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Hi Deb, all reading. I don’t know why some days are harder than others, but I literally only just stopped crying so I could message you back. I worry sometimes that I post too often here, but I’m so lonely and need to write, otherwise I’ll go crazier than I already feel if left alone in my head. I hate Fridays, the prospect of another weekend void of my son. To be honest, void of anyone. I was already grieving becoming an empty-nester, this house is just too silent to bear. But I don’t like going out either, a quick trip to the supermarket once a week that’s it, even then I feel out of place. If I’m not a mother shopping for her children, then who am I ?
I was fortunate to have a one on one telephone counselling session this week, which suits me better than the zoom group sessions, I’m a stubborn tech dinosaur and shy in groups.
It made me realize just how many layers of grief I have to wade through, I’ve been grieving non-stop since he was first diagnosed 10 years ago, for my son himself, his siblings, his friends, the entire life I dreamt for my children before they were even born… I find myself also grieving my own childhood, loss of parents and family. It’s a lot.
I have rung lifeline several times over the years, so half expected their counselling format, ie: ‘ so what did you used to do that you enjoyed ?, what can you do now to take your mind off things etc, but no, my counsellor did not have any expectations of me feeling better and just let me tell my story, but with honest questions friends or family often don’t dare ask. My two girlfriends are the mothers of my sons’ best friends, his surrogate aunties, so I get that it’s hard for them too. I get the feeling they’re fearful of upsetting me if they talk their sons, family events, but I want to hear it all, imagine my son being part of. This weekend they’re all going to a concert to a band I took them to a few years back . Crossed my mind briefly to buy a ticket. I’ll just dance it out at home in front of my stereo as sometimes happens.
How about you Deb, are you still in contact with your daughters’ friends, mothers ? When my head isn’t being my friend, I think they only ring me out of pity and I’ll soon lose contact with them now that we can no longer share friday arvo teas with our kids together.
I too, wish I could sit side by side with another grieving mumma, swap stories, share photos, know when you look into each others’ eyes you the other truly gets’ it.
I’m in Sydney, whereabouts is everyone else ?