like too many of us.
    I just don’t have the emotional energy to write professional emails, getting messages about utility bills increasing, can’t deal with right now.
    I’m not avoiding responsibilities, got leeway, just need the right frame of mind when to address. Which is not today.
    There’s a post here under ‘grieving mothers’ that I can’t help but re-read over and over again. She words my emotions so succintly. I cry in acknowledgement each and every time (100’s) I read it. I believe everyone here can relate to those words. I wanted to share it with my handful of friends, but shy it was too much, like I didn’t appreciate their support, but at the same time needed to explain where I’m at. The tears are still unrelenting, my whole – half being is ? I don’t know..
    For 9 years I slept beside my youngest child (well his twin sister is 6 mins younger) throughout all his cancer treatments, surrounded by trusted nurses and docs, starlight foundation, redkite, canteen, etc, sucks that he died as a teenager in an very adult, elderly ward, alone. Yes alone..
    Still struggling with this as my son held my hand when the doctors told him he had hours/days to live, and asked me to beside his side , we squeezed hands and I said I’ll never leave your side., but my ex turned off the oxygen against our wishes, when I was in ‘that room’ comforting his sibings.
    Not being ‘allowed’ insert swear words, when my baby wanted me beside him, is not something I can ever come to terms with. Just not possible.
    But I am willing to honour you and myself for all our moments shared, so I’ll try to keep on sharing the wonder of your short life xxx

    #20201
    Moon
    Participant

    Hello, I’m using this forum as a journal, hope that’s ok, I kinda need this, so thank you for listening.
    I’m all signed up for the online support group in May. Wondering if I might meet any participants here in the forums beforehand?
    Another nice young man from griefline called me, I don’t usually answer unknown no.s but glad I did, as he put me in touch with other services they can offer.
    Please, anyone reading, there is actually help at hand. I may not have reached out myself, but I want to be the best version, I can possibly be, for my son’s twin sister, my 2 elder sons, and of course, what Jeremy would want for me.
    So today, I finally gathered the courage to get my haircut, it was much needed. Normally, I’d book 2 wks in advance, but appt next day, I suspect my friend just cleared a spot. Please understand she has cut all of my kids hair, shaved Jeremy’s hair before chemo, styled them for year 12 formals etc, and has 5 of her own, similar ages.
    My first social interaction with someone that “knows”. I was anxious – mainly for them – how I’d be greeted. but all was good was taken straight to the basin for the best shampoo and deep conditioning treatment, omg I love the massage. Renee, my beloved hairdresser/friend gives me a hug, (only kiwis can do – it’s kinda spiritual – I felt the energy) and shed a tear together. She tried to explain how she’s lost for words, when she spends all day chatting with customers, but it was a comfortable silence, shared together.
    I appreciated that, I completely understand how hard is it for others how to approach this new me, especially if they have kids the same age.
    I’m looking forward to the counselling, but please bear with me if I journal some thoughts meantime, they’ll ask me to reflect on my ‘grief journey’ for sure.
    I’m hoping my words resonates somehow with others xxx

    I

Viewing 10 replies - 91 through 100 (of 110 total)
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