Hi Deb, everyone reading, I find comfort knowing I can share my ramblings here with others who understand. I need a safe place to express and writing (music obviously) is my outlet. My mind is too often like a broken record, replaying scenes and conversations and the forever torment of ‘ if only’.
As you say Deb, the world keeps spinning, but for us and our children, time stands still. I found a poem I wrote when my mother passed away, little did I know at the age of 12 how these words would come back to haunt me again. I’ll share the first paragraph:
“For me, time does not progress
It revolves around the centre of pain
Of which my life is a prisoner
For me, there is only one season
The season of sorrow
A time of ceaseless tears”
So yes everyday is pretty much the same, some worse than others. I still lie awake in the early hours staring blankly in the darkness going over everything. Cry upon waking, kiss his photos, get my coffee and sit outside and chat to my son. No one can hear me, cat already knows I’m crazy. I make my usual list of “things I need to do” , ignore it until my inertia drives me crazy, manage one or maybe two things before the afternoon slump hits. There’s really nothing that’s going to change for tomorrow to be any different.
I feel like I’m just treading water, with no life buoy in sight. Not even a ship on the far horizon worth the effort to swim towards.
For 10 years I’ve had my breath held, waiting for the next, and the next test results, next appointment, now there’s nothing to wait for, do you know what I mean ?
I don’t know who I am if not a mother caring for her sick child. I don’t have any other identity and no longer feel part of this world. It’s so lonely.
That’s why I need to write here, to feel some connection with others, so thank you for listening. I hope my words don’t bring anyone down.
Actually, I might share a poem one of my sons’ friends read at his service to make you smile how much joy he brought to others xx